the question: what do i want in life and why do i want it?

this is more for me & my attempt to remember what i wanted to blog about later!

i realized earlier when i wanted to ask someone else this question that i'd actually never thought through it enough myself. the question was: have you ever stopped to think about why you want (or dont want) what you do (dont) in life? for example, i've rarely been one to long for the "american dream" - house, marriage, kids (i might have blogged about that before?) and i know i've thought about it some - as to why that hasnt really been my dream, but it could certainly use some more pondering. and along with this, if these ARENT the things i want, what are? and why? are there things i think i want that really are some sort of pipe dream? things that seem so "nice" (and i'll leave "nice" up for interpretation b/c that obviously means VERY different things to different people) but really could never be possible?

anyway, i'm hoping to spend some time thinking through that this weekend. i just got the movie Into The Wild in my netflix envelop today - i have a feeling that might help get me thinking (from what i've heard - i havent seen it, so dont give it away!!) perhaps these thoughts will make you think too. that's always a good thing.

God is leading me?

wow, well. it's been a while i suppose. last time i was here, barack obama had just been named the President Elect, and as of today, he's been our President for a week. its amazing how much can seem to happen in such a relatively short amount of time.
i feel like today i've been doing a lot of reflecting, contemplating life as i'm so apt to say. and of course then i went and watched a movie rather than writing while things were fresh in my mind. perhaps i can recall much of what i was thinking through.

the first thought was birthed from a conversation i had last week with one of my bestest of friends. i had basically just spilled my guts to her about trying to figure out this relationship i'm in - trying to explain my various thought processes [which is like chasing the wind]. ultimately, i said it was as if i didnt know what voice to listen to in my head. and what my dear friend told me was that this is the point where i need to ask God what is truth of all the thoughts in my head, and which are not truth. and that i needed to remember [and trust] that God is leading me. and this is where i've been sitting the past week, contemplating this thought of God leading me. not that i've figured a lot out in the past week, but still! i realized that i needed to confront the question of: do I really believe God is leading me? it would seem that the way i approach my days would reveal whether i truly believe that or not. and well, frankly, "not" seems more accurate. the thought of God leading me feels...large. i mean, i dont know if other people really believe that God is leading them through their lives - on a day to day basis. and as i tried to figure this out, well, i havent figured it out yet, but i did discover one thing about what i've been believing.
remember those books-you might have read them in elementary school-the "choose your own adventure" books, where you read a bit then get to a point where you have to choose-if you'd go down into the dark, mysterious cave, go to page 43; if you'd follow the upper trail and try to find your way around above ground, go to page 87. remember those? yeah, so i think that's kind of how i walk through life. i go on my merry (or not so merry) way and when i get to one of those points, I pray that God would tell/show me if i'm supposed to go through door A or door B, and then, assuming i actually wait for what seems to be an answer, i go through said door, continue on my merry (or not so merry) way until I reach another point like that, and ask God again which way to go. And while I wouldnt say I forget about God in between, the past week i've simply been asking the question, "but what if there's more?" or, "what if it could be different? like, better different?" can I be humble enough to consider that I wouldnt have it figured out yet? to admit that? can I be humble enough to consider that God is bigger than just saying "choose door A" or "choose door B"? which would in turn mean also asking the question: can I be humble enough to consider the subject of control? because in case you havent noticed - two people on a journey both cant lead. [admit it-even if you were walking arm in arm w/ another person after "agreeing" to "lead the way together", you're actually either thinking in your head "well yeah but actually i'm leading and you're just walking with me" or you're thinking "yeah, i'm really just here for the status but i'm depending on you to actually direct us". that's like saying a car could have 2 steering wheels & it would function well!].
anyway, i obviously havent gotten far in this thought process, but its been good to start questioning, contemplating, considering big things like this.

and now i'm so very tired! the second of my lifes ponderings well i suppose need to be saved for another time!