haley

well, a combination of things has me wanting to blog tonight. sometimes i feel like i freeze in life and everything in the world spins around me. not in a 'i'm the center of the world' way, but like a 'stuck in a moment in time contemplating everything around me' way.

blog influence #1: "Haley" by NeedToBreathe
If you don't know just how you feel*Don't say hose sweet things That you know I'd wanna hear
If you don't know just what to think Then put your thoughts away And keep them out of reach
(Chorus) Haley don't hurt me If you don't know I could have moved on a long time ago You're undecided, your eyes do show Haley don't hurt me if you don't know
If you don't know just where we are Then slowly step away before we get too far If you don't know just where you stand Don't brace a fall that you may never want to land
We're on and off again It's more than I can stand So let me know if you're for real this time Your voice, it shook again Reminded me of when We talked our way into the end.

blog influence #2: we are the beggars (part 2)
my friend matt's blog. hooray for this side of matt returning into his blogs. an excerpt:
"But before too long we get wrapped up in Bible studies, and serving at church, and going on mission trips, and working with the youth group, and making sure we're listening to the right music, and making sure we're reading the right books. We pick up a new vocabulary, a new group of friends, a new schedule for our week."

its hard for me when moments happen in life that i want to capture somehow and yet absolutely cannot. this past week i feel like my worlds collided. i feel like it's a scene out of a movie, where this grand explosion is going on all around the character and yet they just stand there in complete peace. I think where i'm at is mystified by my current life. when i read that part of matt's blog, it stopped me because that was so my life the whole time i was living in ohio. when i moved to nashville i remember wanting it to be different, but i didnt know what life would look like aside from the above. and then 3 years in nashville were kind of this middle ground, unbecoming what i was and becoming something not altogether different, but different still. and here i am now in little rock. i havent been in a bible study in at least the past year or so, i dont go to church, mission trips have taken on a completely different meaning, i think i was crazy for when i worked with the youth group, my music habits are changed, and i rarely read any books. the vocabulary's interesting - even though there might be people around me that use it, its a rare thing, my friends are finally diverse, and my schedule is nothing like i thought it would be.

and so here i stand, peaceful amidst a world that almost feels foreign. it shows me who i am and the vastness of my imperfections. efforts to live an open life - not living out of fear - prove ever challenging. perhaps that's where the needtobreathe song fits in. i catch myself wanting to escape ever more frequently behind loud music, as if to hide from those things unfamiliar, from those things that might scare me in life.

it's just a moment in life, i cant capture it, but it feels like my whole life in that moment. i still see the difference, even if no one else does.

genesis

so, i've been reading through Genesis little by little, taking my time, and today just threw me for a loop. I was reading chapters 33-35 which puts us in the middle of Jacob returning home, about to encounter Esau, the brother who he conned many a times (partially thanks to his mom) before fleeing from him some 20 years ago. it turns out, for what reason i do not yet know, esau is running to meet jacob with open arms, gladly welcoming him home. their interaction is so pleasant that it almost seems fake. such another time and place that i cannot even imagine two people interacting in such a way today. So esau returns home with jacob to follow (slowly because of young children and animals) and along the way when they're stopped in Shechem, Shechem (the person the city is named after) takes Dinah, jacob's daughter, and violates her. this part is one that really just left me speechless almost. so jacob, right, just a chapter before wrestled a Man (possibly God?) and was told that his name from now on would be israel - which begins the journey with the nation of israel, his sons being the 12 tribes of israel, etc. and so here in this situation with Dinah, shechem wants to have her for his wife, the sons of jacob (not jacob himself although i believe he's standing there during this interaction) say that the people of shechem can unite with jacob's people if only all the men agree to be circumcised, and since shechem is in love apparently with dinah, he gladly agrees and has all the men in his area circumcised. however, all this was only a ridiculous plot by the sons of jacob b/c they then go in and kill ALL the men of this whole area. they plunder their homes, take by force all the children and women.

and at this point i'm just blown away. did that seriously just happen? these sons of jacob that will undoubtedly become 2 nations of israel, plot this horrid scene, murder surely tons of men and kidnap their wives and children... as revenge for what was done to their sister dinah? i can understand being upset about dinah; it says that "the sons of Jacob came in from the field when they heard it; and the men were greived and very angry, because he [shechem] had done a disgraceful thing in Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter, a thing which ought not to be done." but honestly i read this and thought how could this happen? where is God in this? did these people, the family of Jacob know God? what type of relationship did they have with him, if any sort at all? was there even the thought at this point in history of raising a family to know God? did teaching your kids about God happen? i wondered these things even through the happenings of Isaac's family - when jacob was deceiving his brother esau. how did... how could these people, who are supposed to be God's people - God's chosen people even - do things like this? i would think it to be unbearable to God, and then i thought how lucky these people are that after the flood with Noah, that God promised never to destroy all mankind again... and the thought that every day so much mercy was shown by God and i'd guess that the people didnt even realize it, as is probably so true of my own life today. and it really amazed me when i realized that I'm only in Genesis 35. noah was only a few chapters ago and this is still all happening in the first book of the bible. if i'm already asking 'how did God..?' i cant even put in into the form of a question... i guess i'm eager to keep reading, part of me wants to read more frequently, to read faster because for once i almost feel like i'm getting to see and understand (well... not really understand, but question so much that i begin to feel the slightest amount familiar with what's going on) both the details and the big picture. i feel like there's so much more to happen between the lives of Jacob and his sons and here in my life today. what all has gone down over these many many years, what does it mean? what does it mean in my life to learn about all of this? what does it mean about God?

its amazing how far over my head this is. when i finished reading i just thought again back on what i'm reading in general - i feel like its so easy to read anything quickly, to think i've got it - i know what it says and understand it. i mean, this is only the first book of the bible, i almost laugh thinking how can i have so many questions already, how can so much have happened already! i think about Isaiah 55:8-9 that says "for My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord - and when i read this i most often think about writing styles and how my whole life it seems i've been taught to write in much detail - opening thought, supporting/explaining sentences, summarizing thought - and i laugh because i dont think God's ways are like this. i think he's pretty straight to the point [relatively speaking], where every sentence in the bible is essentially packed full of so much meaning - a way that i could never write! i feel like i talk a lot because i take so many words to make my point [or just jabber on and on] whereas others dont talk quite as much because they can make their whole point in fewer words (which is a brilliant thing. i wish i could be that intentional with my words). and yet, here is God, straight to the point, but this bible is no small book! and i just remember again...his thoughts are not my thoughts, my ways are not his. [and yes, yes, yes... even that verse - i'm not claiming to fully understand what it means, and i very well might have taken it out of context, etc - but to get stuck in that detail is missing the point.]

amazing galaxy!

so. the moon tonight is completely amazing! a lunar eclipse, which is not going to happen again until 2010! i didnt expect to get to see it because it was supposed to be raining! but when i went out of the hotel at 9 there it was! incredible in all its beauty! not overly familiar with this town, i took off driving trying to get far enough out of town to really see the stars and moon without the citylight. it didnt take too long, but it was kind of humorous - a girl can only stay in the middle of nowhere by herself at night for so long (approximately 30 seconds!) but oh goodness. when i finally was at a place to just stop and look around from my car, WOW! such a reminder of how much i love the sky no matter what time of day it is! i forgot how many stars you can see when you get out of town, and i am now on the lookout for an opportunity to spend more than 30 seconds someplace where i feel safe and just take in the beauty! i cant wait to see pictures from professional people, especially since in addition to the lunar eclipse, Saturn was visible!! didnt look much different than a regular star, but still, just blows me away! and i'm sure those with beyond amazing telescopes and cameras will produce some great pictures! my picture obviously doesnt do much, but perhaps it will remind me of loving the moment!!

against happiness: in praise of melancholy

well, let's see if i can get these thoughts out in words. i feel like i've got a lot on my mine these days. but i've been perhaps being very careful about what i say outloud or moreso what thoughts i dwell on and what i dont. i always feel like women as a whole are incredibly emotional and dramatic. and i'm pretty sure i always assume that guys undoubtedly think women are a handful. but the thing that's really got me lately is the thought that as much as guys may think girls are a handful to deal with, being the girl that's a handful and having to deal with yourself all the time! as i've been laying around tonight, i've felt a little frustrated with myself because i feel like i'm trying really hard in life.. almost like i'm trying to be someone i'm not, or to be more than i am. i think it just comes out of self-doubt, feeling like who i am is not enough or not good enough in different situations in life. you know, it's just strange, to know who you are, but to not always be that person. to know who you are and know that it's enough and beautiful and unique and precious, and still try to be someone else. maybe it's just the struggle of life.

at work today i came across the review of a book called "Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy". my first impression was not a good one. at first i thought it was almost going to praise the bad attitidues that are all around me, the poor pitiful me, feel sorry for me, i'm the victim here type of thing. i really did. and perhaps that says something about me just as much as it does of those around me, if not more. but after reading a little bit of the review, i realize my first impression might not have been accurate. i'm now curious to read the book because i think it talks about why its good to NOT just put on the happy face in life. not necessarily praising melancholy as the title says, but moreso discussing its place in life - what role it has played in the past, different things that have come out of melancholy. obviously i havent read the book. i mean heck, i didnt even read the full review, so i could be off. but i like to ponder life. i like pondering life with other people, hearing their thoughts. i just wish i was better at facilitating such conversations.

the mad butcher

Because Burns said he expected to see this in a blog, here you go :)

This week my job takes me to two places actually. I am working at the Bank of McCrory, in the small town of McCrory Arkansas - population 1800. Seeing as how there are no hotels - not even motels - in this little town, we are staying in Searcy, Arkansas (pronounced SUR see, says wikipedia - this made me laugh) which has a population of 20,000, 33 miles away.
In the small town of McCrory, there are not many lunch options. The only chain restaurant is Subway - which one would think to be good. Problem is that after sitting in Subway for lunch, we come out smelling like subway, and you may have never realized it before but smelling like Subway is seriously not cool! not to mention, going back to our sauna of a conference room, let's just say it gets even worse! There is also a buffet in town which, if you can handle the holes in the walls (which might make you wonder other things about the place in general), is supposedly okay. there's also a pizza place, but one can only eat pizza and not gain a million pounds so many times. oh, and then there's Rhonda's dairy place. well. there USED to be Rhonda's dairy place - it is no longer open, as someone committed suicide there last week. yikes. seriously. So today I decided to visit the local supermarket and pick up a lean cuisine (assuming they sold these). The beauty of it is that the local supermarket is called the Mad Butcher, as seen in the picture. my main thought is this: imagine growing up in McCrory, the Mad Butcher is all you've ever known. One day, you move to a bigger city and upon arriving, needing to go to the supermarket, you ask your neighbor "where's the nearest mad butcher?". Priceless moment? i think so. so here's to McCrory and the great memories of the mad butcher.

wax explosion!

something fun happened today. i woke up at 7am after only 5 hours of sleep (nope, that's not the fun part!), figured i was awake so i might as well get up and moving.. take a shower, clean, vacuum, clean out my car, iron, all sorts of wonderful things get accomplished before its even like 11am! incredible! so i put in a movie and eat my typical peanut butter on saltines lunch (that's what happens when you're never home and cant get through food before it goes bad) and i've got this candle type thing burning in front of me. it's not a normal candle. it's like wax beads that are melted in a glass dish via a tealight below the dish. mom got me 5 new bead scents so i thought i definitely needed to try one out. getting the wax out from the last batch was difficult so i decided to put just a few drops of water in the dish before putting in the wax beads to be melted. (and actually, the beads are not really beads, they look more like lentil!) so there i am, eating my very weird lunch, watching a movie and i'm noticing that the 'candle' is making weird sounds. so i lean in to see what is going on and suddenly IT EXPLODED!!! literally, all over the coffee table, into the jar of peanut butter, i thought on my face but i must have good reflexes because i definitely jumped! aside from it scaring me, it was thoroughly entertaining!! and now i know definitely not to use the water under the wax trick with this candle (even though it works with other similar type candles!!) i thought about leaving the wax on the coffee table for sort of an artistic touch, but the realized that would just be silly. plus, i'm not that artistic! so it would surely come off as spilled wax before artistic!!

poor reminders..

ok so as if i needed reminding again... today was yet another reminder of many things: my expectations are ridiculously high, i am too hard on myself, i dont just lose confidence when i dont know what i'm doing - my confidence completely disappears, i am an emotional girl, it pains me to live in this world, music is my drug of choice through which i escape from everything. i get frustrated when i feel like i just want it to be friday night. i feel like i'm wasting so many days. that's all..

You are a lover of words, someday you should write a book.

it's interesting, sometimes words come so naturally, and sometimes they dont. i feel like writing, and yet i strongly feel like i'm supposed to just be quiet for now.