its about life in a moment.. its about a moment in life. there's a difference, you know. can you see it?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Church Pride

Here's another thought that's been swimming around in my head. I've noticed this in the past, but never fully understood it or thought it through... of course, I haven't fully thought it through this time either, but I decided to go ahead and set this thought free [as if my blog were a pensive ;-)]

So here it is:
I've noticed that I am a more prideful person while I'm at church, or any church-related activity. It's always bothered me... frustrated me... because it's really not fun to see yourself as prideful! Not to mention, to see it [it's so obviously written in the many thoughts that dont get spoken outloud, and sadly also in the ones that slip through] and recognize it and it just keeps on! All I can figure out so far is that in a church setting, I know what is looked highly upon, what is considered praise-worthy. I've seen that, lived that, for many years. Outside of the church setting, such things are not emphasized. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesnt follow Christ that cares how many bible verses you've memorized, how often you pray, how many times you've read through the bible [not that I've memorized a lot of scripture... and i rarely pray now-a-days, and i've never read through the whole bible]... but most church-goers would pat you on the back for these... most non-church-goers probably couldnt care less.

Outside of the church, valuing different things than those around me, thinking about things differently, its just the way things are it seems, and its well and good. Pride doesnt stand out to me there. I guess maybe someone looking from the outside might disagree [hopefully not!] becuase I dont mean to act arrogant or prideful.

But church.. Church is different. It's so easy to play into what others would [seemingly] approve of. And since there are roots in some of these things of what I really do wish I was - for example, I wish I prayed more for those around me, because I actually have seen the results of prayers. But what I've noticed is that in a church setting... I cant help but see certain actions, certain language that I use because I think it will bring the approval of others, even if its not really true. Many months back, I caught myself a few times - in conversation with someone, I'd suddenly stop and say 'I dont know why I just said that... that's not what I think... but I knew it's what you wanted to hear... sorry'. [insert awkward silence into conversation there!]

anyway.. that's about all the thoughts I've put together on this. its such a baffling and odd thing to me. I don't like it, but I can't yet seem to fix it [as I said... it penetrates nearly every thought I have in such situations. No wonder I want to leave & not go to church! I dont like the person I'm tempted to be!] It just makes me think... yesterday I was reading Isaiah 2 [never read Isaiah before... hoping this time I actually make it all the way through!] and this study I had asked the question what encouragement does this chapter bring. It was hard for me to see any encouragement at first. The chapter starts with talking of a day when we'll go to the house of God and He will teach us His ways and we will walk in His paths. That sounds good... but it didnt really seem encouraging to me. The rest of the chapter seemed to be talking of coming judgment - it mentions 3 times "the terror of the Lord and the glory of His majesty" [a phrase confusing all on its own... how do the terror of the Lord and the glory of His majesty fit together??? but that's a whole other thing]. Ultimately, what I came to decide was that it is encouraging to me to know that I will not always live in a world tainted by pride and the need for the approval of others. It is encouraging that one day I will get to live in world colored with the righteousness of God.