the church

well, it's interesting how these late nights work. everyone knows that we all get more thoughtful the later it gets, basically anything after midnight is either going to be brilliant or rediculous! the past few nights i've been feeling particularly thoughtful, about life, and many things in it. tonight my mind pauses at church, and faith i suppose. this morning i listened to a sermon by francis chan [holy spirit part 3 - podcast from cornerstone church simi valley CA] i didnt remember that i'd listened to it before, and it was just great. i liked it because it was so basic and straightforward. francis is always honest about stopping to think about the things that we sometimes say and do that are such second-nature to us, but in reality, are rather rediculous. anyway, point being that listening this morning, i feel like i've almost forgotten what it's like to have in common spiritual things with other people. meaning i've gotten to this place in life where i perhaps think i'm the only one thinking what i do about christianity. that yes, there are other christians out there, i'm friends with them and that's great, but that as far as where i'm at, my viewpoint, i feel like no one else has the same view. and i realized this morning and throughout the day that i miss sharing the same spiritual viewpoint with people. i miss togetherness of believers. i miss the church. not as i'd come to know it. and by no means do i fully understand what the church is/means/looks like/etc. but i've been remembering my freshman year of college, a group of my friends and i would get together monday/wednesday/friday nights at like 11pm and pray. i miss what that created among us. i miss the informality of it. i miss the ease - it wasnt a big ordeal, a big get dressed up, makeup on process of spending forever getting somewhere. it just was what it was, come as you were (normally that meant pjs), get to the point, live life together, be real. and.. i miss this. even now, after writing all that out, i miss it more that i realized i did when i started writing. and as i've typed, remembering the people that were there, i miss those people. for a long time now i've felt lost about the church. i think that's why i finally stopped going. i think what i had in ohio during college, that to me is the church. i'd like to have that in my life again, i just dont know if it's possible..

and as for these thoughts for the night, whether anyone else thinks so or not, to me, tonight's post-midnight thoughts go in the brilliance column.

Morning Thoughts

It is so interesting where life takes us. I sit here this morning in my hotel room eating breakfast. a bowl of raisin bran, a biscuit with butter, an apple and bottled water. I look at my nicely furnished room, the 2 king beds i have the choice to sleep on. I can use as much or little heating or AC as i wish. All the while my fridge at home is virtually empty, my thermostat is off, and my money remains in my pocket.

And this morning, something Paul says in Philippians 4 came to mind "Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need." It's amazing to me that I can look back over the past 2 years and know that I have been prepared for this moment. My life is filled with abundance. I don't know what reality is, but I wonder if people read right over the part that says 'I have learned to abound'. to me, I don't read that as 'I've learned how to live luxuriously'. But for me it means that I know I have been given far more than I need. And as these past 2 years have taught me, I know that this abundance is not for me, I'm just a pass through. I can remember 2 years ago september when I first really saw abundance, and I remember feeling the tension, I actually remember praying "Lord, no more!" After that, my understanding grew, and the abundance continued. I pray for generosity, that I would always see my true place and my small hands. That I would give to my limits and maybe beyond. That I would give for God, not for me.