Confronting Me

I can't believe it's November 3rd already. It just seems crazy! It also seems crazy that Little Rock just seemed to enter the prime of Fall - great weather in the mid-60s each day, lots of rain means the leaves on the trees actually are changing beautifully rather than just dying off. Life's been...interesting lately. On a light note, if you dont already know, I have a little man in my life named Howie and you can see him here: howierau.blogspot.com.
On a less-light note, I'm fighting some "melissa-isms" that are really doing a disservice to my life and its a lot harder than I would've thought. "Work out your salvation" is taking on a whole new meaning. Yesterday was particularly challenging as the "melissa-ism" I faced was expectations. Most people know that I hold myself to unbelievably high expectations... (okay. i should clarify. to me, they may be high, but they're realistic. but not everyone thinks they're realistic) I dont know where it came from, I feel like for as long back as I can remember, I've just been this way. So trying to deal with that, break free of that - there's just so much to it that I didnt realize. For example, the big break point from the very beginning was asking the questions, "Do I really believe it is possible for this to be different? Do I believe that there will come a day [in this life] that I can be free of this burden?" And wowzers, when I am honest, that is a loaded question. Here I sit, nearly 28 years old and I've been this way (i think) for most of that time. So my past tells me that no, this is not possible. [as a sidenote, I feel like there are all these other questions I need to consider: whether these expectations are really what I want in life? why are the expectations unhealthy? do I want this to change? and if I do, do I believe it's possible to change?) That's a blow to the gut, knocks the wind out of me. To not believe this can change is a hopeless place to be, knocked down and defeated. Quite amazingly, God stepped in here and reminded me of two things:
1) with God, all things are possible
2) in Christ, I am a new creation, the old is gone
When I thought about this, all I could think was that truly believing these things, it requires an massive amount of faith. To actually believe that with God, I can become free of these expectations; to actually believe that because of what Christ did in light of who He is, that i really truly am New - the expectations are the old, and the old is gone. I'm extremely hesitant, still looking this in the face going, i just dont know... because to believe these things in a way that I live in light of them is overwhelming. Scary even. It's 100% faith, 0% me trying to stop being the old.

God is at work on me. It's a scary place to be. I never thought identifying myself with Christ would be like this.

Church Pride

Here's another thought that's been swimming around in my head. I've noticed this in the past, but never fully understood it or thought it through... of course, I haven't fully thought it through this time either, but I decided to go ahead and set this thought free [as if my blog were a pensive ;-)]

So here it is:
I've noticed that I am a more prideful person while I'm at church, or any church-related activity. It's always bothered me... frustrated me... because it's really not fun to see yourself as prideful! Not to mention, to see it [it's so obviously written in the many thoughts that dont get spoken outloud, and sadly also in the ones that slip through] and recognize it and it just keeps on! All I can figure out so far is that in a church setting, I know what is looked highly upon, what is considered praise-worthy. I've seen that, lived that, for many years. Outside of the church setting, such things are not emphasized. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesnt follow Christ that cares how many bible verses you've memorized, how often you pray, how many times you've read through the bible [not that I've memorized a lot of scripture... and i rarely pray now-a-days, and i've never read through the whole bible]... but most church-goers would pat you on the back for these... most non-church-goers probably couldnt care less.

Outside of the church, valuing different things than those around me, thinking about things differently, its just the way things are it seems, and its well and good. Pride doesnt stand out to me there. I guess maybe someone looking from the outside might disagree [hopefully not!] becuase I dont mean to act arrogant or prideful.

But church.. Church is different. It's so easy to play into what others would [seemingly] approve of. And since there are roots in some of these things of what I really do wish I was - for example, I wish I prayed more for those around me, because I actually have seen the results of prayers. But what I've noticed is that in a church setting... I cant help but see certain actions, certain language that I use because I think it will bring the approval of others, even if its not really true. Many months back, I caught myself a few times - in conversation with someone, I'd suddenly stop and say 'I dont know why I just said that... that's not what I think... but I knew it's what you wanted to hear... sorry'. [insert awkward silence into conversation there!]

anyway.. that's about all the thoughts I've put together on this. its such a baffling and odd thing to me. I don't like it, but I can't yet seem to fix it [as I said... it penetrates nearly every thought I have in such situations. No wonder I want to leave & not go to church! I dont like the person I'm tempted to be!] It just makes me think... yesterday I was reading Isaiah 2 [never read Isaiah before... hoping this time I actually make it all the way through!] and this study I had asked the question what encouragement does this chapter bring. It was hard for me to see any encouragement at first. The chapter starts with talking of a day when we'll go to the house of God and He will teach us His ways and we will walk in His paths. That sounds good... but it didnt really seem encouraging to me. The rest of the chapter seemed to be talking of coming judgment - it mentions 3 times "the terror of the Lord and the glory of His majesty" [a phrase confusing all on its own... how do the terror of the Lord and the glory of His majesty fit together??? but that's a whole other thing]. Ultimately, what I came to decide was that it is encouraging to me to know that I will not always live in a world tainted by pride and the need for the approval of others. It is encouraging that one day I will get to live in world colored with the righteousness of God.

never saw this one coming!

its been a long time since i've thought about this blog, but in the past week i've had so many various thoughts about things I wanted to blog about. and while hopefully i'll go back to those things, today i wanted to share a small part of this morning. in the past week, I've had more opportunities to share uganda photos & stories with more of my coworkers and so its been stirring in my mind again. while i havent felt much of a desire to go to church on sunday mornings (not to mention not having the opportunity in the past month), today i was remembering church at Greater Life with Patricia and Jelis. And I was thinking of how God got me through this past week when I thought there was no way I was going to make it. So I decided I'd go to church this morning, remembering my sweet girls and wanting to say thanks to God.

the church i went to, from what i could tell, has just been going through a time of challenging each other to give beyond their ability - to raise the tithe pool, if you will. this morning the emphasis was all about giving from the heart - basically saying dont just give more because you feel like you're supposed to. at the end, they had a time for everyone to pray and make commitments to raise their monthly giving, or give a special one time gift, etc. and it felt like it was the natural end the service was coming to (this certainly isnt the first church to do this sort of thing). but then they did something that definitely was a first for me. the pastor came back up and said we're not quite through yet -- we're putting 4 more baskets in front of the stage [and i'm thinking.. okay, this puts it over the edge of i feel like they just keep asking for more and more money!]. I couldnt have been more off! the pastor says - in these baskets, there's roughly $5,000 in cash... we know the church in Acts is described as always meeting the peoples needs, whatever they were. so, this money is here for you... if you came here today concerned saying 'i dont know how i'm going to pay for gas this week... or groceries...' etc, this is God meeting your need. and so we sang, and some people added money to these baskets, while others took what they needed.

it was truly bizarre! but at the same time, it was hysterically, wonderfully great!
the pastor made the comment 'i know many of you may think this is weird. but we already knew we were weird! please dont let your pride or hesitation get in the way - if you came this morning with a need, this IS your answer! and if no one comes up here and takes this money, i'm gonna start calling people out because i KNOW some of you need it!' and so they did. and it was so incredible.

the beauty of it also was that it was just so stinkin genuine & real... and for the first time in like 2 years, i actually WANT to go back to church next week. because if that's what this church is, where they just put out cash in front b/c they know people just need it, how can you not want to be a part of that?

i'm obsessed with twilight. i admit it.

well, the twilight fan cruise is sold out. and i didnt win the drawing for the audio book set of twilight books. and i've yet to find my edward. i could go without the whole vampire side, just someone fantastic falling in love with someone ordinary. i'd settle for that.

so i guess in the meantime, my twilight obsession will be limited to rereading the books & looking forward to the next movie release.

i've got 6 more days of work before i go to Uganda. it doesnt even seem real. not at all. but it will be real soon enough.

well, bella's about to meet edward's family. gotta go :)

HELP?! It's not what you think.

As I was reading this morning, I came across this very interesting comment:

..........for the word "help" is inapplicable
where we ourselves do nothing...............

After reading it a few times over, I was caught up in the idea, because I realized this is something I've never thought of before. For me, it came to be about questioning what am I actually asking for when I ask for help? It didnt take me long to discover that probably a good 70% of the time, when I ask for help, or pray for help, I'm really asking if someone else will do something for me, not with me. For example - my trip to Uganda - I am asking people to help send me on this trip. This is accurate because I am paying for some of the trip and am asking others to make financial donations. It would be relatively inaccurate to ask people to help send me if I were relying solely on the donations of others - more accurate would be simply asking people to send me, not to help send me.

This most certainly could fall into that category of things that most people dont care about. That category of 'if you're gonna get picky about it, okay fine, sure, that's true... but it doesnt really matter.' And I suppose if it doesnt matter to you, no problem. But I seem to spend a lot of time mulling over the things of this category. And today HELP has been my subject of choice. Because I guess, along the line of prayers - if I keep asking God to help me _______ (fill in the blank) and am angry because He's not helping. He must not be listening. He must not care.
OR.
I dont think He's answering because what I really was asking was for Him to miraculously make something happen. [i.e. "God, help me be patient with my coworkers." Which would mean, God I'm gonna try hard to be patient & if you could help me in this process that would be amazing. Probably more successful if we worked together on this one. Unfortunately, when praying that prayer, I had no intention of trying to be patient. I was actually asking for God to somehow make me unable to be anything but patient with people. Do you see the difference I'm trying to illustrate?]

I think this one has grabbed my attention ... for several reasons. For one - it makes me consider whether I'd ever ask God to do something like miraculously change something (probably not. if i'm being honest. and since God is fully aware of my thoughts anyway, might as well be honest!). So then secondly, it makes me consider what it I'm committing to when I ask for help. And I do go back and forth here... or maybe just try to further clarify.

Take today at work for example. After reading this before work, I prayed that God would help me work hard today because I knew I had stuff I actually needed to get done. And when I was asking God for help, I was making up my mind that YES. I will be intentional about honestly trying my best to work at work & not check my email, or daydream, or write this blog during work! But - I'm not saying I'm committing to work hard b/c what if God doesnt help, well then shoot I'd better work that much harder just in case. No no, that's not it at all. It's what that quote says - the word help is inapplicable when I do nothing.

Obviously I'm still thinking this through, these were just my first thoughts & it made me think so much that I wanted to share the concept with other people & see what other people thought about this. Sooo... what do you think?!

I've Been Waiting for You

It always happens that I feel most thoughtful while I’m at work, when I should be doing other things! I’m laughing because I was just thinking, “Man, I wish I could be doing other things during these hours while my brain is most alert!” - and, of course, we’re at work during these hours for that exact reason - because we should be alert at work! Oh well, it makes me laugh at least. Anyway, I was just spending a few minutes of my lunch break reading the notes from the sweet sleep team in Moldova right now & one of the comments stood out. One of the people at the orphanage said ‘we’ve been waiting for you for a year’. Just a simple statement and yet, there is something so powerful there. Can you imagine if someone said that to you? Imagine someone who’s lost their job in this economy & finally finds employment. They go in their first day and upon greeting their new boss, this person meets them with a huge grin, a firm handshake and says ‘We’ve been waiting for YOU! We’re so glad YOU are here!’ Or imagine going off to college, where you were far away from home and didn’t know a soul and you walk into your tiny dorm room & meet your stranger of a roommate who, upon seeing you come in, jumps up, rushes to meet you with a hug and says, ‘YOU’RE HERE! I’ve been waiting for you!’ Of course, being the Twilight fan I am, my brain jumps to these examples too… When Jasper first encounters Alice and her response is ‘I thought you’d never get here!’ Or when Edward and Bella are in the meadow and he says ‘You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.’ Or, if I may be so bold, imagine if it were Christ. One minute you’re so afraid or in pain or whatever emotion you did or did not expect to feel when death is knocking at your door, and suddenly here you are, and the creator of the universe is there to meet you and says ‘I’ve been waiting for you, I’m so glad you’re here!’

Okay, so maybe that would freak you out [too much invasion into your personal space?! Too much imagination for wherever your theology has you?] but I mean, really, think about that! Maybe for some people, that all sounds prideful - to which I guess I’d say when I think about those examples and think if it were me they were talking to, the right reaction would be something along the lines of ‘no way - you’ve been waiting for me?!’ - an awed reaction, a humble reaction, a ‘no, come on now, its just little old me!’ That’s the reaction I’m thinking of, as opposed to a ‘Yeah, that’s right people - ME! You’re lucky I’m here! Gosh, I should’ve kept you waiting longer just so you’d realize how lucky you are now that I’M here!’ (yeah. THAT reaction creeps me out. Runs shivers down my spine.)

But yeah, all that said, I want to be genuinely feel that way about people and events. I want to see a friend I haven’t seen all day, or all week, or all whenever and when they come through the door, I want to drop what I’m doing, run & greet them because I really am glad they’re there! I want to give them a big hug, or smile, or pat on the back (whatever’s appropriate) such as to communicate this! Which brings me to the one other thing said in these blogs that jarred my memory. For the first year and a half while I lived in Nashville, once a week I would listen to Dave Hunt say, ‘You know I heard it said that a person needs at least 8 meaningful touches [insert: hugs, high fives, etc! not just shake hands with a stranger like you’re shaking hands with a robot!) a day to maintain overall well-being’ (or something along those lines). In the sweet sleep blogs, the person said ‘think about how many personal touches like this you receive each day’ - and how the orphans she’s meeting maybe get 8 of these a month, if they’re lucky.

You hear people say things like hugs are good for your soul. Or, when you give someone a hug and they say I needed that!! You know, I think it just might be true - not just a responsive comment, but a genuine we DO need that! I guess that’s to say - to any of you reading this that live near me & see me regularly (whatever that means!), perhaps more hugs are on the way the next time I see you (and hopefully many times to follow) because we probably both need it!

And when it comes to the countdown to the Uganda trip - I absolutely without a doubt cannot wait ‘til this becomes our story. When it’s our time at the orphanages to pour out all the love, all the care, all the compassion - everything that’s in us, everything God’s created us for that, until this moment, hasn’t even had the platform He’s been waiting for to fill in us, spill out of us -- at the same time as, what I might expect would be from the people we’ll meet, will stream into our lives & infiltrate our everything. Yes, I’ll dream about the more, the ideal, the anomaly because I really do believe we were created for more than everything we know and think and can imagine.

moments for courage

so i went to church again today. that's 2 weeks in a row. it's really weird to go to church. my mom's been encouraging me to considering going to church again on a regular basis, and so, i'm trying to keep a very open mind & put myself out there again. i will say i got quite a kick out of something they did at the beginning of the service... i guess they regularly tell people to take a minute, say hello to the people sitting around you - you know, introduce yourself if you see someone you dont know [its always interesting during those times right now b/c i obviously dont know anyone... but very rarely do people actually come say hello]. anyway, so today, the guy says something like 'get ready, this is gonna be uncomfortable... we want you to go say hello to someone you dont know who is sitting.on.the.other.side.of.the.room!!! and then (gasp) sit next to them all morning' [aka for everyone who comes in, sits in the exact same seat every sunday, go meet someone else & see new faces!]. i personally got a kick out of this - thought it was great. seeing as how i've sat in a different place every week i've gone to this church, and seeing as how i basically didnt know anyone, i stayed where i was at & met Betty and her niece Shadow. it was neat, though, because suddenly you looked around & there was just a completely different buzz in the air, and there were no longer empty seats between everyone [you know. that 'personal space church bubble' where there's always gotta be an empty seat between you & those strange people down the isle...]. the pastor got on stage and proceeded to explain that this whole thing was his idea... that starting about 3 weeks into his college career, he made a habit out of watching people in his classes and after 2-3 weeks, he'd sit in their seat all of a sudden just to watch their reaction! and he did this for all 4 years at college.

wasnt college great? this illustration made me laugh. and this evening, i've been thinking back to college while I've been thinking about church. it stumps me still... i realized tonight that college was like the cherry on top of one's spiritual journey (well, if one is pursuing a spiritual journey during college). for me, it meant always surrounded by your greatest friends, always able to talk [a lot. all the time] and know pretty much everything that was happening in all your friends' lives. i didnt just have a few close friends in college. there were like a good 20 people that i loved dearly. we prayed together all the time, sang & laughed and laughed more! and we went to church together. sat together. the pastor loved us - he was so thrilled to have us as part of the church. he knew us, prayed for us, supported us. while of course life went on this whole time, everyone faced challenges of one sort or another (after all, this is college & everything that goes with it), but spiritually, we had it all. really, even more than that, it was an abundance. i dont know if other people had this experience, but i look back with some seriously fond memories.

and then i start looking not quite as far back... to the years following college. and i cant help but stop and go 'what in the heck just happened?!?!' moving to a new city & no longer carrying the 'college student' title, i became just another single person in the church. the pastor didnt know me, people didnt know me... perhaps they recognized my face after a while, but i felt like a loner. it was kinda like church before college. with no roots in a church, no family members who others who know me by, even after working in the nursery 2 and a half years, i was just another face in the crowd. it sucked. BIG time. i guess that's part of the reason i gave up on church.

so going back to church now... after my 'break' of 2 years, it's kind of a scary thing. and its weird going, having no connection to anyone and, with a job where i'm here 2 days, there 3 days, completely inconsistent, i can admit that i fear that even if i start going every sunday, even if i make as big an effort as is possible to always sit by new people, introduce myself, be annoyingly talkative to people who may not be interested in meeting new people, i fear that i'll once again just be another face in the crowd. but, like i said earlier: open mind. i'm trying to keep an open mind and just maybe be open to the thought that there's someone else there that God wants me to meet because that person desperately needs a friend or someone to talk to and there's something about me that He knows would be perfectly suited for the situation. it would take some serious amounts of courage, i know that. i guess we'll see...

this morning, before church, i was listening to a pastor who i enjoy (francis chan... pastor at Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA... i've mentioned him before). anyway, he gave a great illustration. made me laugh, of course. was talking about how the world's strongest man goes to his church (yes, meaning the one off those 'World's Strongest Man' competition you see on tv at 2am). he said the guy could bench-press 1100 pounds. can you even imagine?! i cant even fathom... and the guy is married. his wife - yeah, she can press 400 pounds!! a girl! that can benchpress 400 pounds. ha. yeah, pick your chin up off the ground. they've got kids.
and you could guess what he's about to say, right? but he says just imagine if their kids were these scrawny little runts of the group and how odd that would look compared to their parents! (of course, not to say there'd be anything wrong with that! just making a point of course!) the moral of the story was that it should look strange for people who believe in Jesus (who the Bible calls children of God) to be timid & afraid & unbelieving, compared to God the Father, who is all-powerful, fully loving, perfect at everything, and through the Holy Spirit, living INSIDE those who believe. and so, be courageous!

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9