Awake.

It's 5:58am. And I'm fully awake. Not in the sense that I am up and getting ready - because I've seen 5:58am almost every day since Sept. 26th, 2009. But this morning, I feel awake in a different way. I feel like I was asleep to life, but I've been woken up. The band MikesChair lyrics are streaming through my head: "I'm alive and I'm awake."

What's funny is that nothing really changed in the past 24 hours. I havent necessarily tried to alter anything in my life, but I woke this morning and something seemed different. My mom was encouraging me this past weekend to really be intentional while I'm on the road without Howie to use the exercise facilities at the hotels. I havent set out to exercise for months. So last night, I went and did 10 minutes on the eliptical machine (that hurt.) and 10 minutes of the "leg buster" course on the treadmill (thought that might permanently destroy my shins too.) When I finished exercising, I knew if I didnt go to the store to get food for the week, I'd eat crap like I have been. So I forced myself to run to Kroger, trying to have a plan in mind of what to get. I was pretty proud of my purchases! Healthy yogurt, granola & fruit for breakfast, healthy choice/lean cuisines for lunch, and slim buns & deli sandwhich stuff for dinners, with Boulder's plain gluten free chips on the side. I walked past ice cream, donuts, more donuts, doritos, donuts, and lots of candy on sale. It was almost humorous because I the last time I walked by the donuts, I thought, "Huh. That's right. There are other foods out there! I dont need to buy donuts!" So I went back to the hotel, ate a small meal, watched some TV and went to sleep.

And this morning, I woke up, alive and awake. I thought I'd just been lazy with the exercising and eating, but this morning I realized that it ran a bit deeper than that. These habits had built roots inside me, ramping up recently as the depression got so bad. In the same way that I've seen God free me from the depression, this morning I feel that same way - like I've been set free, awaken from these decisions I'd been making.

It's a crazy feeling to find freedom from things you didnt know were holding you down. I didnt know I'd drifted into that place, but this morning. 5:58am. I'm alive and I'm awake. Sing with me, How Great is our God.