life without purpose

Today has been a really rough day...nothing bad has happened, i wasn't busy, overwhelmed, making tough decisions, none of that. so why in the world would it be a rough day. there are a lot of thoughts in my head, i dont even know how to sort them out.

hinds feet & much afraid & the journey through the forest of danger and tribulation
life without purpose
damien rice song
student2student email

that is my list to try and make this make sense. i'll start with Much-Afraid. she's a character in a book called Hinds Feet On High Places. its up there as one of my favorite books of all time and i'm reading it again. the book is about Much Afraid's life story - she comes from the Fearing family, and lives in the Valley of Humiliation, but she works for the Chief Shepherd. The story begins by Much-Afraid asking the Chief Shepherd if she can ever go with Him to the High Places (where He lives). The story that follows is her journey to the High Places. One part of the journey is through the forest of danger and tribulation. it stands out in my head for a few reasons - up til that point on the journey, she always feared and dreaded anything that she encountered that was not just simple crossing a flat path- things like scaling a mountain wall, trekking through a vast desert (which may not sound bad, but the path took her in the direct opposite direction of the High Places that she was trying to get to). then she gets to the forest of danger and tribulation and though it is continuously storming or completely cloaked with a dense mist, all she has to do is walk through it. as she's making her way, she begins to realize how this, what she thought she wanted the whole journey to be like, was actually the worst part - there was no challenge, nothing to conquer and overcome - just walk. somehow, i can relate to this right now. ( i could say a lot more about this book, but you might as well just go read it.)

what now.. we'll move on to damien rice. so i'm at work today. it was just a forest of danger and tribulation type day. just trudging along, nothing more. silly me (so much like Much-Afraid), i fed the emotion and put in mood music - damien rice and one song sang thing "and so it is just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me most of the time; and so it is the shorter story, no love no glory, no hero in her sky". again, another snapshot that could be added to a collage and represent my life - no love, no glory, everything just goes easy, no ups or downs, just trudging along.

and the more i sat here at my computer, as the time passed, as my mind wandered, it was like a marquee running through my head. it wouldnt stop. it just kept playing the same thing over and over 'my life has no purpse my life has no purpose my life has no purpose'. and the more i sat here at my computer, as the time passed, as my mind wandered i began to think how perfectly my job fit into my life. as if a second marquee scrolled beneath the first, and the second repeated over and over 'my job has no purpose my job has no purpose my job has no purpose'. i got a phone call and left my desk, as i was walking i felt like satan was just pounding on me, throwing punches and i was just taking it. i got back to my desk, looked at my clock and saw that it was 5:30. a sigh of relief. work over.

so i checked my email, as i do before i go home each night, i had one email - from a series of emails that i normally delete without even opening. but i opened this one, and i only read one line of it. this is what it said, "Never forget that people are hurting under the surface, and they NEED and WANT to know Christ". i've heard that said before many times, but i think i heard it differently today because i can relate to it. not just relate, you can replace the word people with my name 'never forget that melissa is hurting under the surface, and she NEEDs and WANTs to know Christ'. its true, so incredibly true. catch any other person at a time of vulnerability and they'd probably say the same thing. i never remember that. i never see someone and think what's hurting beneath the surface. last nite as i was trying to go to sleep, my mind was just whirling, it wouldnt stop. but for a minute, one of those thoughts was 'you know, my mind is always like this, its always got something to deal with - i wonder if other people are like that too?' i see people, i forget that they're like me, that i'm like them, that each person everywhere has a whole world that they're in, millions of things going on, chaos.

i still feel like my life has no purpose, and i'm certainly not convinced that my job is any better. last nite, as i was thinking about Much-Afraid. before she began her journey to the High Places, she lived in the Valley of Humiliation. she was one of the Chief Shepherd's flock though - she was in, and she could have stayed there, lived her whole life there, in the service of the Chief Shepherd, never taking the journey to the High Places. i wonder if most of us never leave the valley...

for the praise of His glory,
melissa.