unexpected tears.

so. in case you didnt know, girls cry. in fact - this girl cries often. 3 times at least in the past 72 hours. i like it that girls cry [i mean, its quite alright that guys cry too, but i feel like crying is a beautiful part of being a girl]. true.. it probably just weirds a guy out when a girl is crying. someone told me once that it's because guys like to fix things. and when a girl is crying, she isn't looking for something to be fixed, she's not in the middle of a situation in which a solution is the best thing. girls are experience-oriented. its good to cry simply to be crying. i think it's just the way we're wired. well, i cried at work friday for numerous reasons and saw how great God is in the people he's surrounded me with [even thinking about them now nearly makes me cry again]. i cried friday night at Gaither - no, not because of the gaithers or their friends :) but because of terrible pain that i couldnt control and this happening in the midst of like thousands of people. poor clint was a real trooper for staying with me - i dont think i communicated how much i appreciated him staying with me til nicole got there, but i did. a lot. and then i cried this morning..

after the trip to the ER on friday, i decided that the whole weekend would be shut down and reserved for lots of rest. which included not going to church this morning. it's actually been incredibly wonderful to get up without at alarm, take a shower, get laundry done, and listen to a sermon from my church in ohio. the sermon was about being salt and light in the world. Rob [the pastor] - his heart just cries out for a world that doesnt know Jesus. my heart hurt with his because my heart doesnt cry out for the world. i've been very self-focused recently... some could blame it on being sick. but i know really that's no excuse. i havent been acting like i really believe that Jesus is who he claims to be. one of my favorite things that jon foreman regularly says [forgive me for paraphrasing here] is that claiming to do anything 'christian' [whether that's claiming to be a christian, play christian music, etc] is a very bold statement and one that he would never make off the cuff. its my favorite thing that he says because anytime i read an interview where he's talking about this, it makes me terribly uncomfortable, uneasy, and challenged - because i'll make the 'christian' claim pretty easily, without taking living it seriously.

i thought about a friend who is returning from europe on tuesday - she loves jesus, and while it may make me uneasy to be around her because of it, i know it's a good thing. oh, i so often credit myself for being more mature in my faith than i am. sure, i may be mature in some aspects, but really... the lack of maturity comes in admitting that i'm still such a child, with so much growing to do, so much to learn. in the sermon this morning, rob was talking about the light and how people will either react like cochroaches or like moths. cochroaches run from the light, but moths flutter to it. i feel like a moth with my friend - the light may be startling, but i just keep wanting to fly toward it. after the sermon, a song came on my itunes by MercyMe. now, i fully know that i shouldnt be posting song lyrics on here, especially a whole song's worth. but i feel like a musician who wants their music to reach people for jesus would want lyrics to be shared like this, because they've touched a live, much moreso than they want their copyright protected. so here are the lyrics to the song that ended my morning [with tears] - it is off MercyMe's new album and i would highly recommend you buying at least the song because it's worth it. It's called "Where I Belong"

Everybody hopes that maybe somewhere down this road we'd finally find the place where we belong
The place where we're complete, the one that occupies our dreams, that place we're lucky to call our home.
Well I have arrived and I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands and shout Your name to praise You with my song
My dream's at hand, I've found my place, the place where I belong.
Everybody tries to find the purpose for their lives in hopes that one more day is justified.
But once you truly see the very reason why you breathe it becomes so much more than getting by.