wading into the deep end.

you know.. what's funny about notes is that, as i go through my days, there's always stuff that happens that i think 'i wish i had someone to tell all about this!' or 'i should definitely write this down!' but then i get here, and everything is just 'eh.. whatever!' suddenly my random thoughts no longer seem note-worthy, probably because they're just random thoughts, not like full fledged long notes. so, maybe i'll just write down my random thoughts...

...i LOVE music. i love singing with everything in me along with my favorite artists [right now i'm singing with phil wickham "you are holy, great and mighty - the moon and the stars declare who you are - i'm so unworthy, but still you love me - forever my heart will sing of how great you are!!"] earlier on the Kyiv/Stockhom Passion Podcast, Charlie Hall commented about singing - he said something about people singing songs that their hearts so naturally want to sing. i thought that was brilliant....

i feel like there are a lot of things i want to be doing that cost lots of money! i dont normally feel this way. its something about dallas and i cant quite put my finger on it. but i want to go watch FC Dallas play (the major league soccer team), which ends up costing $25-40 per game. i want to go climbing! that costs $15 per outing. movies are $10 at least. sometimes i long for the days where there wasnt much like this to do...i conclude in my mind that life would be much different, but really, the thing is that in place of going to watch soccer, at heart i wish i was out playing with my friends. and instead of going climbing, i wish i were out hiking with friends. and instead of going to a movie, i wish i were having a dinner party with my friends. i see a trend here...

...i'm itching for adventure. aka a huge part of everything in me wants to be living on purpose with a passion with other people. i'm remembering in particular a mission trip i went on years ago. i think it was the first mission trip i ever went on [not that i've been on many]. we went to new orleans. i think i was 16. it was like 12 girls and our 3 youth leaders [and as i get older i greatly sympathize with them and understand the awkwardness of the male leaders taking a group of 12 female teenagers! at the time of course we didnt think anything of it, but i understand now!]. but it was just terrific. our days were filled with volunteering, loving on kids, big group meals, and memorizing the first bible verses i ever memorized! [which, in case you're wondering were philippians 2:3-5 "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, consider others before yourself. each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus,"]. as i sit here, i think about how life as an adult can merge with this idea, this lifestyle. i think of what it would be like to work for a church as a youth leader.. and my thoughts kind of go like this.. well, i'm still not really one to just talk about jesus with other people. which seems an important part of being a youth leader. but i suppose the fact is that part of me wonders if you need to earn the right to be able to talk to someone about jesus. because for most people, He's not someone they normally talk about, particularly to strangers. [or maybe i think that but its not true?] so then i see working with a group of youngsters starting as more of like a club, a fun place where you make friends, and then after getting to know these people, God things flow naturally into the midst. i dont know what anyone else things about these things, and i'm sure there are plenty of schools of thinking, and many that would say there's already preset formulas to follow, but as with the majority of the rest of my life, i'm just done with preset formulas. not to say they arent actually good, or that they dont actually work, i just am thinking its backwards to jump into a formula without truly living the process of how it got there. that's a big thought to me, it may not make sense.. that is one topic that probably could be a note all on its own.

...with God on my mind, spiritually i've been dwelling in two different pools of thoughts these past weeks. one is with regard to the meaning of the words Sin, good, and wrong - in the context of questions such as 'if we do something that is considered good, are we not sinning?' and 'if we do something that is considered wrong, are we sinning' and 'does Sin mean that we act/think/believe in any way other than God?' and 'if the answer to the latter question is yes, does that change the meaning/answer to the first two questions?' these thoughts came up as i was reading in the bible the book of leviticus chapter 18. i'm not trying to answer these questions, but i'm appreciating thinking about them as i continue to read and live.the other pool of thoughts...man, i got so much back into thinking about that first pool, what was the second?! hmm.. i think it kinda goes along with the first pool. I remember back in like 8th grade or something, our church youth college intern gave me a 'WWJD' bracelet, which stood for What Would Jesus Do. and honestly, i think the whole time i wore that bracelet, i never considered practially in my daily life 'what would jesus do' in any instance. in leviticus 18, it starts "Then the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and say to them: ‘I am the LORD your God. According to the doings of the land of Egypt, where you dwelt, you shall not do; and according to the doings of the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you, you shall not do; nor shall you walk in their ordinances. You shall observe My judgments and keep My ordinances, to walk in them: I am the LORD your God. You shall therefore keep My statutes and My judgments, which if a man does, he shall live by them: I am the LORD." This to me says 'dont determine how to live by how your old neighbors lived. and in the same manner, dont determine how to live based on how your new neighbors live. but rather, look at how I (Jesus) live, and let me be your example, your go-by, your standard.'

this ain't my american dream..

Today has been an interesting day. For one, I’ve been particularly irritable and prone to being overly emotional, which is possibly unfortunate but questionably natural. For the past few days, if not weeks, I’ve sense myself becoming more and more accepting of this world around me. Excited by the thoughts of buying a house one day, wanting to be married, envisioning working at this same job for many years to come. What’s funny is that most people might call this ‘the American dream’, something that most people strive for their whole life. But to me, these things – thinking about them, its not typical for me, and I’ve even felt almost a disappointment because the yearning inside me that I’ve felt in life before seemed to be gone. Switchfoot (a San Diego rock band) has a song called American Dream. The chorus says:
This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream
Today, painfully, and yet almost reassuringly, that yearning I sensed disappearing seems to have come back. It’s been a hard day at work… I don’t know if I can even explain why. I was particularly frustrated because of people I had to work with… but now that I think of it, I think it really came out of the fact that I was surrounded by people who approach things SO differently than I do. And it really bothered me. I felt torn – why should I always have things my way? Work always with people I get along with? Why should this frustrate me as much as it did? That I’m not sure of. In my breaks through the afternoon I was perusing the Invisible Children website, and longing returned to my heart. I want to live and die for bigger things.