who i want to be

well, i dont want to make this long - as my roommate is trying to sleep, but i just read this and it really struck me as something i want to be true about me. it's in an article about discipline [if you'd like to read the full article by Reid Monaghan, click here]

"The believer therefore will desire to be intimately involved with the Bible. She will want to hear it taught and preached regularly. She will want to memorize it, hiding it in her heart. She will want to meditate, think deeply upon, and ponder the wisdom of the Word of God. She will want to read it daily for encouragement and study it deeply so to grasp its truth. She will want to know the Word in order to know God and thereby be able to lead others to the same fountains to drink."

i know for now this is still just a desire within me, as Paul says in Philippians 3, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." perhaps this is a good description of who i want to press on to be...

unexpected tears.

so. in case you didnt know, girls cry. in fact - this girl cries often. 3 times at least in the past 72 hours. i like it that girls cry [i mean, its quite alright that guys cry too, but i feel like crying is a beautiful part of being a girl]. true.. it probably just weirds a guy out when a girl is crying. someone told me once that it's because guys like to fix things. and when a girl is crying, she isn't looking for something to be fixed, she's not in the middle of a situation in which a solution is the best thing. girls are experience-oriented. its good to cry simply to be crying. i think it's just the way we're wired. well, i cried at work friday for numerous reasons and saw how great God is in the people he's surrounded me with [even thinking about them now nearly makes me cry again]. i cried friday night at Gaither - no, not because of the gaithers or their friends :) but because of terrible pain that i couldnt control and this happening in the midst of like thousands of people. poor clint was a real trooper for staying with me - i dont think i communicated how much i appreciated him staying with me til nicole got there, but i did. a lot. and then i cried this morning..

after the trip to the ER on friday, i decided that the whole weekend would be shut down and reserved for lots of rest. which included not going to church this morning. it's actually been incredibly wonderful to get up without at alarm, take a shower, get laundry done, and listen to a sermon from my church in ohio. the sermon was about being salt and light in the world. Rob [the pastor] - his heart just cries out for a world that doesnt know Jesus. my heart hurt with his because my heart doesnt cry out for the world. i've been very self-focused recently... some could blame it on being sick. but i know really that's no excuse. i havent been acting like i really believe that Jesus is who he claims to be. one of my favorite things that jon foreman regularly says [forgive me for paraphrasing here] is that claiming to do anything 'christian' [whether that's claiming to be a christian, play christian music, etc] is a very bold statement and one that he would never make off the cuff. its my favorite thing that he says because anytime i read an interview where he's talking about this, it makes me terribly uncomfortable, uneasy, and challenged - because i'll make the 'christian' claim pretty easily, without taking living it seriously.

i thought about a friend who is returning from europe on tuesday - she loves jesus, and while it may make me uneasy to be around her because of it, i know it's a good thing. oh, i so often credit myself for being more mature in my faith than i am. sure, i may be mature in some aspects, but really... the lack of maturity comes in admitting that i'm still such a child, with so much growing to do, so much to learn. in the sermon this morning, rob was talking about the light and how people will either react like cochroaches or like moths. cochroaches run from the light, but moths flutter to it. i feel like a moth with my friend - the light may be startling, but i just keep wanting to fly toward it. after the sermon, a song came on my itunes by MercyMe. now, i fully know that i shouldnt be posting song lyrics on here, especially a whole song's worth. but i feel like a musician who wants their music to reach people for jesus would want lyrics to be shared like this, because they've touched a live, much moreso than they want their copyright protected. so here are the lyrics to the song that ended my morning [with tears] - it is off MercyMe's new album and i would highly recommend you buying at least the song because it's worth it. It's called "Where I Belong"

Everybody hopes that maybe somewhere down this road we'd finally find the place where we belong
The place where we're complete, the one that occupies our dreams, that place we're lucky to call our home.
Well I have arrived and I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands and shout Your name to praise You with my song
My dream's at hand, I've found my place, the place where I belong.
Everybody tries to find the purpose for their lives in hopes that one more day is justified.
But once you truly see the very reason why you breathe it becomes so much more than getting by.

some stories just need to be shared.

well, it's been an intersting past 24 hours.. i havent been feeling all that well since driving back from missouri last sunday, but i thought i was getting better. well, come monday, someone i went to belmont with tells me he wants to set me up on a blind date with one of his friends. now, if you know me, you know i'd never expect to go on a blind date, but for some reason this was different. so i told him that if his friend was up for it, i'd be happy to go. turns out the blind date would actually happen [which surprised me]. so tuesday at work we were having a department lunch, at which time i went from feeling relatively better [health-wise] to 10 times worse. i was frustrated. if the blind date werent scheduled that night, i surely would have just gone home immediate to rest but i didnt want to back out on the guy, plus after talking to our mutual friend, i'll admit i was pretty curious to meet the guy. so i call my doctor to schedule an appointment for today, take a bit of medicine and begin to feel relatively better.

i leave work and somehow find my way to his place right on time. so we get in his car and head toward our destination. at this point, it's right in the middle of rush hour traffic and we're in the middle of a 4 lane highway, stopped behind a line of cars. well.. there was a semi coming to a stop behind us, but when a car moved into our lane in front of the truck, he didnt have as much time to stop as expected and slammed into the car behind us, which of course then slammed into us. so here we are, pretty much strangers and have just gotten in a car accident on 65N at vietnam vet's blvd. [i say that because i laughed, thinking of how many times i'd heard the radio traffic report mention that a wreck has been picked up at this exact location.] so we call 911 and the cops are on the way, get out to check on the other car and semi - no one is injured thank goodness, and miraculously, the car i was in had no damage.. maybe a scratch on the bumper but that was it. so we eventually pull over, and have probably a good 30-45 minutes to just sit, wait for the cops, and chat. what an entertaining start to the evening that's for sure. finally we're released to go and we proceed with the night. turned out to be a pretty fun time in my opinion, not awkward at all as some would expect on a blind date. i make it home a little after midnight - at this point all medicine taken earlier in the day has worn off, and a bit of soreness from the wreck has set in.

SO, i go to sleep, wake up today feeling essentially terrible. after trying unsuccessfully to convince myself that i felt bad enough to stay home, i head to the office. on my way in, decide i'm just being silly and should have stayed home! however, i'll go in for a short while and take care of a few things that needed to get done, then return home. my boss agrees this is a good idea. i get home around 10 and sleep until my doctor's appointment at 2:15. at the doctor's office, i find out that i most likely have strep throat and thus am contageous. [aka was also contageous last night... on my blind date]. so i'm now on medications, emailed the guy from last night apologizing that i potentially could have passed on this sickness, and am trying to get better as fast as possible. i really need to be better and not contageous soon, because our christmas giveaway is supposed to be tomorrow and friday and if i miss it, i will be incredibly sad :(

i dont know about you, but i find that whole string of events quite humorous - by far one of the better stories in my life as of late. for this reason, i couldnt help but share it [not to mention because i've slept all day and cannot breathe through my nose, i cant fall asleep again right now and figured this would be a good way to pass the time.] i hope you enjoyed the story.