humbled and loving it

well... if you know me, you know that i'm certainly not great at keeping in touch with people. i've begun to recognize that it's rooted in selfishness. oh, how selfishness is written all over my life, and it seems the older i get, the more i see the selfishness wrapped around me. i have glimpses of my past, and remember the child i once was - i dont know if this is normal or not, but there are things about my childhood - parts of my character - that i miss. it keeps coming back to this scripture that i've read so many times

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith... ~Philippians 1:18-25

It amazes me how there are so many layers of meaning in scripture, the more you seek, the more layers continue to be revealed. My mind has been swirling around the concept of living for another person's progress and joy in the faith. What does that mean? and what does that look like? what does it mean for that to drive every action of my day? feel free to ponder this with me.

come with me full circle

well... i really should be asleep right now. i should have been asleep 2 and a half hours ago. if i fall asleep right now, it'd mean 5 and a half hours of sleep. but i feel like my mind is spinning. i needed to put away laundry that i did today. instead, it's sitting on my bed. i wanted to read the yoga magazine and national geographic magazine i got earlier today, but i havent. i want to have read my bible today, but i didnt. i have a ton to do at work the next 2 and a half days. i'm not sure how to be super diligent while at work so that everything gets done. maybe i'll turn IM off. that thought actually calms me down a bit. i like it a lot actually. maybe enough to actually go to sleep. maybe i'll turn some phil wickham on to fall asleep to. now that is a grand idea...

but while i'm here.. i guess i can update life real quick. i'm excited to be going home for thanksgiving - i expect it to be super busy and not 'relaxing' per se.. [maybe i dont really know what a relaxing vacation looks like... i think i'm always looking for a mysterious something else, but, in not knowing what exactly it is that i'm looking for, i live in a terrible inbetween world. but that's a long thought for another blog]. anyway. home will be much fun with the family. last week i got to go to the phil wickham/audio adrenaline/mercyme show. actually paid for our tickets. it was nice to just be a regular fan again [altho our seats did end up being right in front of the soundbooth area. we stood with our arms crossed and smug looks a lot, laughing that we felt like snobby music people. luckily when audioa played, it was back to the high school days and the music industry disappeared momentarily]. i'll miss audio adrenaline - they had a place in this world that is so unique. there may be music out there like theirs, but there is something very different about an audio adrenaline concert.. i should know. it was good to be reminded of this...

this weekend was not too shabby, hung out with a lot of people that are very different from me - by that of course i mean different from the crowd of people i'm used to [like i had before i moved south]. it challenged me in ways, i bit my lip a lot to not run my mouth and be opinionated. and i was nearing melancholy most evenings, but wasnt going to pretend to be cheerful just for the sake of appearing cheerful. and here we are, sunday evening, a chance of flurries in the air tonight, and an early alarm tomorrow morning. my eyes are starting to burn. they need sleep. i need rest. i need time with jesus in the morning. and i need a productive day tomorrow. but mostly, i just need jesus.