bipolar

today is saturday, july 26th. it's 12:39pm central time. what a day.. after having alphabatized and filed myself to the point of ridiculousness, there is no more to file, nothing left to alphabatize. the past few days have been a challenge. i seem to have a tolerance for tedious tasks, more than most people i know. for that reason, i am often willing to help in the small things. it is difficult because i find myself wondering 'am i doing this because they dont think i can do more?' and so while i dont have much of a desire to make calls to uninsured people all day, this morning when it became obvious that i was not being useful, the only job left to be done was make calls - which i'm happy to do because that is what is needed (just as the alphabatizing i did earlier this week was what was necessary and therefore i was happy to do that as well). and so i was handed a stack of emails with people emailing in concerns, and told to call them back. while it may not be what i want to be doing, i enjoy this more because i know i am qualified to be doing this. i know i am good at this. i carry myself quite differently when given heavier responsibility because i expect great things of myself and believe others have entrusted this work to me. the past week has provided a world of different challenges, working with different people, working for a woman rather than a man. it teaches and refines me.

so i guess i wonder why it is in my nature to run from the situations that teach and refine me, that make me stronger, that affirm who i am? i see a need to prove myself to others-that i am qualified to do more than alphabatize and file, but that i am also willing to do whatever is needed. and yet, even if i'm everything i know God has made me to be, there are people who will never see it as enough. perhaps the truth lies in the fact that i do not need to remember that I am trying my hardest, but rather i need to remember that i do not live to prove myself to these people around me. if there is a way to remember, to live in light of the truth that it's all about Jesus, will i find the stregth to do so?

waiting for 8.

right now, i just cant come into work late enough.... i've been here this morning for 40 minutes so far, i cant really start..or moreso i refuse to start making phonecalls for another 40 minutes - which means 8am pacific time. and so, everyday i come in too early, i sit here browsing blogs, checking my email, reading more news articles than i ever could have imagined. but, it never seems to fail that when i come in too early, i sit depressed waiting to start making phone calls. including today i have 16 days until I hopefully will be flying back to little rock, and then turning around and flying out to colorado. of course there's no guarantee that i'll get to go on that trip, but that's not something i can focus on over the next 16 days.

our floor here in our dallas building is getting rather crowded. more people come everyday to assist with processing the major event that has happened in our workplace recently. for that reason, i should be thankful that i have my little 4'x6' cubicle when these new people are sitting at tables setup in the hallways. i read in an article yesterday that this bank that has recently closed is larger than all the other banks on the watch list combined. i dont know if that carries any truth - i mean, who knows if the person writing knows anything about this subject, but it is certainly true that this bank is massive, and this process is extreme. i am one of 50 agents calling customers for 11 hours a day, with 10 additional people making calls during their afternoon. i dont know when i'll be going home. today is my 16th day straight working. i'm obviously burnt out, along with the rest of my coworkers, can you tell?! :) i know this jibberish doesnt help, but i obviously need something to pass the time... only 30 minutes to go now.

stream of conscience so I can sleep.

I do love reading. it is very late right now, and I should be asleep but I decided to stay up an extra hour to do a load of laundry. it was a time I greatly appreciated. i've always seemed to enjoy laundromats-not that I was necessarily at one tonight but I love them because they force you to slow down rather than allow you to multitask. tonight I decided to read while waiting on my laundry. an interesting book called Fall On Your Knees-i didn't really have any expectations since I picked the book up from kroger but its pretty good so far. anyway, I like reading because it inspires me to want to be more eloquent when I speak. suddenly every thought I have turns into how it might be said if it were a line from a book. I appreciate this evening for a feeling close to normalcy. today at work started off fairly rough. I went in too early and had too much time for my thoughts to stir about my dislike for this time in my life. this week is worse than last. I really want to go home. I can't fathom another week of this-six weeks is unreal. I can't imagine what I will do when they finally tell me I can leave dallas and don't have to come back. i'll probably cry. I always seem to cry when I leave places-perhaps this is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. okay. I feel like my stream of conscience is complete and that I can go to sleep now. I look forward to exercise in the morning even if it is just a little and even though my body needs more rest than it is going to receive. surely it will have to be enough.

just one reason I listen to christian music!

okay i'm just laughing because tuesday I was driving home from the mall in the rental car, tryin to find something good on the radio and I come across this catchy beat starting up so I keep the scan there to listen. and its a darn catchy beat...its like the theme of High School Musical-it really gets stuck in your head even if you only hear it once. and so-here I am-and I can't stop singing 'i kissed a girl and I liked it, hope my boyfriend don't mind it!' and there is my example of why I listen to christian music-much greater likelihood of being able to sing along w/ a clean conscience! LOL

work sucks. so does my attitude.

I’m sitting at work right now, still with no work to do. It’s been incredibly frustrating for numerous reasons. I keep thinking numerous things…
‘I could be in Arkansas right now’
‘why THIS week have downtime when I’m missing my vacation next week?’
‘what a waste of the company’s money and our time’
‘darn adam and eve for choosing pleasures over God and work as we know it entering the world…’
So I finally pulled out my headphones and hooked up Pandora and turned on my Sara Groves station. Again it makes me appreciate the music that people create…it reminds me that my attitude sucks…

4th of July!

wow. it's been a full month since i last wrote anything down here. perhaps that's what happens when you live in a hotel without internet access in your room. while being home these few days, i've fully taken advantage of the internet access, staying up way too late pretty much every night. this past wednesday morning, very eager and excited to go to work (a 2 hour corporate university meeting followed by a reception and then i had the rest of the day to go home - sounds like a good work day to me!!!). sadly, the excitement soon died away as my coworkers and i were told that we had just been approved to stay in dallas another 60 days. it was very sad indeed. instead of driving to fayetteville on monday, i will be flying back to dallas tomorrow night. luckily, i was allowed to come home wednesday because I had my move planned for this weekend. and move indeed i have done. wednesday night when i arrived home, i certainly didnt have much energy. i went to the apartment to start packing and brought more stuff to the house. then thursday i went to work from 7-3:30, home for a bit and then again to the apartment to pack - half price smoothies for dinner though were a refreshing end to the evening. friday morning got up and ran a 5K (and actually jogged most of it amazingly - finished in just under 35 minutes which is killer for me - thanks to an almost all downhill race, i was stoked. about 11:30 headed back to the apartment with my 2 roommates whose awesomeness meant we had fully packed the apartment in 2 hours. incredible. came back to the house, tried to unpack some things and organize. although exhausted and not feeling overly social, our house had been invited to dinner at our friend's fiance's parents' house, so we got cleaned up and went there. very good idea. ribs, potato salad, green bean cassarole, watermelon, homemade ice cream and brownies might have been one of the best meals i've eaten in the past 10 weeks. i miss cooking real food. i wish i could work just part time and then cook nice meals for people the rest of the day. we had a lot of fun taking jumping pictures and then went downtown for a short bit to catch the fireworks, which were awesome. this morning i awoke with anxiety - it finally was move day. got up way too early, got dressed, moved some stuff in my bedroom and headed to U-Haul to pick up the van. sweetly enough the Uhaul van we got was brand new - 462 miles on it so far. it was a breeze to drive which was great. the move ended up going well with only a few minor bumps along the way - my 5x10 storange unit was actually 4'x9.75' which was definitely not going to work, so i had to move to a bigger unit - pay more per month. and luckily my friend matt absolutely saved the day by coming to help move the washer and dryer and my massive corner TV piece (which after he and sara amazingly carried into the house, actually had to be taken apart to fit into my room). seriously, as my roommate attests, there's no way we could have finished the move without matt's help. i feel quite a sense of relief to have all the moving done. this is really the first time that i've done a major move without my parents helping - i'm glad they didnt have to help (no need to risk hurting their backs!!!) but i certainly was fully aware of my desperate dependence on God to send people my way to help with this move. finally about 1:30 this afternoon we returned the uhaul then swung back by the house to pick up matt and sarah to go out to lunch (that was the least i could do for them!). we all had a feast at IHOP (i really wanted to take them somewhere nicer to say thanks, but we werent exactly dressed for a 5 star restaurant, and the breakfasts we ate for lunch were amazing!). so we came back and i also made everyone cookies, which i just love doing and although it was a small sign, i hope they know how much i appreciated them for their help. and finally now, 8:30pm, i am SO exhausted! my tv is all setup - vcr and dvd player hooked up correctly and everything, and everything that was going to get stored in or set on the corner piece is done. so really all i have left to do is organize my clothes [which there are tons of, in many different areas]. i fly to dallas tomorrow at 3:30pm and before then i'm gonna try my darnedest to get the clothes organized, do laundry, clean and turn in keys for the old apartment and pack for the week. i am motivated by the thought that hope upon hope, this time next week i will be lounging on the beach in perdido key. okay... my roommate just made some really yummy smelling real food so i need to go investigate that and probably eat a decent supper of my own. hope everyone else had an eventful 4th of july, perhaps a bit more relaxing than mine :)