haley

well, a combination of things has me wanting to blog tonight. sometimes i feel like i freeze in life and everything in the world spins around me. not in a 'i'm the center of the world' way, but like a 'stuck in a moment in time contemplating everything around me' way.

blog influence #1: "Haley" by NeedToBreathe
If you don't know just how you feel*Don't say hose sweet things That you know I'd wanna hear
If you don't know just what to think Then put your thoughts away And keep them out of reach
(Chorus) Haley don't hurt me If you don't know I could have moved on a long time ago You're undecided, your eyes do show Haley don't hurt me if you don't know
If you don't know just where we are Then slowly step away before we get too far If you don't know just where you stand Don't brace a fall that you may never want to land
We're on and off again It's more than I can stand So let me know if you're for real this time Your voice, it shook again Reminded me of when We talked our way into the end.

blog influence #2: we are the beggars (part 2)
my friend matt's blog. hooray for this side of matt returning into his blogs. an excerpt:
"But before too long we get wrapped up in Bible studies, and serving at church, and going on mission trips, and working with the youth group, and making sure we're listening to the right music, and making sure we're reading the right books. We pick up a new vocabulary, a new group of friends, a new schedule for our week."

its hard for me when moments happen in life that i want to capture somehow and yet absolutely cannot. this past week i feel like my worlds collided. i feel like it's a scene out of a movie, where this grand explosion is going on all around the character and yet they just stand there in complete peace. I think where i'm at is mystified by my current life. when i read that part of matt's blog, it stopped me because that was so my life the whole time i was living in ohio. when i moved to nashville i remember wanting it to be different, but i didnt know what life would look like aside from the above. and then 3 years in nashville were kind of this middle ground, unbecoming what i was and becoming something not altogether different, but different still. and here i am now in little rock. i havent been in a bible study in at least the past year or so, i dont go to church, mission trips have taken on a completely different meaning, i think i was crazy for when i worked with the youth group, my music habits are changed, and i rarely read any books. the vocabulary's interesting - even though there might be people around me that use it, its a rare thing, my friends are finally diverse, and my schedule is nothing like i thought it would be.

and so here i stand, peaceful amidst a world that almost feels foreign. it shows me who i am and the vastness of my imperfections. efforts to live an open life - not living out of fear - prove ever challenging. perhaps that's where the needtobreathe song fits in. i catch myself wanting to escape ever more frequently behind loud music, as if to hide from those things unfamiliar, from those things that might scare me in life.

it's just a moment in life, i cant capture it, but it feels like my whole life in that moment. i still see the difference, even if no one else does.