Drawn-out Moments

well, i'm torn here because i am brutally tired! and i definitely want to go to sleep, but i also want to write on here for just a bit! it was a really good night, really strange, but good. i went to the women's bible study again at my church tonite and heard more miss helen stories (i cant remember if i've written about them before.. if not, i'll have to explain them later). anyway, the study went fine, nothing overly striking really. then, we sang one final song at the end. take my life and let it be. i think we sing it acappela every week to end our time, which is kinda cool. anyway, all of a sudden i felt like someone was placing this huge load on top of me. it was so weird. not like it was forcing me to the ground, just like it was holding me down. i think something like this happened to my roommate the other night when she was sleeping, and someone told her that this often happens to people when they are dreaming about spiritual battles. well, i knew i wasn't asleep, so dreaming about spiritual battles wasnt the case.. it was just weird. (and oh the irony that i was wearing my angel wars t-shirt).

anyway, i left and decided to go to starbucks, and just figured i'd go to the one by my apartment, but i kept feeling like i should go to the one by my work. so i did. and i had my journal and bible with me as i was ordering my drink and the guy asked what i was reading, and well... i didnt really know what to read, so i told him that (because, frankly, i was still wondering about the heavy weight thing and why i was at that particular starbucks...) so he says that i should read hebrews 12-14 and so i think.. well, that is interesting.. i had no plans on what to read or meditate on, so why not go there. so i get my drink (which they made in the real tea cups with the little saucers which was just oh so cool i thought) and sat down and opened my bible to hebrews 12. funny how when he said hebrews 12, nothing came to mind, but once i opened to it, i realized, duh! hebrews 12:2 has always been a favorite verse of mine.. couldnt give a reason why, not before tonite at least, but i think i'm closer..

so here's where it got cool because things kind of came together in just a small way. for whatever reason lately, its almost like i've been intimidated by my bible, and my past. i was believing that because i'd been a christian for a certain number of years, i really needed to be reading parts of the bible that i dont normally read, and the parts that i've read over and over - i was believing that i should just stay away from those areas. so i kept trying to read jeremiah, but i was going in circles of frustration that just kept leading me to not read my bible at all, which of course just frustrated me even more. so tonite, when the starbucks guy told me to read hebrews 12 and i realized that hebrews 12:2 was a verse i memorized within the first few years of being a christian, it was just awesome - i knew it was something i'd read a lot, but when i started reading, i just had so many questions. i just kept reading the opening verses of hebrews 12 over and over and writing down every question that came to mind, or every thought that came to mind. and a few great things came out of it.

It starts off saying Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses and immediately i was thinking so many things. who makes up this great cloud of witnesses? was it friends? well.. ironically in nashville i dont feel very surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses right now, so i kept thinking.. was it old friends that live all around the U.S.? maybe.. was it all the characters in the bible? this is the one that really got me, because i started wondering what it would be like to surround myself with characters like ruth, and esther, and david, and samuel, and paul, and timothy? so the bible says because we're surrounded by this great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off what hinders and the sin that so easily entangles... it just made me think, friends come and go, and while i've had so many great friends, they're not always around to encourage me, to be present and running this race side-by-side with me, but the characters in the bible, to learn about them and really gain an immense understanding of who they are and what they went through, i can be surrounded by that all the time. i dont know if that's exactly what the scripture was meaning, but it sure opened up a whole new world to me.. and that was only verse one..

verse 2 was equally gripping! first off, the verse starts by saying let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith and yeah.. it kind of seems straight forward, but i just sat and thought about it. i wondered what exactly does it look like to fix our eyes on Jesus? and what does it really mean for him to be the author and perfector of our faith? romans 4:21 came to mind (i think its an awesome definition of faith): be fully pursuaded that God has power to do that which he has promised. so.. fixing our eyes is tied to being fully pursuaded because you become fully pursuaded about something by really focusing on it and studying it right? sooo.. all the connections havent fully been made, but i came to realizing that this is saying let us focus with everything in us on Jesus, the author and perfector of our belief that God does have power to do what He has promised. ah.. that just rocked my world.. alright, so moving on to the rest of verse 2 - the speaker tonight at the church bible study talked about a circular process in life of Realization, Inspiration, Respiration, and Perspiration - realizing a particular truth, being inspired in that it is actually true about you, respiration meaning to take a deep breath and say okay, where do i start, let's do this!, and perspiration meaning that we start trying to carry the load of the truth ourself and need God to bring us again to realization of the truth. okay, so with that in mind, i read the rest of verse 2: who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. so, realization - Jesus saw the joy before him, inspiration - He knew that it was his joy to have, respiration - he endured whatever he faced, perspiration - he sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. and where am I? what is my joy? its eternity, which God has put into my heart (inspiration), and focusing on Jesus, its following his lead - enduring what comes my way (respiration), and realizing that though i endure what comes my way, i dont do it on my own (perspiration), i go to the throne of God and seek renewed realization.

man.. it just gets me.. there was so much more.. there are a multitude of questions that came up tonite that i dont know answers to, but i loved asking them. i love knowing that there is hope. there is more to life. we were meant to live for so much more. i am meant to live for so much more. and that has nothing to do with where i live, what i do for a living, who i'm friends with, if i'm single forever, how much money i make (or dont make)... God is beginning to show me how many places besides Him i've been trying to find life. the speaker tonite made a great point. she said, it's one thing to say that God is our shepherd. but we live our lives trying not to need a shepherd. ah.. such sheep are we.

oi.. even though i could keep writing, i probably should be sleeping so that i'm not so tired at work tomorrow. today was a long day. when i first started this job, they told me that i would end up being "the queen of LCS" (lcs being the computer system i work in all day...). i dont think i really understood what that really meant. today i understand. i feel like i've become a computer nerd. (not that being a computer wiz makes you a nerd - mick is one of our computer geniuses and he's super cool - he even used to be on staff w/ crusade which makes him even cooler.) anyway, i never expected to describe myself as a computer person.. interesting where life takes you. okay.. that's enough, really.. i gotta go sleep!

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Do you believe that? really? do you really believe that? and if you do, so what? what effect does it have in your life?

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa