more thoughts on church

thanks to the ridiculous sun during soccer, i'm feeling a bit nauseous [and yes, i know, 85 in september is nothing compared to the summer. frankly, i could care less.] and so i figured i would take a minute to write down some thoughts and hopefully let that feeling pass.
recently i've come across two good things: sermon series by 2 of my favorite teaching pastors on the purpose of the Church. one is Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA and the other is Fellowship Evangelical Free church in Knoxville, TN. i've really felt lost in life lately, its like i've not know what is important, or i havent been finding importance in my day to day life. and the verse in Romans 7:19 - For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. - i feel that way a lot. anyway, last night i somewhat listened to the first sermon from the knoxville church and i basically came to two concusions:

for one, the guy was preaching from 1 timothy but was also using verses from a lot of other writings of paul as well. what struck me was that all the verses he mentioned were familiar sounding, but he pointed out that [i think] most of paul's writings are to the Church about what it means to be the Church. And oddly enough, I'm not sure if I've ever studied Paul's writings as a whole as it pertains to the Church.

secondly, a lot of the stuff he said honestly took me by surprise. it confirmed the feeling i've felt for the past year - that i dont really understand what God intended the Church to be or do. it also made me stop and think that what for the past year i've been thinking I want from a church many not be at all what the Bible says the church should be. and if that's the case, well that changes everything. because if that's the case, it's my heart that needs to change, not the Church. which is not to say that my frustrations dont hold any worth. but some good friends have taught me that when it comes to this walk of faith, you cling to what you know but you always remember that you dont know it all. and if at any point God's Word reveals something different, but correct, compared to what you've been clinging to, you've gotta be willing to let go of whatever it is and now cling to that truth which God has revealed.

while not entirely motivating, this is encouraging. i think simply in the fact that for the past year, its like i've doubted that the Bible has the answers to the questions I cannot even formulate. and last night i started to think that there really truly may be answers.

spontaneous

so, i'm pretty excited. today i spontaneously decided to take a vacation next week. i dont know that everyone would consider it a vacation, but i think it'll be a good dose of exactly what [i think] i need. i'm flying off to milwaukee to spend 3 and a half days with some good friends. who knows if it's really the best idea [i mean, i dont know what type of impression it gives at work], but let's face it, probably 3 out of 5 days of the workweek i'm not loving being there anyway. and maybe it'd be a good idea to save up my vacation days, but honestly, well, it's too late now anyway because i already bought my plane ticket. and i'm SO looking forward to packing up just a small suitcase of clothes and my bible and hopping on the plane. plus, i'll be back in time sunday to play soccer and go see charlie hall that evening.

why i stopped going to church.

in no particular order...

1. gossip - its become such a 'normal' form of conversation even among christians
2. 'serving' being a core value but all the serving being done w/in the church walls
3. not forming genuine relationships w/ people [probably due to not living out life with those people but rather just being in the same place at the same time]
4. formulaic sermons [i.e. '5 steps to be a good prayer'; '10 ways to improve your influence'...why the need to make every sermon fit into this format?]
5. lack of actual bible study/too many 'personal examples' and man's interpretations/take on the subject - during the service, at community groups, at young adult meetings, everywhere
6. to give God His rightful place in my life - to turn to Him when I'm struggling; to spend any time in His word; to stop sinning, going to church and just forgetting about what happened-as opposed to confessing directly to God & experiencing true forgiveness. i decided this one needs a little more explanation. nowadays, when i find myself missing church, its easy to realize that what i really miss is spending time in His word. when i went to church, that really would be like my pill for the week. very, very rarely did i look back at or even think about what was spoken of or read that sunday
7. the attempts to grow the 'church' [not the Church] - bigger buildings, more activities, life consumption through what the 'church' has going on - not sure, but perhaps might be one of the most deceiving things i think..
8. right now i'm glued to God's Word - I just want to read it, write it out, read it aloud. i dont know where that and church come together.
9. i've talked to people about Jesus more since I stopped going to church.

okay...that's about all that's coming to might right now. there may perhaps be a follow-up.

here's to today.

here's to another day wasted
here's to another dollar spent
here's to another missed opportunity
here's to me.

i've been remembering the days without television. those were good days. days when i stopped being afraid of the quiet. days when reading didnt put me to sleep. i've noticed i'm wasting a lot of time lately. i'm on my computer too much, serving no purpose, playing games, checking my email for no apparent reason. which reminds me, there was a day, too, without internet at home. i remember that apartment well. it certainly was not anything fancy. the living room had a couch & 2 chairs. they were all blue, and the tables were from the 70s. i remember when people walked in and commented on how much they loved how the room was setup - they couldnt figure out why they'd never arranged a room like mine before. then they realized that the room is always centered around the tv. and now my room, too, is centered around the tv. as am i.

yesterday i wanted to run away. just for a night. drive a few hours and spend an evening at a mountain lodge just to get away. i didnt do it. i kind of regret it.
but tomorrow is a new day. a new chance to use my time differently, to stop the trend of apathy. i'm not sure where i can go, but i think i've gotta go. to spend some time just thinking through life, thinking about its meaning and purpose, thinking about how to be wise with my finances, thinking about God. i've still got a list of things i've been meaning to do:
read ecclesiastes
write bihuko
call allison
track my spending
write out why i stopped going to church
i dont want to miss the time i have this weekend because i'm already not looking forward to work on monday.