against happiness: in praise of melancholy

well, let's see if i can get these thoughts out in words. i feel like i've got a lot on my mine these days. but i've been perhaps being very careful about what i say outloud or moreso what thoughts i dwell on and what i dont. i always feel like women as a whole are incredibly emotional and dramatic. and i'm pretty sure i always assume that guys undoubtedly think women are a handful. but the thing that's really got me lately is the thought that as much as guys may think girls are a handful to deal with, being the girl that's a handful and having to deal with yourself all the time! as i've been laying around tonight, i've felt a little frustrated with myself because i feel like i'm trying really hard in life.. almost like i'm trying to be someone i'm not, or to be more than i am. i think it just comes out of self-doubt, feeling like who i am is not enough or not good enough in different situations in life. you know, it's just strange, to know who you are, but to not always be that person. to know who you are and know that it's enough and beautiful and unique and precious, and still try to be someone else. maybe it's just the struggle of life.

at work today i came across the review of a book called "Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy". my first impression was not a good one. at first i thought it was almost going to praise the bad attitidues that are all around me, the poor pitiful me, feel sorry for me, i'm the victim here type of thing. i really did. and perhaps that says something about me just as much as it does of those around me, if not more. but after reading a little bit of the review, i realize my first impression might not have been accurate. i'm now curious to read the book because i think it talks about why its good to NOT just put on the happy face in life. not necessarily praising melancholy as the title says, but moreso discussing its place in life - what role it has played in the past, different things that have come out of melancholy. obviously i havent read the book. i mean heck, i didnt even read the full review, so i could be off. but i like to ponder life. i like pondering life with other people, hearing their thoughts. i just wish i was better at facilitating such conversations.