Confronting Me

I can't believe it's November 3rd already. It just seems crazy! It also seems crazy that Little Rock just seemed to enter the prime of Fall - great weather in the mid-60s each day, lots of rain means the leaves on the trees actually are changing beautifully rather than just dying off. Life's been...interesting lately. On a light note, if you dont already know, I have a little man in my life named Howie and you can see him here: howierau.blogspot.com.
On a less-light note, I'm fighting some "melissa-isms" that are really doing a disservice to my life and its a lot harder than I would've thought. "Work out your salvation" is taking on a whole new meaning. Yesterday was particularly challenging as the "melissa-ism" I faced was expectations. Most people know that I hold myself to unbelievably high expectations... (okay. i should clarify. to me, they may be high, but they're realistic. but not everyone thinks they're realistic) I dont know where it came from, I feel like for as long back as I can remember, I've just been this way. So trying to deal with that, break free of that - there's just so much to it that I didnt realize. For example, the big break point from the very beginning was asking the questions, "Do I really believe it is possible for this to be different? Do I believe that there will come a day [in this life] that I can be free of this burden?" And wowzers, when I am honest, that is a loaded question. Here I sit, nearly 28 years old and I've been this way (i think) for most of that time. So my past tells me that no, this is not possible. [as a sidenote, I feel like there are all these other questions I need to consider: whether these expectations are really what I want in life? why are the expectations unhealthy? do I want this to change? and if I do, do I believe it's possible to change?) That's a blow to the gut, knocks the wind out of me. To not believe this can change is a hopeless place to be, knocked down and defeated. Quite amazingly, God stepped in here and reminded me of two things:
1) with God, all things are possible
2) in Christ, I am a new creation, the old is gone
When I thought about this, all I could think was that truly believing these things, it requires an massive amount of faith. To actually believe that with God, I can become free of these expectations; to actually believe that because of what Christ did in light of who He is, that i really truly am New - the expectations are the old, and the old is gone. I'm extremely hesitant, still looking this in the face going, i just dont know... because to believe these things in a way that I live in light of them is overwhelming. Scary even. It's 100% faith, 0% me trying to stop being the old.

God is at work on me. It's a scary place to be. I never thought identifying myself with Christ would be like this.