how i wish i could go back to the mainland...

seems crazy to me that just earlier today, i came on here and thought wow.. it's been a long time since i've posted a blog, and as much as i wanted to post something, i thought 'yeah... i've got nothing to say'. but since earlier this afternoon, i came over to the clubhouse (as i dont get internet in my apartment) and the wifi is actually working! anyway...

I came over to try and find an old friend's blog. i had a dream the other night that i was moving into a new place, something like a hostel, and out of nowhere, this old friend is there, living there, and it was the most excited i'd been in quite a while. therefore i had to try and find this friend again in the online world because i've lost touch with so many people from my past... and incredibly, i found this friend, and in fact, found so much more.

right now i feel as my life has been flipped upside down. literally, in a 'if i stand up, i might be on my head trying to walk through the wall because i feel so backwards. here i am, i feel like i'm floating on an island through life by myself. and i cant figure out how to get off my alone island and onto the mainland where everyone else lives and interacts. recently, i paddled myself to a different side of the mainland, and sadly, it looks the same as it did before, and i still cant figure out how to get there. and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. more than that really. i dont know what i've done in somehow choosing to always leave the things that are great in life. i feel (like an idiot even saying that) like its because i've been off searching for my life instead of god. satan's gotta be happy with me over these past few years. i've felt lost and confused and chaotic and yet over and over again i never choose to search out god, cry out in desperateness, throw it all out there and wait on him. i dont know why. there's a fear engulfing every crater of my mind.

how i wish i could go back to the mainland and get off this island...