the moments inbetween the driving

okay... this is going to be very fast b/c i am super tired. today was quite a long day. got to columbia last nite at 11:30. got up this morning at 7:15, came back and got ready, then left and went tailgating w/ my parents to the MU vs. Nebraska game, then went and got fitted for a dress (which really wasn't getting fitted... it was just giving them my measurements which i could have done over the phone). then came home, watched the game on tv and napped, then went back out w/ parents and their friends - went to addisons and then quintons. luckily everyone pretty much had drank their fill for the day so we didnt go to the fieldhouse. instead came home, watched a movie, then rudy (my dog -- as seen in the picture) decided to sneak out the front door while it was open. freaked us all out. we all take off running looking for him. i was running barefoot (and the ground was wet b/c it was raining and it is only like 50 degrees outside). luckily when he saw my mom he went right to her. but we were all scared. then watched a little more football and now are finally going to bed. tomorrow we're having a big breakfast, then just relaxing w/ the parents (hopefully) and then probably leaving around 2 to head back to nashville, to try and get there by 9, in which i will get in, unload my stuff, pack all my bags for monday and then go to bed again... basically, i need to go to sleep! bye!

home and apex and crowder and robbie seay and ??

so it's only been 3 days since my last post - which is virtually shocking seeing as how i normally go at least a month. anyway, i was not in the mood to write emails for the rest of my lunch break, so i decided to write here for a bit.

i'm going to a corn maze tonight with the young adult/college group from church. i'm pretty hesitant - going by myself, dont really know anyone, and have some tough stereotypes already built in my head as to what i should expect...that can't be healthy. but i'm sucking it up, skipping my bible study (even tho this is the first time in a month that i've actually finished the week's study on time), and going to a stinkin corn maze with a bunch of (probably married) strangers. i'd really love for it to break all the thoughts i have about it not being any good - its very selfish though.

more exciting news is upcoming travels. tomorrow i am going home, back to missouri - i have to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. the rest of the time will just be relaxation, play with the greatest dog in the whole world (maybe i'll post a pic of him while i'm home), read, and spend time with my awesome family. then, in 3 weeks (i think), if all goes well, i will be heading back to my old stomping grounds of Dayton, OH - going to APEX (yeah. that would rock my world), and seeing David Crowder, Robbie Seay, and Shane & Shane all in one show. basically it would just be stinkin fantabulous. i hope it will work out. i'll know monday. well.. that is my exciting news.. i believe i'm going to try and call an old dayton buddy real quick and say hello, then its back to work.

"Ascribe to the Lord, O families of nations, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength, ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness." - 1 Chronicles 16:28-29

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

life without purpose

Today has been a really rough day...nothing bad has happened, i wasn't busy, overwhelmed, making tough decisions, none of that. so why in the world would it be a rough day. there are a lot of thoughts in my head, i dont even know how to sort them out.

hinds feet & much afraid & the journey through the forest of danger and tribulation
life without purpose
damien rice song
student2student email

that is my list to try and make this make sense. i'll start with Much-Afraid. she's a character in a book called Hinds Feet On High Places. its up there as one of my favorite books of all time and i'm reading it again. the book is about Much Afraid's life story - she comes from the Fearing family, and lives in the Valley of Humiliation, but she works for the Chief Shepherd. The story begins by Much-Afraid asking the Chief Shepherd if she can ever go with Him to the High Places (where He lives). The story that follows is her journey to the High Places. One part of the journey is through the forest of danger and tribulation. it stands out in my head for a few reasons - up til that point on the journey, she always feared and dreaded anything that she encountered that was not just simple crossing a flat path- things like scaling a mountain wall, trekking through a vast desert (which may not sound bad, but the path took her in the direct opposite direction of the High Places that she was trying to get to). then she gets to the forest of danger and tribulation and though it is continuously storming or completely cloaked with a dense mist, all she has to do is walk through it. as she's making her way, she begins to realize how this, what she thought she wanted the whole journey to be like, was actually the worst part - there was no challenge, nothing to conquer and overcome - just walk. somehow, i can relate to this right now. ( i could say a lot more about this book, but you might as well just go read it.)

what now.. we'll move on to damien rice. so i'm at work today. it was just a forest of danger and tribulation type day. just trudging along, nothing more. silly me (so much like Much-Afraid), i fed the emotion and put in mood music - damien rice and one song sang thing "and so it is just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me most of the time; and so it is the shorter story, no love no glory, no hero in her sky". again, another snapshot that could be added to a collage and represent my life - no love, no glory, everything just goes easy, no ups or downs, just trudging along.

and the more i sat here at my computer, as the time passed, as my mind wandered, it was like a marquee running through my head. it wouldnt stop. it just kept playing the same thing over and over 'my life has no purpse my life has no purpose my life has no purpose'. and the more i sat here at my computer, as the time passed, as my mind wandered i began to think how perfectly my job fit into my life. as if a second marquee scrolled beneath the first, and the second repeated over and over 'my job has no purpose my job has no purpose my job has no purpose'. i got a phone call and left my desk, as i was walking i felt like satan was just pounding on me, throwing punches and i was just taking it. i got back to my desk, looked at my clock and saw that it was 5:30. a sigh of relief. work over.

so i checked my email, as i do before i go home each night, i had one email - from a series of emails that i normally delete without even opening. but i opened this one, and i only read one line of it. this is what it said, "Never forget that people are hurting under the surface, and they NEED and WANT to know Christ". i've heard that said before many times, but i think i heard it differently today because i can relate to it. not just relate, you can replace the word people with my name 'never forget that melissa is hurting under the surface, and she NEEDs and WANTs to know Christ'. its true, so incredibly true. catch any other person at a time of vulnerability and they'd probably say the same thing. i never remember that. i never see someone and think what's hurting beneath the surface. last nite as i was trying to go to sleep, my mind was just whirling, it wouldnt stop. but for a minute, one of those thoughts was 'you know, my mind is always like this, its always got something to deal with - i wonder if other people are like that too?' i see people, i forget that they're like me, that i'm like them, that each person everywhere has a whole world that they're in, millions of things going on, chaos.

i still feel like my life has no purpose, and i'm certainly not convinced that my job is any better. last nite, as i was thinking about Much-Afraid. before she began her journey to the High Places, she lived in the Valley of Humiliation. she was one of the Chief Shepherd's flock though - she was in, and she could have stayed there, lived her whole life there, in the service of the Chief Shepherd, never taking the journey to the High Places. i wonder if most of us never leave the valley...

for the praise of His glory,
melissa.

sometimes everything is just a big blur.

So not having the internet at my apartment is really starting to catch up with me... i miss being able to write here on a whim. it means that when i finally do get back here, i never know what to say... its approaching 2 months since i've last been here. all in all, i'm not sure a lot has happened. work is still work. probably the biggest thing was going on a cruise with my family. right when hurricane rita was coming through. despite the hurricane and sleeping on dramamine every night, it was quite a good time. i played a lot of bingo and won $600. the bingo boys were nice - one of them was british so i enjoyed whenever he spoke. but at least i realized that i should basically forget he exists. in case you dont know me very well, i have a hard time meetings guys, when they pay any attention to me (even if it's their job - like the good folks on the cruise) .. i think it has something to do with my imagination runs away with me b/c deep down its like i dont believe i could ever really meet a great guy that God wants me to meet and get to know... but since i've been back, i just keep coming back to this thought:

...someday my prince will come...

stopping and believing helps me, reminds me that i dont just want any guy, at any time in my life - i want the right guy, at the exact right time, which is only something God knows and can work out .. so i'll just leave it to him!

other news around the world... i've decided that most adults don't know what to do with people like me - people like me being single people fresh out of college. it is quite frustrating. it is a problem which i am still looking for a solution for.

so that's about it. life still gets lonely. i still am not as disciplined as i'd like to be (like now). nashville keeps running out of gas (yeah, i went to a gas station again tonite and it all said 'no gas').

but in all of this, God is still good, always faithful, full of lovingkindness. church has the potential to get much better b/c they've added something called 'worship in the barn'. maybe i'll write about that later. but for now...i'm just not in the mood to write anything. i think i need to eat. so here's a nice nugget from my bible study...

"worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness" ~1 chron. 16:29b

for the praise of His glory,
melissa