Into The Wild

i found this piece of paper the other day.. its been tucked away in my bible, not sure for how long because it doesnt have a date on it.

"Today is one of those days it feels difficult to live. I feel the weight of work being irrelevant. I lack motivation to spend time learning for no greater purpose. But I often feel this way about most things in life. I feel trapped by my material belongings. Again and again I remember that phrase 'how hard is it for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God'. I laugh at myself. Sometimes I really do want to 'sell all my belongings and follow Him' but is that even realistic? I want to live on a farm, grown my needed food and read my Bible the rest of the time. What is the purpose of this work? What good does it do to pursue a career? What worth is found in self-improvement? And still, over and over I cant help but feeling a loneliness in wondering does no one else ask these questions? Do we just fill our lives with activities because we dont know the answers? The thought of living the next sixty years asking these questions is to me a daunting task. What fear I must have stored up within me..."

Tonight I watched the movie "Into The Wild" and it was nothing like I expected. The whole thing was terribly sad to me - unbelievably depressing. In all those thoughts above, i know my 'farm plan' isnt the answer, nor is that truly what i desire to do. I still feel conviction behind these thoughts though. Perhaps that's why watching this movie felt so painful, because in a sense I understood some of the feelings he had.. but not all of them. i felt so bad for the people who came to care for him and wept when he left, knowing he wasnt coming back, and i fear that the questions i ask and decisions i make have that same effect. it leaves me torn and so sad...