bipolar

today is saturday, july 26th. it's 12:39pm central time. what a day.. after having alphabatized and filed myself to the point of ridiculousness, there is no more to file, nothing left to alphabatize. the past few days have been a challenge. i seem to have a tolerance for tedious tasks, more than most people i know. for that reason, i am often willing to help in the small things. it is difficult because i find myself wondering 'am i doing this because they dont think i can do more?' and so while i dont have much of a desire to make calls to uninsured people all day, this morning when it became obvious that i was not being useful, the only job left to be done was make calls - which i'm happy to do because that is what is needed (just as the alphabatizing i did earlier this week was what was necessary and therefore i was happy to do that as well). and so i was handed a stack of emails with people emailing in concerns, and told to call them back. while it may not be what i want to be doing, i enjoy this more because i know i am qualified to be doing this. i know i am good at this. i carry myself quite differently when given heavier responsibility because i expect great things of myself and believe others have entrusted this work to me. the past week has provided a world of different challenges, working with different people, working for a woman rather than a man. it teaches and refines me.

so i guess i wonder why it is in my nature to run from the situations that teach and refine me, that make me stronger, that affirm who i am? i see a need to prove myself to others-that i am qualified to do more than alphabatize and file, but that i am also willing to do whatever is needed. and yet, even if i'm everything i know God has made me to be, there are people who will never see it as enough. perhaps the truth lies in the fact that i do not need to remember that I am trying my hardest, but rather i need to remember that i do not live to prove myself to these people around me. if there is a way to remember, to live in light of the truth that it's all about Jesus, will i find the stregth to do so?