Greener Grass

Race for the Cure!

2010-10-17T21:36:00.008-05:00

First experience running in the Race for the Cure! How have I not participated before?!! It was a BLAST!
Jogger/Walkers!

FDIC Representing!

The Starting Line!

We were all BIG fans of the firemen!!! BIG fans!

Little Rock's Race for the Cure is the 3rd largest in the Country!

Finished!

Yay friends!!

I wanna be a rockstar when I grow up.

2010-06-09T21:52:00.003-05:00

Okay.. not really. I dont want to be a rockstar when I grow up. But it was fun trying to dress up like one for a party! Here's the result: home-dyed hair, skinny jeans [well, technically they werent denim, they were corduroy!], and big sunglasses!

Awake.

2010-05-04T05:57:00.002-05:00

It's 5:58am. And I'm fully awake. Not in the sense that I am up and getting ready - because I've seen 5:58am almost every day since Sept. 26th, 2009. But this morning, I feel awake in a different way. I feel like I was asleep to life, but I've been woken up. The band MikesChair lyrics are streaming through my head: "I'm alive and I'm awake."

What's funny is that nothing really changed in the past 24 hours. I havent necessarily tried to alter anything in my life, but I woke this morning and something seemed different. My mom was encouraging me this past weekend to really be intentional while I'm on the road without Howie to use the exercise facilities at the hotels. I havent set out to exercise for months. So last night, I went and did 10 minutes on the eliptical machine (that hurt.) and 10 minutes of the "leg buster" course on the treadmill (thought that might permanently destroy my shins too.) When I finished exercising, I knew if I didnt go to the store to get food for the week, I'd eat crap like I have been. So I forced myself to run to Kroger, trying to have a plan in mind of what to get. I was pretty proud of my purchases! Healthy yogurt, granola & fruit for breakfast, healthy choice/lean cuisines for lunch, and slim buns & deli sandwhich stuff for dinners, with Boulder's plain gluten free chips on the side. I walked past ice cream, donuts, more donuts, doritos, donuts, and lots of candy on sale. It was almost humorous because I the last time I walked by the donuts, I thought, "Huh. That's right. There are other foods out there! I dont need to buy donuts!" So I went back to the hotel, ate a small meal, watched some TV and went to sleep.

And this morning, I woke up, alive and awake. I thought I'd just been lazy with the exercising and eating, but this morning I realized that it ran a bit deeper than that. These habits had built roots inside me, ramping up recently as the depression got so bad. In the same way that I've seen God free me from the depression, this morning I feel that same way - like I've been set free, awaken from these decisions I'd been making.

It's a crazy feeling to find freedom from things you didnt know were holding you down. I didnt know I'd drifted into that place, but this morning. 5:58am. I'm alive and I'm awake. Sing with me, How Great is our God.

What Should I Be When I Grow Up?

2010-04-02T18:06:00.002-05:00

Someone told my mom today that I should go to http://www.mymajors.com and take their little "quiz" thing that tells you what you should major in during college. Curious to see what it would say, I hopped right on this little assignment and thought the results were very curious. Here are the 5 majors it suggested followed by a list of possible jobs someone with that major could pursue.

1) BIOLOGY / Animal Biologist, Inspector, Biomedical Technician, Research Associate, Botanist, Scientific Lab Director, Cell Biologist, Veterinary Surgeon, Developmental Biologist, Vision Scientist, Environmental Consultant, Zoologist
2) ANIMAL SCIENCE / Agribusiness, Horse Trainer, Animal Feed Industry, Farm and Animal Publications, Beef Cattle Ranching, Livestock Production, Breeding Farm, Meat Processing, Food Company
3) CHEMISTRY / Basic Research, Instrumentation, Drug Manufacturing, Petroleum Researcher, Environmental Protection, Science Journalist, Food Researcher, Teaching, Textiles Researcher, Forensic Chemistry
4) GEOLOGY / Professor of Geology, Data Manager, Coal Section Head, Project Ecologist, Geotechnical Engineer, Processing Geophysicist, Development Geologist, Petrophysicist
5) NUTRITION / Food Services Coordinator, Dietitian, Clinical Dietician, Nutrition Writer/Reporter, Institutional Food Services and Food Sales, Nutrition Educator, Catering Coordinator, Medical Food Service Director, Nutrition Coordinator, Dietary Supervisor

Pretty interesting, huh? Oh. It also suggested I check out the University of North Dakota Aviation School. So I started college as an Undeclared Engineering major, switched and got a degree in Accounting. Didnt want to do that so got another degree in Music Business. Worked at a record label, and now work for the FDIC. I feel like these results are in a totally different world than the one I've journeyed into. What happened?!!

His Banner Over Me is Love

2010-03-31T22:49:00.002-05:00

Wow. Today was a pretty great day. Wasn't as productive as I'd have liked to be at work, took Howie on lots of walks trying to make up for the many other hours in the kennel, but had a great God-moment this afternoon. Not many people know that I started therapy 6 months ago or that I started going to a psychiatrist 3 months ago. My therapist has told me she thought we'd be meeting weekly for a solid year, if not longer. I was in a seriously frustrated state - quite hopeless in a sense.
Today was a good day because it was my first visit to the therapist in almost 2 months. In the past 6 months, I've seen God turn my life around in ways I literally never thought possible. And today we decided that I probably don't need to go back to therapy!! I say this not out of "thank goodness I dont have to do that anymore". I say this because God is Good and has done great things in me and in my life. Today I just smiled, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my life has been changed. I felt like I needed a flag to wave - like when someone waves the white flag of surrender, except mine would be a flag of victory. In my mind, it was cheering and celebrating, and as I drove tonight to a meeting and thought about wanting a flag to wave, God reminded me of the verse that says "His banner over me is Love." (that's Song of Solomon 2:4 - and no, I dont fully understand the book, but still!) - it just made me smile - as I reflect on all God's done in my life, His banner over me is Love. So if I'm looking for a flag to wave to shout VICTORY! to the world, I think extending God's love to others will do exactly that! What a joyful thought to me!

Love Much

2010-02-07T23:20:00.002-06:00

well, it's entirely way past my bedtime considering the full day and tomorrow's early morning, but it was a great day, following a great week and i wanted to take a minute to remember - return, in a sense, to say thanks for what's been given me.
I simply cannot say thanks enough for the people around me and how grateful I am to know them, to have them in my life loving much on someone so in need of love, and in turn wanting to love much in return. For the past month, everyday bears a similar image in my mind - one of someone that's been deep below the water's surface finally breaking through and breathing, where every breath feels life-saving. Its a feeling of coming alive, and I'm daily amazed for this feeling. I'm starting to re-learn so many things I didnt realize I'd forgotten/stopped doing/un-learned - how to love, how to care for those around me, the yearn to pray because I do care. It's been many years since I've rejoiced at the end of each day - for so many days in a row. Its been years since I havent felt the stir-crazy undertones of discontent, feeling like life can and probably will pick me up and move me. And maybe its just today, maybe it's just this moment, but for once I feel like I'm not searching. I live in a place I love. I keep meeting more and more people that I love getting to meet! And I keep getting opportunities to really get to know these people - it truly feels like a cup overflowing. And for someone whose coworker used to make me signs saying "the cup's half full" because I wouldve sworn it was half empty, an overflowing cup is a testament to grace.

What's amazing is that right now I look at my life and see an abundance of things I didnt think were possible - things I've spent years searching for, things I spent years not finding. I know I'm still on the journey; I'm really eager to see where God is taking me and what is to come.

a hard question to ask

2010-02-02T06:39:00.002-06:00

I just had a thought this morning that I wanted to write down so I wouldnt forget it... A friend of a friend recently adopted a little baby boy, but has just found out that the grandmother has come forward saying she wants the boy. One thing I prayed for was that God would ultimately place the boy wherever he needed to be so that he would one day come to know and love the Lord. This prayer led to me grappling with some ideas. First - that Christ died for the sins of all people, not just some. Not everyone chooses to believe in Christ and live in light of that belief, and I think God knows the hearts of everyone - He knows who will come to believe in Him. And I believe that God does not force people to believe. But even knowing that not everyone would come to believe, Christ still died for All, not some. I think it's in 1 Timothy that Paul encourages Timothy to preach the gospel that Some would come to believe. Paul didnt encourage Timothy with the idea that all would come to believe, just some. There's something about this that just sticks in my mind - Christ paid for all sins to be forgiven so that all could find forgiveness in Him even though He knows full well that many will never accept this forgiveness. I'm in awe of something like that...was there a way for Christ to die a lesser death to only take the penalty of the sins committed by those who would one day choose to believe in Him? With God, all things are possible, but I could never see God acting that way.
The question that I dont want to ask, though, is why God allows people to be born on this earth if He knows every choice they'll ever make, including whether or not they'll one day come to believe in Him? To allow someone to come onto this earth knowing that person will never accept Christ's forgiveness for the debt they owe... most Christians believe that if you dont believe in what Christ did, when you die you go to hell. But to me, when I think in that order, its like saying God allows people to be born knowing that their eternity is in hell and not with Him.
I'm not saying what I believe here... I've never thought about these questions, so I wanted to write them down so I could think about them in the future! Feel free to share your thoughts

Confronting Me

2009-11-03T07:51:00.004-06:00

I can't believe it's November 3rd already. It just seems crazy! It also seems crazy that Little Rock just seemed to enter the prime of Fall - great weather in the mid-60s each day, lots of rain means the leaves on the trees actually are changing beautifully rather than just dying off. Life's been...interesting lately. On a light note, if you dont already know, I have a little man in my life named Howie and you can see him here: howierau.blogspot.com.
On a less-light note, I'm fighting some "melissa-isms" that are really doing a disservice to my life and its a lot harder than I would've thought. "Work out your salvation" is taking on a whole new meaning. Yesterday was particularly challenging as the "melissa-ism" I faced was expectations. Most people know that I hold myself to unbelievably high expectations... (okay. i should clarify. to me, they may be high, but they're realistic. but not everyone thinks they're realistic) I dont know where it came from, I feel like for as long back as I can remember, I've just been this way. So trying to deal with that, break free of that - there's just so much to it that I didnt realize. For example, the big break point from the very beginning was asking the questions, "Do I really believe it is possible for this to be different? Do I believe that there will come a day [in this life] that I can be free of this burden?" And wowzers, when I am honest, that is a loaded question. Here I sit, nearly 28 years old and I've been this way (i think) for most of that time. So my past tells me that no, this is not possible. [as a sidenote, I feel like there are all these other questions I need to consider: whether these expectations are really what I want in life? why are the expectations unhealthy? do I want this to change? and if I do, do I believe it's possible to change?) That's a blow to the gut, knocks the wind out of me. To not believe this can change is a hopeless place to be, knocked down and defeated. Quite amazingly, God stepped in here and reminded me of two things:
1) with God, all things are possible
2) in Christ, I am a new creation, the old is gone
When I thought about this, all I could think was that truly believing these things, it requires an massive amount of faith. To actually believe that with God, I can become free of these expectations; to actually believe that because of what Christ did in light of who He is, that i really truly am New - the expectations are the old, and the old is gone. I'm extremely hesitant, still looking this in the face going, i just dont know... because to believe these things in a way that I live in light of them is overwhelming. Scary even. It's 100% faith, 0% me trying to stop being the old.

God is at work on me. It's a scary place to be. I never thought identifying myself with Christ would be like this.

Church Pride

2009-09-08T20:58:00.003-05:00

Here's another thought that's been swimming around in my head. I've noticed this in the past, but never fully understood it or thought it through... of course, I haven't fully thought it through this time either, but I decided to go ahead and set this thought free [as if my blog were a pensive ;-)]

So here it is:
I've noticed that I am a more prideful person while I'm at church, or any church-related activity. It's always bothered me... frustrated me... because it's really not fun to see yourself as prideful! Not to mention, to see it [it's so obviously written in the many thoughts that dont get spoken outloud, and sadly also in the ones that slip through] and recognize it and it just keeps on! All I can figure out so far is that in a church setting, I know what is looked highly upon, what is considered praise-worthy. I've seen that, lived that, for many years. Outside of the church setting, such things are not emphasized. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesnt follow Christ that cares how many bible verses you've memorized, how often you pray, how many times you've read through the bible [not that I've memorized a lot of scripture... and i rarely pray now-a-days, and i've never read through the whole bible]... but most church-goers would pat you on the back for these... most non-church-goers probably couldnt care less.

Outside of the church, valuing different things than those around me, thinking about things differently, its just the way things are it seems, and its well and good. Pride doesnt stand out to me there. I guess maybe someone looking from the outside might disagree [hopefully not!] becuase I dont mean to act arrogant or prideful.

But church.. Church is different. It's so easy to play into what others would [seemingly] approve of. And since there are roots in some of these things of what I really do wish I was - for example, I wish I prayed more for those around me, because I actually have seen the results of prayers. But what I've noticed is that in a church setting... I cant help but see certain actions, certain language that I use because I think it will bring the approval of others, even if its not really true. Many months back, I caught myself a few times - in conversation with someone, I'd suddenly stop and say 'I dont know why I just said that... that's not what I think... but I knew it's what you wanted to hear... sorry'. [insert awkward silence into conversation there!]

anyway.. that's about all the thoughts I've put together on this. its such a baffling and odd thing to me. I don't like it, but I can't yet seem to fix it [as I said... it penetrates nearly every thought I have in such situations. No wonder I want to leave & not go to church! I dont like the person I'm tempted to be!] It just makes me think... yesterday I was reading Isaiah 2 [never read Isaiah before... hoping this time I actually make it all the way through!] and this study I had asked the question what encouragement does this chapter bring. It was hard for me to see any encouragement at first. The chapter starts with talking of a day when we'll go to the house of God and He will teach us His ways and we will walk in His paths. That sounds good... but it didnt really seem encouraging to me. The rest of the chapter seemed to be talking of coming judgment - it mentions 3 times "the terror of the Lord and the glory of His majesty" [a phrase confusing all on its own... how do the terror of the Lord and the glory of His majesty fit together??? but that's a whole other thing]. Ultimately, what I came to decide was that it is encouraging to me to know that I will not always live in a world tainted by pride and the need for the approval of others. It is encouraging that one day I will get to live in world colored with the righteousness of God.

never saw this one coming!

2009-08-30T20:42:00.004-05:00

its been a long time since i've thought about this blog, but in the past week i've had so many various thoughts about things I wanted to blog about. and while hopefully i'll go back to those things, today i wanted to share a small part of this morning. in the past week, I've had more opportunities to share uganda photos & stories with more of my coworkers and so its been stirring in my mind again. while i havent felt much of a desire to go to church on sunday mornings (not to mention not having the opportunity in the past month), today i was remembering church at Greater Life with Patricia and Jelis. And I was thinking of how God got me through this past week when I thought there was no way I was going to make it. So I decided I'd go to church this morning, remembering my sweet girls and wanting to say thanks to God.

the church i went to, from what i could tell, has just been going through a time of challenging each other to give beyond their ability - to raise the tithe pool, if you will. this morning the emphasis was all about giving from the heart - basically saying dont just give more because you feel like you're supposed to. at the end, they had a time for everyone to pray and make commitments to raise their monthly giving, or give a special one time gift, etc. and it felt like it was the natural end the service was coming to (this certainly isnt the first church to do this sort of thing). but then they did something that definitely was a first for me. the pastor came back up and said we're not quite through yet -- we're putting 4 more baskets in front of the stage [and i'm thinking.. okay, this puts it over the edge of i feel like they just keep asking for more and more money!]. I couldnt have been more off! the pastor says - in these baskets, there's roughly $5,000 in cash... we know the church in Acts is described as always meeting the peoples needs, whatever they were. so, this money is here for you... if you came here today concerned saying 'i dont know how i'm going to pay for gas this week... or groceries...' etc, this is God meeting your need. and so we sang, and some people added money to these baskets, while others took what they needed.

it was truly bizarre! but at the same time, it was hysterically, wonderfully great!
the pastor made the comment 'i know many of you may think this is weird. but we already knew we were weird! please dont let your pride or hesitation get in the way - if you came this morning with a need, this IS your answer! and if no one comes up here and takes this money, i'm gonna start calling people out because i KNOW some of you need it!' and so they did. and it was so incredible.

the beauty of it also was that it was just so stinkin genuine & real... and for the first time in like 2 years, i actually WANT to go back to church next week. because if that's what this church is, where they just put out cash in front b/c they know people just need it, how can you not want to be a part of that?

i'm obsessed with twilight. i admit it.

2009-07-09T22:12:00.003-05:00

well, the twilight fan cruise is sold out. and i didnt win the drawing for the audio book set of twilight books. and i've yet to find my edward. i could go without the whole vampire side, just someone fantastic falling in love with someone ordinary. i'd settle for that.

so i guess in the meantime, my twilight obsession will be limited to rereading the books & looking forward to the next movie release.

i've got 6 more days of work before i go to Uganda. it doesnt even seem real. not at all. but it will be real soon enough.

well, bella's about to meet edward's family. gotta go :)

HELP?! It's not what you think.

2009-06-17T21:59:00.003-05:00

As I was reading this morning, I came across this very interesting comment:

..........for the word "help" is inapplicable
where we ourselves do nothing...............

After reading it a few times over, I was caught up in the idea, because I realized this is something I've never thought of before. For me, it came to be about questioning what am I actually asking for when I ask for help? It didnt take me long to discover that probably a good 70% of the time, when I ask for help, or pray for help, I'm really asking if someone else will do something for me, not with me. For example - my trip to Uganda - I am asking people to help send me on this trip. This is accurate because I am paying for some of the trip and am asking others to make financial donations. It would be relatively inaccurate to ask people to help send me if I were relying solely on the donations of others - more accurate would be simply asking people to send me, not to help send me.

This most certainly could fall into that category of things that most people dont care about. That category of 'if you're gonna get picky about it, okay fine, sure, that's true... but it doesnt really matter.' And I suppose if it doesnt matter to you, no problem. But I seem to spend a lot of time mulling over the things of this category. And today HELP has been my subject of choice. Because I guess, along the line of prayers - if I keep asking God to help me _______ (fill in the blank) and am angry because He's not helping. He must not be listening. He must not care.
OR.
I dont think He's answering because what I really was asking was for Him to miraculously make something happen. [i.e. "God, help me be patient with my coworkers." Which would mean, God I'm gonna try hard to be patient & if you could help me in this process that would be amazing. Probably more successful if we worked together on this one. Unfortunately, when praying that prayer, I had no intention of trying to be patient. I was actually asking for God to somehow make me unable to be anything but patient with people. Do you see the difference I'm trying to illustrate?]

I think this one has grabbed my attention ... for several reasons. For one - it makes me consider whether I'd ever ask God to do something like miraculously change something (probably not. if i'm being honest. and since God is fully aware of my thoughts anyway, might as well be honest!). So then secondly, it makes me consider what it I'm committing to when I ask for help. And I do go back and forth here... or maybe just try to further clarify.

Take today at work for example. After reading this before work, I prayed that God would help me work hard today because I knew I had stuff I actually needed to get done. And when I was asking God for help, I was making up my mind that YES. I will be intentional about honestly trying my best to work at work & not check my email, or daydream, or write this blog during work! But - I'm not saying I'm committing to work hard b/c what if God doesnt help, well then shoot I'd better work that much harder just in case. No no, that's not it at all. It's what that quote says - the word help is inapplicable when I do nothing.

Obviously I'm still thinking this through, these were just my first thoughts & it made me think so much that I wanted to share the concept with other people & see what other people thought about this. Sooo... what do you think?!

I've Been Waiting for You

2009-06-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

It always happens that I feel most thoughtful while I’m at work, when I should be doing other things! I’m laughing because I was just thinking, “Man, I wish I could be doing other things during these hours while my brain is most alert!” - and, of course, we’re at work during these hours for that exact reason - because we should be alert at work! Oh well, it makes me laugh at least. Anyway, I was just spending a few minutes of my lunch break reading the notes from the sweet sleep team in Moldova right now & one of the comments stood out. One of the people at the orphanage said ‘we’ve been waiting for you for a year’. Just a simple statement and yet, there is something so powerful there. Can you imagine if someone said that to you? Imagine someone who’s lost their job in this economy & finally finds employment. They go in their first day and upon greeting their new boss, this person meets them with a huge grin, a firm handshake and says ‘We’ve been waiting for YOU! We’re so glad YOU are here!’ Or imagine going off to college, where you were far away from home and didn’t know a soul and you walk into your tiny dorm room & meet your stranger of a roommate who, upon seeing you come in, jumps up, rushes to meet you with a hug and says, ‘YOU’RE HERE! I’ve been waiting for you!’ Of course, being the Twilight fan I am, my brain jumps to these examples too… When Jasper first encounters Alice and her response is ‘I thought you’d never get here!’ Or when Edward and Bella are in the meadow and he says ‘You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.’ Or, if I may be so bold, imagine if it were Christ. One minute you’re so afraid or in pain or whatever emotion you did or did not expect to feel when death is knocking at your door, and suddenly here you are, and the creator of the universe is there to meet you and says ‘I’ve been waiting for you, I’m so glad you’re here!’

Okay, so maybe that would freak you out [too much invasion into your personal space?! Too much imagination for wherever your theology has you?] but I mean, really, think about that! Maybe for some people, that all sounds prideful - to which I guess I’d say when I think about those examples and think if it were me they were talking to, the right reaction would be something along the lines of ‘no way - you’ve been waiting for me?!’ - an awed reaction, a humble reaction, a ‘no, come on now, its just little old me!’ That’s the reaction I’m thinking of, as opposed to a ‘Yeah, that’s right people - ME! You’re lucky I’m here! Gosh, I should’ve kept you waiting longer just so you’d realize how lucky you are now that I’M here!’ (yeah. THAT reaction creeps me out. Runs shivers down my spine.)

But yeah, all that said, I want to be genuinely feel that way about people and events. I want to see a friend I haven’t seen all day, or all week, or all whenever and when they come through the door, I want to drop what I’m doing, run & greet them because I really am glad they’re there! I want to give them a big hug, or smile, or pat on the back (whatever’s appropriate) such as to communicate this! Which brings me to the one other thing said in these blogs that jarred my memory. For the first year and a half while I lived in Nashville, once a week I would listen to Dave Hunt say, ‘You know I heard it said that a person needs at least 8 meaningful touches [insert: hugs, high fives, etc! not just shake hands with a stranger like you’re shaking hands with a robot!) a day to maintain overall well-being’ (or something along those lines). In the sweet sleep blogs, the person said ‘think about how many personal touches like this you receive each day’ - and how the orphans she’s meeting maybe get 8 of these a month, if they’re lucky.

You hear people say things like hugs are good for your soul. Or, when you give someone a hug and they say I needed that!! You know, I think it just might be true - not just a responsive comment, but a genuine we DO need that! I guess that’s to say - to any of you reading this that live near me & see me regularly (whatever that means!), perhaps more hugs are on the way the next time I see you (and hopefully many times to follow) because we probably both need it!

And when it comes to the countdown to the Uganda trip - I absolutely without a doubt cannot wait ‘til this becomes our story. When it’s our time at the orphanages to pour out all the love, all the care, all the compassion - everything that’s in us, everything God’s created us for that, until this moment, hasn’t even had the platform He’s been waiting for to fill in us, spill out of us -- at the same time as, what I might expect would be from the people we’ll meet, will stream into our lives & infiltrate our everything. Yes, I’ll dream about the more, the ideal, the anomaly because I really do believe we were created for more than everything we know and think and can imagine.

moments for courage

2009-05-17T21:56:00.002-05:00

so i went to church again today. that's 2 weeks in a row. it's really weird to go to church. my mom's been encouraging me to considering going to church again on a regular basis, and so, i'm trying to keep a very open mind & put myself out there again. i will say i got quite a kick out of something they did at the beginning of the service... i guess they regularly tell people to take a minute, say hello to the people sitting around you - you know, introduce yourself if you see someone you dont know [its always interesting during those times right now b/c i obviously dont know anyone... but very rarely do people actually come say hello]. anyway, so today, the guy says something like 'get ready, this is gonna be uncomfortable... we want you to go say hello to someone you dont know who is sitting.on.the.other.side.of.the.room!!! and then (gasp) sit next to them all morning' [aka for everyone who comes in, sits in the exact same seat every sunday, go meet someone else & see new faces!]. i personally got a kick out of this - thought it was great. seeing as how i've sat in a different place every week i've gone to this church, and seeing as how i basically didnt know anyone, i stayed where i was at & met Betty and her niece Shadow. it was neat, though, because suddenly you looked around & there was just a completely different buzz in the air, and there were no longer empty seats between everyone [you know. that 'personal space church bubble' where there's always gotta be an empty seat between you & those strange people down the isle...]. the pastor got on stage and proceeded to explain that this whole thing was his idea... that starting about 3 weeks into his college career, he made a habit out of watching people in his classes and after 2-3 weeks, he'd sit in their seat all of a sudden just to watch their reaction! and he did this for all 4 years at college.

wasnt college great? this illustration made me laugh. and this evening, i've been thinking back to college while I've been thinking about church. it stumps me still... i realized tonight that college was like the cherry on top of one's spiritual journey (well, if one is pursuing a spiritual journey during college). for me, it meant always surrounded by your greatest friends, always able to talk [a lot. all the time] and know pretty much everything that was happening in all your friends' lives. i didnt just have a few close friends in college. there were like a good 20 people that i loved dearly. we prayed together all the time, sang & laughed and laughed more! and we went to church together. sat together. the pastor loved us - he was so thrilled to have us as part of the church. he knew us, prayed for us, supported us. while of course life went on this whole time, everyone faced challenges of one sort or another (after all, this is college & everything that goes with it), but spiritually, we had it all. really, even more than that, it was an abundance. i dont know if other people had this experience, but i look back with some seriously fond memories.

and then i start looking not quite as far back... to the years following college. and i cant help but stop and go 'what in the heck just happened?!?!' moving to a new city & no longer carrying the 'college student' title, i became just another single person in the church. the pastor didnt know me, people didnt know me... perhaps they recognized my face after a while, but i felt like a loner. it was kinda like church before college. with no roots in a church, no family members who others who know me by, even after working in the nursery 2 and a half years, i was just another face in the crowd. it sucked. BIG time. i guess that's part of the reason i gave up on church.

so going back to church now... after my 'break' of 2 years, it's kind of a scary thing. and its weird going, having no connection to anyone and, with a job where i'm here 2 days, there 3 days, completely inconsistent, i can admit that i fear that even if i start going every sunday, even if i make as big an effort as is possible to always sit by new people, introduce myself, be annoyingly talkative to people who may not be interested in meeting new people, i fear that i'll once again just be another face in the crowd. but, like i said earlier: open mind. i'm trying to keep an open mind and just maybe be open to the thought that there's someone else there that God wants me to meet because that person desperately needs a friend or someone to talk to and there's something about me that He knows would be perfectly suited for the situation. it would take some serious amounts of courage, i know that. i guess we'll see...

this morning, before church, i was listening to a pastor who i enjoy (francis chan... pastor at Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA... i've mentioned him before). anyway, he gave a great illustration. made me laugh, of course. was talking about how the world's strongest man goes to his church (yes, meaning the one off those 'World's Strongest Man' competition you see on tv at 2am). he said the guy could bench-press 1100 pounds. can you even imagine?! i cant even fathom... and the guy is married. his wife - yeah, she can press 400 pounds!! a girl! that can benchpress 400 pounds. ha. yeah, pick your chin up off the ground. they've got kids.
and you could guess what he's about to say, right? but he says just imagine if their kids were these scrawny little runts of the group and how odd that would look compared to their parents! (of course, not to say there'd be anything wrong with that! just making a point of course!) the moral of the story was that it should look strange for people who believe in Jesus (who the Bible calls children of God) to be timid & afraid & unbelieving, compared to God the Father, who is all-powerful, fully loving, perfect at everything, and through the Holy Spirit, living INSIDE those who believe. and so, be courageous!

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

Hello Pacific Northwest!

2009-05-05T21:06:00.002-05:00

So, this past weekend, I used the free ticket I'd earned with Southwest to go on a very random adventure! For years, I've wanted to see the Pacific Northwest, but I've never had a good reason to go or money to go! Thanks to nearly 2 years with the FDIC, my free ticket replaced a ticket that would've otherwise cost me $500! and hotel points allowed me to stay at a nice hotel, so all I had to pay for was a rental car, gas, and food! On the flight from Seattle to Vegas, I decided to write out my thoughts from my weekend... to post here, of course!

I flew out of Little Rock at 1:10pm Friday afternoon, changing planes in Vegas and landing in a sunny Seattle at 7:00pm - pacific time! I picked up my rental car (of course it was a dodge calibur... i'm SO not a fan!) and tried to find my way to my hotel in Tacoma. With, to me, a ton of traffic, I was confident i'd made the right decision NOT to go into Seattle... with such a limited amount of time, I knew it wouldnt be worth it (i dont like big cities much anyway!) I finally did find my hotel, got to my room, planned out the next day & crashed!

Saturday morning I was up at 5:15am and on the road an hour later. Glad to turn off Hwy 5 and get away from most of the other cars, all I knew was head west to Aberdeen & Hoquiam then turn onto the 101. That was my guide for the day... stop wherever I wanted, dont forget to keep gas in the car, and make it back to my hotel in Tacoma at the end of the day. And so, here we go!

LOVED the little town of Aberdeen (or maybe it was Hoquiam.. they kinda blended together). I'd love to know the history there. it actually looked a bit run down in areas, but the houses - LOVED the houses! very colorful and quaint.

LOVED getting to see the pacific ocean!! wish I couldve spent the whole day walking the beaches. Not a lot of sand, but lots of rocks and pebbles. Would love to go to the beaches again with a friend who equally wanted to explore! (I didnt see any tidepools all day! i was sad! of course, i didnt know where to look or what to look for!)

Forks, WA / La Push / Twilight. Okay... so you may not believe me but the purpose of my trip was not because of Twilight! My Fodor guide book told me there was a place to eat in the Timber museum in Forks, so I stopped looking for lunch. Sadly, the guide book was wrong. I found a Subway & took it along in the car. While my purpose there wasnt Twilight, PLENTY of other people were there for that reason! This, of course, made me want to get the heck out of dodge even faster! So i hopped back on the road, turning on 110 to check out La Push and Rialto Beach. Forks wasnt what I'd pictured from the book. Neither was La Push. Twilight was everywhere. I saw the Forks High School sign a street over and didnt stop! Finding First Beach/La Push was complicated. going out & back on 110 was painfully slow, and it ate a world of time. My frustration was rectified a bit sunday at the airport. I saw a book in the Borders at the airport that was a Twilight movie behind the scenes. And, ah-ha - much of what you see in the movie as "Forks" isnt really Forks! I read no further - that made it all better. I didnt want the places in the books to be real - its better that the movie is shot in all these difference places & then the Twilight Forks is created. That's much more fitting! Whew!

But so by the time I got on the road to Port Angeles, it was already past 3pm. CRAP! Time now was really limited. I opted not to try to see the furthest point northwest (Neah Bay?) because it wouldve been another follow a road out and back thing. I didnt get to see any waterfalls. Merrymar (sp?) I wish I could've seen. Oh - I did go to Hoh Rain Forest and do a quick walk on the Hall of Mosses trail. I didnt stay here long (it was also an hour detour getting there and back).

So driving to Port Angeles - Lake Crescent was beautiful! Surrounded by mountains and the road followed right along the edge. It took a while though - the speed limit was 35 a good portion of the way. Finally Port Angeles welcomed me. And it turned out to be another seriously cute town!! I liked the size - it felt small but friendly. I saw a store called "Dazzled by Twilight" which made me laugh. I should've stopped and bought something cheesy. Maybe they have a website (i just looked.. didnt see one).

Finally, I saw the sign for Hurricane Ridge and headed that direction for my final "outing" of the trip. I paid my $15, which I'd conveniently not paid earlier in the day. I was excited when I headed up (now 5pm) because there were blue skies and just a small bit of drizzly rain. The drive up (18 miles) was curvy - serious drop offs along the way! but beautiful. Quickly, I could see the high mountain tops still covered in snow! I had no idea where the end of the road would be.. just kept driving. Suddenly, I was driving among the snow covered mountain tops - Holy Cow! SNOW!!!! I got to the top and went crazy! God was giving me a special treat. I couldnt believe there was snow (and I'm talking real snow like we'll NEVER see in arkansas!!) At the end of the road, there was no one else in the parking lot. If they had cameras on the parking lot, I bet I looked really funny! Funniest was that there was no view whatsoever! The fog was so think you couldnt see 20 feeet down/up the mountains! But everything was covered in snow. It was the best winter I've never had! I dont even remember if it was cold outside because I was so excited! I couldve gone snow-shoeing! I snapped a few photos - I tried to jump into them, that didnt really work! I laugh because I didnt touch the snow! It just looked too perfectly undisburbed! I didnt stay long - it was 6 or so by now and I was hungry! Of course the visitors centers werent open, so no souviners to buy.

And so I went back down the ridge and stopped by taco bell for a quick dinner (7pm!)Realizing it was over 2 hours back to the hotel (oops), decided to head that way with no stops. Sad and long. Still lots of rain and much more traffic by this time. It was nice that the sun didnt set until 9pm. So most of the way to Olympia I could still see the Sound next to me and the park at places on the other side. When I finally got to Olympia,I realized Tacoma was 28 miles away, not 8 (ouch!). I got to my hotel just before 10. I was SOO tired! 15 hours in the rental car was so long that it my shoulder actually felt dislocated! so much odd pain! I stayed up just long enough to realize my pictures didnt do justice to what I'd seen (maybe they'll look better on the computer) and then sleep came quickly!

One observation I made - so, now I know that logging is a big deal in the olympic peninsula, but i hated the drives past the huge areas where all the trees were "harvested". It looked like nature's war zone. THese areas always started as soon as you left the national park area. thank goodness the park preserves so much.

So there you have it. My very short and random trip to the Pacific Northwest. Parts of the day felt very lonely. I'd wished I had a connection to the area, particularly the native indians. I wouldve loved a glimpse into their history and daily lives. Theres something so beautiful to me about native indians... dont know what it is! i think part of me wishes their lives were different - reflecting a different ... way of living I suppose. Saturday, I'd said I didnt think i'd ever want to return to this area. After writing all this down, though, I guess I feel a bit differently. I feel thankful for the opportunity, even though my eyelids are feeling heavy again. I have a 4 hour layover in Vegas and will get back to Little Rock by 10:30. Tomorrow morning takes me right back to where I was. A job that I'm not passionate about, a life where I question purpose and long for something different. I hope that Uganda motivates my nights. And I hope I'll work hard at my job regardless - because that's the type of person I want to be.

Into The Wild

2009-02-01T00:06:00.003-06:00

i found this piece of paper the other day.. its been tucked away in my bible, not sure for how long because it doesnt have a date on it.

"Today is one of those days it feels difficult to live. I feel the weight of work being irrelevant. I lack motivation to spend time learning for no greater purpose. But I often feel this way about most things in life. I feel trapped by my material belongings. Again and again I remember that phrase 'how hard is it for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God'. I laugh at myself. Sometimes I really do want to 'sell all my belongings and follow Him' but is that even realistic? I want to live on a farm, grown my needed food and read my Bible the rest of the time. What is the purpose of this work? What good does it do to pursue a career? What worth is found in self-improvement? And still, over and over I cant help but feeling a loneliness in wondering does no one else ask these questions? Do we just fill our lives with activities because we dont know the answers? The thought of living the next sixty years asking these questions is to me a daunting task. What fear I must have stored up within me..."

Tonight I watched the movie "Into The Wild" and it was nothing like I expected. The whole thing was terribly sad to me - unbelievably depressing. In all those thoughts above, i know my 'farm plan' isnt the answer, nor is that truly what i desire to do. I still feel conviction behind these thoughts though. Perhaps that's why watching this movie felt so painful, because in a sense I understood some of the feelings he had.. but not all of them. i felt so bad for the people who came to care for him and wept when he left, knowing he wasnt coming back, and i fear that the questions i ask and decisions i make have that same effect. it leaves me torn and so sad...

the question: what do i want in life and why do i want it?

2009-01-30T17:34:00.004-06:00

this is more for me & my attempt to remember what i wanted to blog about later!

i realized earlier when i wanted to ask someone else this question that i'd actually never thought through it enough myself. the question was: have you ever stopped to think about why you want (or dont want) what you do (dont) in life? for example, i've rarely been one to long for the "american dream" - house, marriage, kids (i might have blogged about that before?) and i know i've thought about it some - as to why that hasnt really been my dream, but it could certainly use some more pondering. and along with this, if these ARENT the things i want, what are? and why? are there things i think i want that really are some sort of pipe dream? things that seem so "nice" (and i'll leave "nice" up for interpretation b/c that obviously means VERY different things to different people) but really could never be possible?

anyway, i'm hoping to spend some time thinking through that this weekend. i just got the movie Into The Wild in my netflix envelop today - i have a feeling that might help get me thinking (from what i've heard - i havent seen it, so dont give it away!!) perhaps these thoughts will make you think too. that's always a good thing.

God is leading me?

2009-01-27T20:13:00.004-06:00

wow, well. it's been a while i suppose. last time i was here, barack obama had just been named the President Elect, and as of today, he's been our President for a week. its amazing how much can seem to happen in such a relatively short amount of time.
i feel like today i've been doing a lot of reflecting, contemplating life as i'm so apt to say. and of course then i went and watched a movie rather than writing while things were fresh in my mind. perhaps i can recall much of what i was thinking through.

the first thought was birthed from a conversation i had last week with one of my bestest of friends. i had basically just spilled my guts to her about trying to figure out this relationship i'm in - trying to explain my various thought processes [which is like chasing the wind]. ultimately, i said it was as if i didnt know what voice to listen to in my head. and what my dear friend told me was that this is the point where i need to ask God what is truth of all the thoughts in my head, and which are not truth. and that i needed to remember [and trust] that God is leading me. and this is where i've been sitting the past week, contemplating this thought of God leading me. not that i've figured a lot out in the past week, but still! i realized that i needed to confront the question of: do I really believe God is leading me? it would seem that the way i approach my days would reveal whether i truly believe that or not. and well, frankly, "not" seems more accurate. the thought of God leading me feels...large. i mean, i dont know if other people really believe that God is leading them through their lives - on a day to day basis. and as i tried to figure this out, well, i havent figured it out yet, but i did discover one thing about what i've been believing.
remember those books-you might have read them in elementary school-the "choose your own adventure" books, where you read a bit then get to a point where you have to choose-if you'd go down into the dark, mysterious cave, go to page 43; if you'd follow the upper trail and try to find your way around above ground, go to page 87. remember those? yeah, so i think that's kind of how i walk through life. i go on my merry (or not so merry) way and when i get to one of those points, I pray that God would tell/show me if i'm supposed to go through door A or door B, and then, assuming i actually wait for what seems to be an answer, i go through said door, continue on my merry (or not so merry) way until I reach another point like that, and ask God again which way to go. And while I wouldnt say I forget about God in between, the past week i've simply been asking the question, "but what if there's more?" or, "what if it could be different? like, better different?" can I be humble enough to consider that I wouldnt have it figured out yet? to admit that? can I be humble enough to consider that God is bigger than just saying "choose door A" or "choose door B"? which would in turn mean also asking the question: can I be humble enough to consider the subject of control? because in case you havent noticed - two people on a journey both cant lead. [admit it-even if you were walking arm in arm w/ another person after "agreeing" to "lead the way together", you're actually either thinking in your head "well yeah but actually i'm leading and you're just walking with me" or you're thinking "yeah, i'm really just here for the status but i'm depending on you to actually direct us". that's like saying a car could have 2 steering wheels & it would function well!].
anyway, i obviously havent gotten far in this thought process, but its been good to start questioning, contemplating, considering big things like this.

and now i'm so very tired! the second of my lifes ponderings well i suppose need to be saved for another time!

The Start of a New Day.

2008-11-04T23:40:00.003-06:00

well, no matter where you stand, you can't disagree that tomorrow will be the start of a new day.
you may not think it's a good day, or you may see it as a great one, but either way it is the start of a new day. it has been interesting over the past week to hear bits and pieces of why different people voted the way they did - it was certainly a beautiful picture of the democratic process and how privileged we are to have the right to vote for our leaders.
today at work proved to be one of the slowest ever - I'm pretty sure that's because after work I was going to vote and it couldnt come soon enough. and then the evening went by so quickly that I completely missed the process of states reporting in and the count toward the president elect. before I knew it, I was being told that Obama was our man & McCain was giving his concession speech. I missed that, but over the next day or two I indeed to read all the articles, hopefully get some sort of review of how things went down tonight. I know Arkansas ended up going to McCain by a rather large percent (I think he had 57% from what I last saw), and Missouri technically hasnt gone one way or another.
I feel like I need time to take in this historic moment.
I feel so much anticipation for what is to come.
I am very eager to see what action comes within the next four years, and how our world changes (whether it be for the better or the worse) with President Obama.
Unlike any time previously, I feel an urgency to pray for the Obama family's safety, for wisdom and discernment to be given to our President, and for us, as citizens, to move once more toward unity. I pray that those issues we feel so passionately about, that we might find a way to continue fighting for them on a personal level. I pray, as the President Elect stated, that we would step up and claim responsibility individually and as a nation.
At work today, in anticipation of what the evening brought, I looked once more at a quote I posted up in my cube so many months ago that says,
Hope is the bedrock of this nation; the belief that our destiny will not be written for us, but by us; by all those men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is; who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.
I most certainly feel a swell of hope within me. Surely more thoughts to come at the Start of a New Day.

more thoughts on church

2008-09-28T17:45:00.002-05:00

thanks to the ridiculous sun during soccer, i'm feeling a bit nauseous [and yes, i know, 85 in september is nothing compared to the summer. frankly, i could care less.] and so i figured i would take a minute to write down some thoughts and hopefully let that feeling pass.
recently i've come across two good things: sermon series by 2 of my favorite teaching pastors on the purpose of the Church. one is Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, CA and the other is Fellowship Evangelical Free church in Knoxville, TN. i've really felt lost in life lately, its like i've not know what is important, or i havent been finding importance in my day to day life. and the verse in Romans 7:19 - For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. - i feel that way a lot. anyway, last night i somewhat listened to the first sermon from the knoxville church and i basically came to two concusions:

for one, the guy was preaching from 1 timothy but was also using verses from a lot of other writings of paul as well. what struck me was that all the verses he mentioned were familiar sounding, but he pointed out that [i think] most of paul's writings are to the Church about what it means to be the Church. And oddly enough, I'm not sure if I've ever studied Paul's writings as a whole as it pertains to the Church.

secondly, a lot of the stuff he said honestly took me by surprise. it confirmed the feeling i've felt for the past year - that i dont really understand what God intended the Church to be or do. it also made me stop and think that what for the past year i've been thinking I want from a church many not be at all what the Bible says the church should be. and if that's the case, well that changes everything. because if that's the case, it's my heart that needs to change, not the Church. which is not to say that my frustrations dont hold any worth. but some good friends have taught me that when it comes to this walk of faith, you cling to what you know but you always remember that you dont know it all. and if at any point God's Word reveals something different, but correct, compared to what you've been clinging to, you've gotta be willing to let go of whatever it is and now cling to that truth which God has revealed.

while not entirely motivating, this is encouraging. i think simply in the fact that for the past year, its like i've doubted that the Bible has the answers to the questions I cannot even formulate. and last night i started to think that there really truly may be answers.

spontaneous

2008-09-23T19:04:00.003-05:00

so, i'm pretty excited. today i spontaneously decided to take a vacation next week. i dont know that everyone would consider it a vacation, but i think it'll be a good dose of exactly what [i think] i need. i'm flying off to milwaukee to spend 3 and a half days with some good friends. who knows if it's really the best idea [i mean, i dont know what type of impression it gives at work], but let's face it, probably 3 out of 5 days of the workweek i'm not loving being there anyway. and maybe it'd be a good idea to save up my vacation days, but honestly, well, it's too late now anyway because i already bought my plane ticket. and i'm SO looking forward to packing up just a small suitcase of clothes and my bible and hopping on the plane. plus, i'll be back in time sunday to play soccer and go see charlie hall that evening.

why i stopped going to church.

2008-09-17T20:27:00.004-05:00

in no particular order...

gossip - its become such a 'normal' form of conversation even among christians
'serving' being a core value but all the serving being done w/in the church walls
not forming genuine relationships w/ people [probably due to not living out life with those people but rather just being in the same place at the same time]
formulaic sermons [i.e. '5 steps to be a good prayer'; '10 ways to improve your influence'...why the need to make every sermon fit into this format?]
lack of actual bible study/too many 'personal examples' and man's interpretations/take on the subject - during the service, at community groups, at young adult meetings, everywhere
to give God His rightful place in my life - to turn to Him when I'm struggling; to spend any time in His word; to stop sinning, going to church and just forgetting about what happened-as opposed to confessing directly to God & experiencing true forgiveness. i decided this one needs a little more explanation. nowadays, when i find myself missing church, its easy to realize that what i really miss is spending time in His word. when i went to church, that really would be like my pill for the week. very, very rarely did i look back at or even think about what was spoken of or read that sunday
the attempts to grow the 'church' [not the Church] - bigger buildings, more activities, life consumption through what the 'church' has going on - not sure, but perhaps might be one of the most deceiving things i think..
right now i'm glued to God's Word - I just want to read it, write it out, read it aloud. i dont know where that and church come together.
i've talked to people about Jesus more since I stopped going to church.

okay...that's about all that's coming to might right now. there may perhaps be a follow-up.

here's to today.

2008-09-12T22:18:00.002-05:00

here's to another day wasted
here's to another dollar spent
here's to another missed opportunity
here's to me.

i've been remembering the days without television. those were good days. days when i stopped being afraid of the quiet. days when reading didnt put me to sleep. i've noticed i'm wasting a lot of time lately. i'm on my computer too much, serving no purpose, playing games, checking my email for no apparent reason. which reminds me, there was a day, too, without internet at home. i remember that apartment well. it certainly was not anything fancy. the living room had a couch & 2 chairs. they were all blue, and the tables were from the 70s. i remember when people walked in and commented on how much they loved how the room was setup - they couldnt figure out why they'd never arranged a room like mine before. then they realized that the room is always centered around the tv. and now my room, too, is centered around the tv. as am i.

yesterday i wanted to run away. just for a night. drive a few hours and spend an evening at a mountain lodge just to get away. i didnt do it. i kind of regret it.
but tomorrow is a new day. a new chance to use my time differently, to stop the trend of apathy. i'm not sure where i can go, but i think i've gotta go. to spend some time just thinking through life, thinking about its meaning and purpose, thinking about how to be wise with my finances, thinking about God. i've still got a list of things i've been meaning to do:
read ecclesiastes
write bihuko
call allison
track my spending
write out why i stopped going to church
i dont want to miss the time i have this weekend because i'm already not looking forward to work on monday.

my soul leaps with joy!

2008-08-17T22:48:00.002-05:00

it has been a fantastically great weekend here in little rock. busy as all get out (sorry i didnt call you back allison!) friday night i got to spend some quality time with my roommates (and cara!) eating really good food and watching Vantage Point. We also got to meet one of our neighbors - although not under the most normal of circumstances. saturday morning i woke up and attempted to clean my room (aka unpack). i made it through getting all of my clothes put away (which is quite a large feat) but didnt get to anything else. but that's okay. it's one step closer. i ran some errands, watched a movie, and then had another great dinner w/ friends and played some Wii and watched the olympics. today i woke up, listened to 2 Passion Podcasts and then went to church (for the first time in a while!) and let me tell you, it was a good idea! no idea if it'll be a long-term thing, but for today, it was just great. maybe i'll go back next week. came home, ate lunch, then went to my first soccer game! (well, it was just a scrimmage really) i knew i was out of shape, but WOW - i'm REALLY out of shape! i did a LOT of walking - it sucked. i mean, it was fun, and i tried to make all the guys laugh with lots of ridiculous comments, but i'm pretty hard on myself so to play and just not be able to really play was a challenge. needless to say, i thought the game would never end, and it was beyond exhausting! i did score a goal though! that was fun! i thanked the other teams defenders for going easy on me - hopefully they knew i was just messing around (i mean, if they werent going easy on me, i wasnt trying to make them feel bad or anything!!!) that took most of the afternoon, then another fantastic dinner (i LOVE a cooked meal shared with friends - its so good.) from there we started watching Invisible Children videos. [insert here soul leaping with joy] for one, i get goosebumps almost every time i watch any of them because there's a love deep inside me that stris for the people of Northern Uganda, and for the americans here doing anything they can trying to end the war. with every video we watched, i just fell in love with these kids all over again. and as we watched, and how they bring music and life together in such a brilliant way, its crazy how it made me feel more like ME than anything else. i'm beginning to get eager, wondering when it will be my turn to go to Africa, where i'll go, and what i'll be doing. i daydream about falling so in love with it, thinking that if just watching the video makes my soul leap with joy, i dream that when i get there, i wont want to leave because it will just be beyond me. isnt it interesting? where in the world did this come from? on the podcast i was listening to earlier, louie [giglio] made me laugh b/c he was in south africa saying how when he was younger, someone had said to him 'oh, dont accept Jesus - he'll send you to Africa!' and when he finally went, it was just incredible. and now he jokes, wondering if people in Africa will say 'oh, dont accept Jesus - he'll send you to America'. i hope sometime i'll get to go to africa. and i wish my soul would always be leaping with joy!

bipolar

2008-07-26T12:38:00.002-05:00

today is saturday, july 26th. it's 12:39pm central time. what a day.. after having alphabatized and filed myself to the point of ridiculousness, there is no more to file, nothing left to alphabatize. the past few days have been a challenge. i seem to have a tolerance for tedious tasks, more than most people i know. for that reason, i am often willing to help in the small things. it is difficult because i find myself wondering 'am i doing this because they dont think i can do more?' and so while i dont have much of a desire to make calls to uninsured people all day, this morning when it became obvious that i was not being useful, the only job left to be done was make calls - which i'm happy to do because that is what is needed (just as the alphabatizing i did earlier this week was what was necessary and therefore i was happy to do that as well). and so i was handed a stack of emails with people emailing in concerns, and told to call them back. while it may not be what i want to be doing, i enjoy this more because i know i am qualified to be doing this. i know i am good at this. i carry myself quite differently when given heavier responsibility because i expect great things of myself and believe others have entrusted this work to me. the past week has provided a world of different challenges, working with different people, working for a woman rather than a man. it teaches and refines me.

so i guess i wonder why it is in my nature to run from the situations that teach and refine me, that make me stronger, that affirm who i am? i see a need to prove myself to others-that i am qualified to do more than alphabatize and file, but that i am also willing to do whatever is needed. and yet, even if i'm everything i know God has made me to be, there are people who will never see it as enough. perhaps the truth lies in the fact that i do not need to remember that I am trying my hardest, but rather i need to remember that i do not live to prove myself to these people around me. if there is a way to remember, to live in light of the truth that it's all about Jesus, will i find the stregth to do so?

waiting for 8.

2008-07-22T09:19:00.004-05:00

right now, i just cant come into work late enough.... i've been here this morning for 40 minutes so far, i cant really start..or moreso i refuse to start making phonecalls for another 40 minutes - which means 8am pacific time. and so, everyday i come in too early, i sit here browsing blogs, checking my email, reading more news articles than i ever could have imagined. but, it never seems to fail that when i come in too early, i sit depressed waiting to start making phone calls. including today i have 16 days until I hopefully will be flying back to little rock, and then turning around and flying out to colorado. of course there's no guarantee that i'll get to go on that trip, but that's not something i can focus on over the next 16 days.

our floor here in our dallas building is getting rather crowded. more people come everyday to assist with processing the major event that has happened in our workplace recently. for that reason, i should be thankful that i have my little 4'x6' cubicle when these new people are sitting at tables setup in the hallways. i read in an article yesterday that this bank that has recently closed is larger than all the other banks on the watch list combined. i dont know if that carries any truth - i mean, who knows if the person writing knows anything about this subject, but it is certainly true that this bank is massive, and this process is extreme. i am one of 50 agents calling customers for 11 hours a day, with 10 additional people making calls during their afternoon. i dont know when i'll be going home. today is my 16th day straight working. i'm obviously burnt out, along with the rest of my coworkers, can you tell?! :) i know this jibberish doesnt help, but i obviously need something to pass the time... only 30 minutes to go now.

stream of conscience so I can sleep.

2008-07-18T00:24:00.000-05:00

I do love reading. it is very late right now, and I should be asleep but I decided to stay up an extra hour to do a load of laundry. it was a time I greatly appreciated. i've always seemed to enjoy laundromats-not that I was necessarily at one tonight but I love them because they force you to slow down rather than allow you to multitask. tonight I decided to read while waiting on my laundry. an interesting book called Fall On Your Knees-i didn't really have any expectations since I picked the book up from kroger but its pretty good so far. anyway, I like reading because it inspires me to want to be more eloquent when I speak. suddenly every thought I have turns into how it might be said if it were a line from a book. I appreciate this evening for a feeling close to normalcy. today at work started off fairly rough. I went in too early and had too much time for my thoughts to stir about my dislike for this time in my life. this week is worse than last. I really want to go home. I can't fathom another week of this-six weeks is unreal. I can't imagine what I will do when they finally tell me I can leave dallas and don't have to come back. i'll probably cry. I always seem to cry when I leave places-perhaps this is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. okay. I feel like my stream of conscience is complete and that I can go to sleep now. I look forward to exercise in the morning even if it is just a little and even though my body needs more rest than it is going to receive. surely it will have to be enough.

just one reason I listen to christian music!

2008-07-10T21:24:00.000-05:00

okay i'm just laughing because tuesday I was driving home from the mall in the rental car, tryin to find something good on the radio and I come across this catchy beat starting up so I keep the scan there to listen. and its a darn catchy beat...its like the theme of High School Musical-it really gets stuck in your head even if you only hear it once. and so-here I am-and I can't stop singing 'i kissed a girl and I liked it, hope my boyfriend don't mind it!' and there is my example of why I listen to christian music-much greater likelihood of being able to sing along w/ a clean conscience! LOL

work sucks. so does my attitude.

2008-07-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting at work right now, still with no work to do. It’s been incredibly frustrating for numerous reasons. I keep thinking numerous things…
‘I could be in Arkansas right now’
‘why THIS week have downtime when I’m missing my vacation next week?’
‘what a waste of the company’s money and our time’
‘darn adam and eve for choosing pleasures over God and work as we know it entering the world…’
So I finally pulled out my headphones and hooked up Pandora and turned on my Sara Groves station. Again it makes me appreciate the music that people create…it reminds me that my attitude sucks…

4th of July!

2008-07-05T20:11:00.002-05:00

wow. it's been a full month since i last wrote anything down here. perhaps that's what happens when you live in a hotel without internet access in your room. while being home these few days, i've fully taken advantage of the internet access, staying up way too late pretty much every night. this past wednesday morning, very eager and excited to go to work (a 2 hour corporate university meeting followed by a reception and then i had the rest of the day to go home - sounds like a good work day to me!!!). sadly, the excitement soon died away as my coworkers and i were told that we had just been approved to stay in dallas another 60 days. it was very sad indeed. instead of driving to fayetteville on monday, i will be flying back to dallas tomorrow night. luckily, i was allowed to come home wednesday because I had my move planned for this weekend. and move indeed i have done. wednesday night when i arrived home, i certainly didnt have much energy. i went to the apartment to start packing and brought more stuff to the house. then thursday i went to work from 7-3:30, home for a bit and then again to the apartment to pack - half price smoothies for dinner though were a refreshing end to the evening. friday morning got up and ran a 5K (and actually jogged most of it amazingly - finished in just under 35 minutes which is killer for me - thanks to an almost all downhill race, i was stoked. about 11:30 headed back to the apartment with my 2 roommates whose awesomeness meant we had fully packed the apartment in 2 hours. incredible. came back to the house, tried to unpack some things and organize. although exhausted and not feeling overly social, our house had been invited to dinner at our friend's fiance's parents' house, so we got cleaned up and went there. very good idea. ribs, potato salad, green bean cassarole, watermelon, homemade ice cream and brownies might have been one of the best meals i've eaten in the past 10 weeks. i miss cooking real food. i wish i could work just part time and then cook nice meals for people the rest of the day. we had a lot of fun taking jumping pictures and then went downtown for a short bit to catch the fireworks, which were awesome. this morning i awoke with anxiety - it finally was move day. got up way too early, got dressed, moved some stuff in my bedroom and headed to U-Haul to pick up the van. sweetly enough the Uhaul van we got was brand new - 462 miles on it so far. it was a breeze to drive which was great. the move ended up going well with only a few minor bumps along the way - my 5x10 storange unit was actually 4'x9.75' which was definitely not going to work, so i had to move to a bigger unit - pay more per month. and luckily my friend matt absolutely saved the day by coming to help move the washer and dryer and my massive corner TV piece (which after he and sara amazingly carried into the house, actually had to be taken apart to fit into my room). seriously, as my roommate attests, there's no way we could have finished the move without matt's help. i feel quite a sense of relief to have all the moving done. this is really the first time that i've done a major move without my parents helping - i'm glad they didnt have to help (no need to risk hurting their backs!!!) but i certainly was fully aware of my desperate dependence on God to send people my way to help with this move. finally about 1:30 this afternoon we returned the uhaul then swung back by the house to pick up matt and sarah to go out to lunch (that was the least i could do for them!). we all had a feast at IHOP (i really wanted to take them somewhere nicer to say thanks, but we werent exactly dressed for a 5 star restaurant, and the breakfasts we ate for lunch were amazing!). so we came back and i also made everyone cookies, which i just love doing and although it was a small sign, i hope they know how much i appreciated them for their help. and finally now, 8:30pm, i am SO exhausted! my tv is all setup - vcr and dvd player hooked up correctly and everything, and everything that was going to get stored in or set on the corner piece is done. so really all i have left to do is organize my clothes [which there are tons of, in many different areas]. i fly to dallas tomorrow at 3:30pm and before then i'm gonna try my darnedest to get the clothes organized, do laundry, clean and turn in keys for the old apartment and pack for the week. i am motivated by the thought that hope upon hope, this time next week i will be lounging on the beach in perdido key. okay... my roommate just made some really yummy smelling real food so i need to go investigate that and probably eat a decent supper of my own. hope everyone else had an eventful 4th of july, perhaps a bit more relaxing than mine :)

crazy love and no meaningful thoughts..

2008-06-04T21:00:00.002-05:00

so, it's june already. 4 weeks from this very moment in time, i will be back in little rock. and that will be a glorious thing. you see, right now i'm in a place that's not my home... and all i can think about is home. it's strange. and it makes me think of the future with Christ and how the bible says that this earth is not really our home. but i rarely have that eternal focus.

but yeah, so 4 weeks from right now i'll be back in little rock. gosh. i have no meaningful thoughts to offer. the best thing i can say is that i'm reading this book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. its good, but challenging. i was reading through it pretty quickly but got to a point where it just didnt seem right to go on... so i've stopped reading for now. its good not to rush through. so, there you go.. i'm gonna go read [leviticus]. you should go check out francis' book at your local barnes and noble or library and see what you think...

wading into the deep end.

2008-05-22T22:10:00.002-05:00

you know.. what's funny about notes is that, as i go through my days, there's always stuff that happens that i think 'i wish i had someone to tell all about this!' or 'i should definitely write this down!' but then i get here, and everything is just 'eh.. whatever!' suddenly my random thoughts no longer seem note-worthy, probably because they're just random thoughts, not like full fledged long notes. so, maybe i'll just write down my random thoughts...

...i LOVE music. i love singing with everything in me along with my favorite artists [right now i'm singing with phil wickham "you are holy, great and mighty - the moon and the stars declare who you are - i'm so unworthy, but still you love me - forever my heart will sing of how great you are!!"] earlier on the Kyiv/Stockhom Passion Podcast, Charlie Hall commented about singing - he said something about people singing songs that their hearts so naturally want to sing. i thought that was brilliant....

i feel like there are a lot of things i want to be doing that cost lots of money! i dont normally feel this way. its something about dallas and i cant quite put my finger on it. but i want to go watch FC Dallas play (the major league soccer team), which ends up costing $25-40 per game. i want to go climbing! that costs $15 per outing. movies are $10 at least. sometimes i long for the days where there wasnt much like this to do...i conclude in my mind that life would be much different, but really, the thing is that in place of going to watch soccer, at heart i wish i was out playing with my friends. and instead of going climbing, i wish i were out hiking with friends. and instead of going to a movie, i wish i were having a dinner party with my friends. i see a trend here...

...i'm itching for adventure. aka a huge part of everything in me wants to be living on purpose with a passion with other people. i'm remembering in particular a mission trip i went on years ago. i think it was the first mission trip i ever went on [not that i've been on many]. we went to new orleans. i think i was 16. it was like 12 girls and our 3 youth leaders [and as i get older i greatly sympathize with them and understand the awkwardness of the male leaders taking a group of 12 female teenagers! at the time of course we didnt think anything of it, but i understand now!]. but it was just terrific. our days were filled with volunteering, loving on kids, big group meals, and memorizing the first bible verses i ever memorized! [which, in case you're wondering were philippians 2:3-5 "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, consider others before yourself. each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus,"]. as i sit here, i think about how life as an adult can merge with this idea, this lifestyle. i think of what it would be like to work for a church as a youth leader.. and my thoughts kind of go like this.. well, i'm still not really one to just talk about jesus with other people. which seems an important part of being a youth leader. but i suppose the fact is that part of me wonders if you need to earn the right to be able to talk to someone about jesus. because for most people, He's not someone they normally talk about, particularly to strangers. [or maybe i think that but its not true?] so then i see working with a group of youngsters starting as more of like a club, a fun place where you make friends, and then after getting to know these people, God things flow naturally into the midst. i dont know what anyone else things about these things, and i'm sure there are plenty of schools of thinking, and many that would say there's already preset formulas to follow, but as with the majority of the rest of my life, i'm just done with preset formulas. not to say they arent actually good, or that they dont actually work, i just am thinking its backwards to jump into a formula without truly living the process of how it got there. that's a big thought to me, it may not make sense.. that is one topic that probably could be a note all on its own.

...with God on my mind, spiritually i've been dwelling in two different pools of thoughts these past weeks. one is with regard to the meaning of the words Sin, good, and wrong - in the context of questions such as 'if we do something that is considered good, are we not sinning?' and 'if we do something that is considered wrong, are we sinning' and 'does Sin mean that we act/think/believe in any way other than God?' and 'if the answer to the latter question is yes, does that change the meaning/answer to the first two questions?' these thoughts came up as i was reading in the bible the book of leviticus chapter 18. i'm not trying to answer these questions, but i'm appreciating thinking about them as i continue to read and live.the other pool of thoughts...man, i got so much back into thinking about that first pool, what was the second?! hmm.. i think it kinda goes along with the first pool. I remember back in like 8th grade or something, our church youth college intern gave me a 'WWJD' bracelet, which stood for What Would Jesus Do. and honestly, i think the whole time i wore that bracelet, i never considered practially in my daily life 'what would jesus do' in any instance. in leviticus 18, it starts "Then the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and say to them: ‘I am the LORD your God. According to the doings of the land of Egypt, where you dwelt, you shall not do; and according to the doings of the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you, you shall not do; nor shall you walk in their ordinances. You shall observe My judgments and keep My ordinances, to walk in them: I am the LORD your God. You shall therefore keep My statutes and My judgments, which if a man does, he shall live by them: I am the LORD." This to me says 'dont determine how to live by how your old neighbors lived. and in the same manner, dont determine how to live based on how your new neighbors live. but rather, look at how I (Jesus) live, and let me be your example, your go-by, your standard.'

this ain't my american dream..

2008-05-14T21:36:00.003-05:00

Today has been an interesting day. For one, I’ve been particularly irritable and prone to being overly emotional, which is possibly unfortunate but questionably natural. For the past few days, if not weeks, I’ve sense myself becoming more and more accepting of this world around me. Excited by the thoughts of buying a house one day, wanting to be married, envisioning working at this same job for many years to come. What’s funny is that most people might call this ‘the American dream’, something that most people strive for their whole life. But to me, these things – thinking about them, its not typical for me, and I’ve even felt almost a disappointment because the yearning inside me that I’ve felt in life before seemed to be gone. Switchfoot (a San Diego rock band) has a song called American Dream. The chorus says:
This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream
Today, painfully, and yet almost reassuringly, that yearning I sensed disappearing seems to have come back. It’s been a hard day at work… I don’t know if I can even explain why. I was particularly frustrated because of people I had to work with… but now that I think of it, I think it really came out of the fact that I was surrounded by people who approach things SO differently than I do. And it really bothered me. I felt torn – why should I always have things my way? Work always with people I get along with? Why should this frustrate me as much as it did? That I’m not sure of. In my breaks through the afternoon I was perusing the Invisible Children website, and longing returned to my heart. I want to live and die for bigger things.

captivating.

2008-04-20T12:14:00.003-05:00

so yesterday i was going through my books seeing what i could get rid of - surely there was something. i came across a book i read a few years back and, remembering that it didnt blow me away the first time i read it, figured it was a good one to get rid of. i had made some notes while reading it before, so grabbed my eraser to clean it up. i'm quite a believer that books can mean something completely different to you if you read them at different points in your life. not surprisingly, then, as i was going back through this book, it seemed like something i should be reading now and so last night and this morning i've spent some time out on my patio in this great weather reading. and so, in typical fashion, a few passages or quotes that have stood out to me so far.

"A woman's struggle with her sense of self worth points to something glorious she was designed to be."

"In the depths of my soul, I longed to be part of something large and good; something that required all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for."

"We do not want to the adventure merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others. We don't want to be alone in it; we want to be in it with others."

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty ehough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We fell unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder."

by candlelight

2008-03-29T21:26:00.003-05:00

for those of you who didn't know: Earth Hour occurred today. what is Earth Hour you ask? according to earthhour.org, this is the brief explanation:

On March 31 2007, for one hour, Sydney made a powerful statement about the greatest contributor to global warming – coal-fired electricity – by turning off its lights. Over 2.2 million Sydney residents and over 2,100 businesses switched off, leading to a 10.2% energy reduction across the city. What began as one city taking a stand against global warming caught the attention of the world.
In 2008, 24 global cities will participate in Earth Hour at 8pm on March 29. Earth Hour is the highlight of a major campaign to encourage businesses, communities and individuals to take the simple steps needed to cut their emissions on an ongoing basis. It is about simple changes that will collectively make a difference – from businesses turning off their lights when their offices are empty, to households turning off appliances rather than leaving them on standby.

so yeah, at this point, you've missed it. but you can a) participate next year or b) have your own Earth Hour any time!

it turned out pretty awesomely tonight, because Earth Hour occurred at the same time at the Team Up Gear Up: Biking Against Human Trafficking conference call where we got to hear David Gutnick from the CBC in Canada talk about slavery in 3 different african countries. it was very interesting. especially sitting here by candlelight on the call, wondering if others on the call were also sitting by candlelight (or in the dark). at one point, david talked about one of the cities he was in where parents sold their kids into slavery, mostly unknowingly - thinking their kids were being sent off to work and in turn be put through schooling, which of course never happened. and a couple young girls who had escaped from their masters and found their way back home had started an anti-slavery club - trying to educate the adults in their town about what was really happening to their kids. and they started this radio show. because, David said, they dont have electricity there, but battery run radios are really popular, because when the sun goes down every night at 6ish and the family is sitting around a candle, listening to the radio was the best option around. and so they'd sit by candlelight listening to this anti-slavery show put on by young kids who had escaped. and upon hearing this, while sitting by my candle here - there was just something about that i found incredibly wonderful.

and on a side note, while electricity is wonderful, there is something pure and simple about sitting by candlelight. and i think i shall do it more often. a few years back, my roommate at the time gave me a book about how to make candles. i sadly have never used it :( but maybe this night could inspire me to learn and make candles [you know, in my spare time!] and start spending more evenings by candlelight, and maybe in doing so, remember those around the world who have no other option.

finally back in little rock

2008-03-27T21:34:00.002-05:00

well, it turns out that today has been a pretty great day. i feel so very lucky. working for only 90 minutes this morning was fantastic. and i was able to pull into the EMI parking lot at like 10:30am. it felt different in the building... quiet, empty, more like a mellow coffee shop well decorated with fancy lounging areas and places to play and listen to good music as opposed to an office. it almost even feels strange to think that i used to work there. [of course, when i, out of habit, almost walked into my old office rather than jess' - that was pretty funny. guess old habits die slower than memories.] glad to find out i'm still being prayed for because i dont go to church. unfortunate, though, that the old boss wasnt in town. i thought about filling his office with balloons for him to come back to, but figured everyone else that was working wouldnt really appreciate that! so i stayed much longer than expected, which is no surprise. i still know it's good and right for me not to be in nashville anymore, but every time i get to see the people i interacted with in nashville, i think i appreciate them more. when i finally realized how late it was and that i needed to get back on the road, i thought i only had a 5 hour drive, but it ended up taking closer to 6. not sure if that's because of traffic or the accident i came across or what, but no big deal. i made it, unloaded the car and got my mail and will save laundry for later this weekend.
oh, and i've decided that i need to carry my little recording device with me when i drive, particularly after i'm leaving places, because i always seem to have deep thoughts and comments that i would love to write down, and yet, blogging while driving is a definite impossibility. i'll have to work on that for the future.

thursday!

2008-03-26T22:13:00.002-05:00

so i'm very excited because TOMORROW! i get to drive home! not so many people would be so excited to drive 7 hours, but i am. it feels like its been forever since i've been in little rock. in fact when i left nashville on sunday, i almost felt like that's where i was supposed to go back to after this week. WHOA! think that was moreso about the people i saw, not nashville itself :) but yeah, i'm very excited after 10 days to be going home! this is good preparation for the next few months i suppose! plus it means i only have to be 'at work' for an hour tomorrow morning! and then i get to have friday in the office to study! its crazy! hopefully little rock is all i'm hoping to return to! at least i have my dried mango! a bit sweet but i've adjusted a bit and will definitely be able to eat it all. yum!!

Biking Against Human Trafficking

2008-03-24T20:57:00.001-05:00

hey, if anyone ever sees this - something just started today that you should know about. it's called Biking Against Human Trafficking - it's just a few people trying to raise awareness and efforts to stop human trafficking (which includes people sold as sex slaves in modern day slavery, people tricked into prostitution) - its about this going on not just around the world but also here in the united states.

starting yesterday [i think] through next monday, every night at 8pm central time a conference call is being held with different organizations that are fighting human trafficking around the world. tomorrow [tuesday] night the call is with 3 organizations out of thailand, which is a major area of human trafficking.

i just want everyone to know this is going on, to challenge you to spend 30-45 minutes of your day listening in to these conference calls and learning about a topic you may know nothing about (i dont know anything about it...). the website is below - it tells you the basics. but also, if you see this, here's the number: 218-486-1600 and then the code is: 472085#

http://www.freewebs.com/baht/

also, the cause is on my facebook profile: join the cause.

happy easter

2008-03-23T12:58:00.003-05:00

well, here we are at easter 2008. cant believe it's already march 24, 2008. it's a rare opportunity to be blogging in tennessee, i dont expect it to happen ever again, unless i get into blogging mode later this week. this past weekend i had the opportunity to spend some large amounts of time with some old friends in nashville. i arrived friday night not having any plans for the weekend really, i just knew i wanted to spend quality time with people i wasnt sure when i'd get to see again. it might be an understatement to say that many people, having experienced the same weekend, might not have found it enjoyable at all, but i thought it was just great. the friends i stayed with live a life perhaps unlike a majority of americans. among the six of them, they share a 3 bedroom apartment. [which yeah, sounds normal!] in bedroom 1 - one married couple and their 7 month old baby. in bedroom 2 - married couple number 2. in bedroom 3 - a single gal. i was graced with an air matress in the living room which was great! and more than i was expecting!! it is somewhat funny, because i think the living situation is great - i see all the benefits, and while yes, it comes with various sacrifices, to me [and them i'd presume] the benefits FAR outweigh the sacrifices. so for the weekend it meant being around great people all the time! the 7 month old [justus] is absolutely precious! and is always surrounded by 5 people who absolutely love him all the time! i jumped right on that bandwagon because, well, that age just grips my heart! we had homemade pizza friday night, it was delicious. they're learning lots about nutrition [yep, many things that others might not agree with, but very natural, very organic, very old fashioned stuff] and so the whole weekend i got to partake in incredibly yummy foods that they cooked. couldn't have asked for anything better. saturday morning we spent a few hours at panera [oh, the best bagels. i love them so] and began studying 2 Timothy. studying 2nd Timothy was the ongoing event of the weekend - we just barely finished before dinner sunday night! it was wonderful spending so much time reading my bible, really studying it, trying to understand each verse - question things that didnt make sense and make connections with other things read. the weekend went by incredibly quick and i truly did not want to leave! all day already i've thought back with joy overy so many moments of the weekend. eating dried mango which was delish [and then eating dried mango tonight that tasted totally different from what i had saturday!!] making justus laugh and laugh and laugh. finding new meaning in becoming a commissioned examiner. i'm very lucky to have gotten to visit them once more before they move at the end of may up to milwaukee, and i cannot wait to go visit them up there as soon as i can :)

Go Kansas! [what?!!!!]

2008-03-16T20:06:00.002-05:00

so here's the deal. on this fine sunday evening i am overly excited!!! i really need to go eat dinner. and pack. but in the meantime, i am excited! this week basically begins the summer madness. i go to tennessee for 2 weeks for work, come back for a week, go to DC for 2 weeks for work, go to fayetteville for a week for work, then go to dallas for 10 weeks for work. my time at home is going to become extremely limited, but lots of fun should be in store. especially because amidst all this traveling craziness, basketball is happening, and tonight my friends and i drafted teams for a little friendly competition and i am excited! my picks turned out as follows:
round 1: Kansas (1)
round 2: UConn (4)
round 3: Washington State (4)
round 4: Indiana (8)
round 5: Oregon (9)
round 6: Georgia (14)
round 7: Temple (12)
round 8: Mississippi Valley State (16)
it should be written down in the books that i will be cheering for kansas. and even tho i pretty much will never be in town to watch a game with everyone else, i am still very excited and will definitely be watching from wherever my travels take me.
in addition to this greatness, more fun is that an old college buddy of mine is stopping through town tomorrow night! i havent seen him in years and am stoked that he is able to stop in little rock on his way down to phoenix! which is why i need to get packed as best as i can tonight! because tomorrow night i will not want to pack i would guess!
so hooray! now that i've written down my excitement, i can go eat my peanut butter sandwhich for dinner and then get on with the packing, super mario, movie watching, etc that will further my evening entertainment!!

fake-baking

2008-03-13T22:25:00.002-05:00

okay. this just humors me to no end. there's a reason i am normally not a fan of fake-baking and this goes to prove me correctly. obviously no need to go into details, but let's just say that if i feel the need to fake-bake some more, i will go pay at a nice stand-up tanning place and not go for free simply because its FREE! and its a good thing i dont have to wear a bikini in front of anyone tomorrow :)

blogs from boredom = boringness to the extreme

2008-03-13T20:32:00.002-05:00

so here it is.. thursday night. Lost is supposed to be on right now and it appears its not because of basketball games. which makes me incredibly sad. it was going to be such a great night. so instead here i sit. i am hoping that by chance lost will come on late after the games, we'll see. it's been a pretty long week. i'm beginning to think that there's a connection between my crazy weird dreams and a lack of interaction with people. i've been relatively productive at work this week (while i'm not daydreaming about the most random things). but it is kinda bleh to get up at 5:30, say hello to my computer. go into work, sit in my cube for 9 hours straight, come home, and sit in my apartment for another several hours, go to bed, and do it again. i guess being home [as opposed to being out of town at a bank] isnt all its cracked up to be. and since i wished 3 more weeks of this upon myself...lovely. for whatever reason i've decided the fake-bake concept would be good entertainment. it is free after all. i went over today. i only made it 14 minutes before i felt like my skin was on fire so i wimped out. i'll try again tomorrow, work my way up, do some fake sun damage to my skin. but hey, it's free and now perhaps i wont be ridiculously pale. not that anyone will ever see that as most of the time i have so many layers of winter clothes on. speaking of winter. i think spring might actually be here. its been in the 70s all week. i freakin love it. i turned my heat/air off and open the occasional window. that's a highlight.
by far the best part of today was when i was talkin to mom on the way home from work today. we've got a family reunion in august in colorado, which in and of itself was super exciting to me. i cannot wait. it will be awesome. but then my mom suggested that our family stay out a few extra days, stay in breckenridge, go rafting... GO RAFTING??? what?! i never EVER EVER EVER ever EVER! thought i'd hear my parents recommend some outdoor activity like that. needless to stay that had me grinning for a good many minutes. and then i talked to my friend in florida about possibly going on a cruise to the bahamas over memorial day weekend (which would be CRAZY but awesome, especially if more of our friends wanted to go!!). and there you go. that's been the light and fluffy version of my week.
i think that basketball game is almost over, so i'm gonna go see if maybe lost is going to come on. if not, i think i'll just put in friends and go to bed.

the worst thing

2008-03-12T06:15:00.002-05:00

it is the worst thing ever to have so much i want to write about and literally no time to do it. that's what i get for choosing to start my workday at 7am... but perhaps to spur myself on later:
-the all over the place crazy dream
-the massively huge bug that was a wasp when i killed it but a monster thing with spaghetti-like tenacles when we went to throw it away (down the bathtub drain).
-the friends parents
-shogun and the road up cantrell with the bridge
-friends house/coffee house
-more reflections on seeing people of my past
-AT
-life buddy

the disservice of forgetfulness.

2008-03-09T20:37:00.005-05:00

so, i find myself here again. here being sitting on my bed because for one, it's the only place i get internet access and two, my blankets are warm and i am cold. lovely itunes brings choice music. not sure if music sets my mood or if my mood chooses the music. [by the way, for today it appears to be happy music. "God's Romance" by Delirious, and the "brave" cd by Nichole Nordeman]

this weekend was pretty terrific. costly, but terrific. yesterday morning my alarm went off at 3:30am. at 6:15 i flew off to chicago. i arrived in chicago, where the temperature was 14 degrees and there were flurries in the air. i forgot how long it'd been since i've been up north. [probably 3 years] like, i really forgot. it was a good start to the following 36 hours. i finally found the avis rental car place and picked up my crappy little Toyota Yaris. it made me extremely grateful for my lovely new saturn vue. so me and the yar take off across the state. i forgot how long it'd been since i drove across illinois. [4 years] i wasnt prepared for the toll road. they took like $4.50 from me. but we made it. welcome to Clinton, Iowa. i'm not sure if i've actually ever been in iowa before. it smelled funny.] i found my hotel, went shopping, and went to see a movie. my hotel was sweet. well, it was a sweet suite. 2 separate rooms, 2 tvs, pretty awesome for like $80. I saw Fools Gold at the movies - pretty good. at this point in the day i was quite enjoying my little adventure. oh, yeah, so the whole point of this outing was that my old college roommate was getting married. so 3ish i get ready for the wedding, head out at 4 - the church is like 25 miles away, wedding starts at 5, thought i'd be good. right, so this is why i need GPS. i got lost. i freaked out. my poor parents who regularly deal with me getting lost and calling [never in a pleasant or appreciative mood mind you] and they always save the day. the church was literally in the middle of nowhere. the road was icy - i was running up from where i parked thinking 'this is bad. not supposed to run up a gravel ice covered road in heels, in a dress'. so i finally race in just before the wedding started. saw that a few other old college roommates were also there. the ceremony was great - the pastor spoke to the bride and groom, telling each about what their call in marriage was. it was good.

from here we're off to the reception. i call mom to thank her for saving me earlier. she asks if i'm following someone to the reception. i say no, i've got good directions this time. of course, they're only good if i actually follow them. but no, i think i know another way to go and frustrate myself. at this point in the night i was a little concerned about spending the evening with people i havent seen or hardly even spoken with over the past 4 years. at the church, it didnt feel like conversation came easily - so there was potential for a long reception. however, upon finally finding the reception, it turned out to be pretty terrific. i forgot how much i enjoyed having these people in my life. it was hard though, because i was the one that in a sense turned my back on them. when i left ohio, i kind of left wanting to only look ahead, figure out what i was supposed to do with this life. i didnt really look back, i didnt make an effort to keep in touch with people. i remember one time going back to visit and driving back to nashville from dayton, i cried for the first hour of my drive, wondering what in the heck i was doing. and so at this wedding, i got to remember and appreciate this incredible people, and it was neat. it wasnt really remember great times we'd had in college, but it was remembering personalities. i'd forgotten how well i knew these friends. how could a person forget like this? it amazed me really.

after the reception i made it back to the hotel almost on the first try and went straight to sleep. today i was... wow, so it's 9pm now. i wasnt even originally supposed to be flying back from chicago until 9:30! i ended up shelling out $25 more to get on an earlier flight. i raced the clock back from clinton to chicago. i thought i was prepared for the tolls. i was wrong. by the time i got to the last one, which i didnt know was there, i didnt have enough money. and there was no person there. so i threw in all the change i had, and drove on. i felt like i was breaking the law, but what was i supposed to do. getting back early this afternoon was a particular treat. and so that was my weekend. little rock to chicago to clinton iowa to port byron illinois back to clinton, back to chicago, back to little rock - all in 36 hours.

it's interesting. reflecting on seeing these old friends again, i think i've even forgotten who i am, who i've been, things i enjoy, qualities i cherish in other people and how they stir in me different desires in life. by the end of the reception i felt like i didnt know myself, perhaps because i've forgotten details of my journey through life. to me, that's hard to deal with and accept. it makes me question the choices i make, and it makes me want a Constant in my life. [which is not to say i dont have any constants in my life.. that one's too long to clarify!] if you watch Lost - a few episodes back that was a key point - if you dont have a constant in your life when you feel like your life is all over the place, it will eventually kill you.

in conclusion, i come from a family that believes everything happens for a reason. what a shame it is then to forget our past. and in particular, the people who have inevitably shaped who we are today.

back to crazy

2008-03-02T20:18:00.002-06:00

so it's been a long weekend. i took full advantage of being home for this past week - it's almost like being on vacation except not really. tomorrow i pretty much leave for 2 weeks straight. weekdays will be spent in lovely searcy arkansas (referenced earlier in the mad butcher post - but this time i actually work and stay in searcy). next weekend should be a fabulous yet exhausting break. an old college roommate is getting married so i'm flying to chicago, basically driving to iowa (fastest/cheapest route? who knows... i decided not to try and figure that out after everything was scheduled). so yeah, i'm very excited for the old friends i get to see, most of whom i havent seen since spring of 2004 i think. my flight leaves saturday morning at like 6:15, and then sunday my flight gets back at 11:30. so friday when i get home from work it will be a funny chaotic few hours of packing for both the weekend and the following week of work so that when i get back sunday night i can pretty much go straight to sleep. oh, and hopefully baking a cake as well for the duke v unc game saturday (yeah, i realized after volunteering to make that that i wouldnt even be at the game b/c hello, i'll be hours and hours away). but i think its a good thing the next two weeks are busy, i've spent too much time lately contemplating life, i need to spend time again just living it :) so yeah. two crazy weeks, perhaps a good preparation for what is going to happen to my life starting in april!

haley

2008-02-29T23:53:00.004-06:00

well, a combination of things has me wanting to blog tonight. sometimes i feel like i freeze in life and everything in the world spins around me. not in a 'i'm the center of the world' way, but like a 'stuck in a moment in time contemplating everything around me' way.

blog influence #1: "Haley" by NeedToBreathe
If you don't know just how you feel*Don't say hose sweet things That you know I'd wanna hear
If you don't know just what to think Then put your thoughts away And keep them out of reach
(Chorus) Haley don't hurt me If you don't know I could have moved on a long time ago You're undecided, your eyes do show Haley don't hurt me if you don't know
If you don't know just where we are Then slowly step away before we get too far If you don't know just where you stand Don't brace a fall that you may never want to land
We're on and off again It's more than I can stand So let me know if you're for real this time Your voice, it shook again Reminded me of when We talked our way into the end.

blog influence #2: we are the beggars (part 2)
my friend matt's blog. hooray for this side of matt returning into his blogs. an excerpt:
"But before too long we get wrapped up in Bible studies, and serving at church, and going on mission trips, and working with the youth group, and making sure we're listening to the right music, and making sure we're reading the right books. We pick up a new vocabulary, a new group of friends, a new schedule for our week."

its hard for me when moments happen in life that i want to capture somehow and yet absolutely cannot. this past week i feel like my worlds collided. i feel like it's a scene out of a movie, where this grand explosion is going on all around the character and yet they just stand there in complete peace. I think where i'm at is mystified by my current life. when i read that part of matt's blog, it stopped me because that was so my life the whole time i was living in ohio. when i moved to nashville i remember wanting it to be different, but i didnt know what life would look like aside from the above. and then 3 years in nashville were kind of this middle ground, unbecoming what i was and becoming something not altogether different, but different still. and here i am now in little rock. i havent been in a bible study in at least the past year or so, i dont go to church, mission trips have taken on a completely different meaning, i think i was crazy for when i worked with the youth group, my music habits are changed, and i rarely read any books. the vocabulary's interesting - even though there might be people around me that use it, its a rare thing, my friends are finally diverse, and my schedule is nothing like i thought it would be.

and so here i stand, peaceful amidst a world that almost feels foreign. it shows me who i am and the vastness of my imperfections. efforts to live an open life - not living out of fear - prove ever challenging. perhaps that's where the needtobreathe song fits in. i catch myself wanting to escape ever more frequently behind loud music, as if to hide from those things unfamiliar, from those things that might scare me in life.

it's just a moment in life, i cant capture it, but it feels like my whole life in that moment. i still see the difference, even if no one else does.

genesis

2008-02-24T14:04:00.000-06:00

so, i've been reading through Genesis little by little, taking my time, and today just threw me for a loop. I was reading chapters 33-35 which puts us in the middle of Jacob returning home, about to encounter Esau, the brother who he conned many a times (partially thanks to his mom) before fleeing from him some 20 years ago. it turns out, for what reason i do not yet know, esau is running to meet jacob with open arms, gladly welcoming him home. their interaction is so pleasant that it almost seems fake. such another time and place that i cannot even imagine two people interacting in such a way today. So esau returns home with jacob to follow (slowly because of young children and animals) and along the way when they're stopped in Shechem, Shechem (the person the city is named after) takes Dinah, jacob's daughter, and violates her. this part is one that really just left me speechless almost. so jacob, right, just a chapter before wrestled a Man (possibly God?) and was told that his name from now on would be israel - which begins the journey with the nation of israel, his sons being the 12 tribes of israel, etc. and so here in this situation with Dinah, shechem wants to have her for his wife, the sons of jacob (not jacob himself although i believe he's standing there during this interaction) say that the people of shechem can unite with jacob's people if only all the men agree to be circumcised, and since shechem is in love apparently with dinah, he gladly agrees and has all the men in his area circumcised. however, all this was only a ridiculous plot by the sons of jacob b/c they then go in and kill ALL the men of this whole area. they plunder their homes, take by force all the children and women.

and at this point i'm just blown away. did that seriously just happen? these sons of jacob that will undoubtedly become 2 nations of israel, plot this horrid scene, murder surely tons of men and kidnap their wives and children... as revenge for what was done to their sister dinah? i can understand being upset about dinah; it says that "the sons of Jacob came in from the field when they heard it; and the men were greived and very angry, because he [shechem] had done a disgraceful thing in Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter, a thing which ought not to be done." but honestly i read this and thought how could this happen? where is God in this? did these people, the family of Jacob know God? what type of relationship did they have with him, if any sort at all? was there even the thought at this point in history of raising a family to know God? did teaching your kids about God happen? i wondered these things even through the happenings of Isaac's family - when jacob was deceiving his brother esau. how did... how could these people, who are supposed to be God's people - God's chosen people even - do things like this? i would think it to be unbearable to God, and then i thought how lucky these people are that after the flood with Noah, that God promised never to destroy all mankind again... and the thought that every day so much mercy was shown by God and i'd guess that the people didnt even realize it, as is probably so true of my own life today. and it really amazed me when i realized that I'm only in Genesis 35. noah was only a few chapters ago and this is still all happening in the first book of the bible. if i'm already asking 'how did God..?' i cant even put in into the form of a question... i guess i'm eager to keep reading, part of me wants to read more frequently, to read faster because for once i almost feel like i'm getting to see and understand (well... not really understand, but question so much that i begin to feel the slightest amount familiar with what's going on) both the details and the big picture. i feel like there's so much more to happen between the lives of Jacob and his sons and here in my life today. what all has gone down over these many many years, what does it mean? what does it mean in my life to learn about all of this? what does it mean about God?

its amazing how far over my head this is. when i finished reading i just thought again back on what i'm reading in general - i feel like its so easy to read anything quickly, to think i've got it - i know what it says and understand it. i mean, this is only the first book of the bible, i almost laugh thinking how can i have so many questions already, how can so much have happened already! i think about Isaiah 55:8-9 that says "for My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord - and when i read this i most often think about writing styles and how my whole life it seems i've been taught to write in much detail - opening thought, supporting/explaining sentences, summarizing thought - and i laugh because i dont think God's ways are like this. i think he's pretty straight to the point [relatively speaking], where every sentence in the bible is essentially packed full of so much meaning - a way that i could never write! i feel like i talk a lot because i take so many words to make my point [or just jabber on and on] whereas others dont talk quite as much because they can make their whole point in fewer words (which is a brilliant thing. i wish i could be that intentional with my words). and yet, here is God, straight to the point, but this bible is no small book! and i just remember again...his thoughts are not my thoughts, my ways are not his. [and yes, yes, yes... even that verse - i'm not claiming to fully understand what it means, and i very well might have taken it out of context, etc - but to get stuck in that detail is missing the point.]

amazing galaxy!

2008-02-20T21:48:00.002-06:00

so. the moon tonight is completely amazing! a lunar eclipse, which is not going to happen again until 2010! i didnt expect to get to see it because it was supposed to be raining! but when i went out of the hotel at 9 there it was! incredible in all its beauty! not overly familiar with this town, i took off driving trying to get far enough out of town to really see the stars and moon without the citylight. it didnt take too long, but it was kind of humorous - a girl can only stay in the middle of nowhere by herself at night for so long (approximately 30 seconds!) but oh goodness. when i finally was at a place to just stop and look around from my car, WOW! such a reminder of how much i love the sky no matter what time of day it is! i forgot how many stars you can see when you get out of town, and i am now on the lookout for an opportunity to spend more than 30 seconds someplace where i feel safe and just take in the beauty! i cant wait to see pictures from professional people, especially since in addition to the lunar eclipse, Saturn was visible!! didnt look much different than a regular star, but still, just blows me away! and i'm sure those with beyond amazing telescopes and cameras will produce some great pictures! my picture obviously doesnt do much, but perhaps it will remind me of loving the moment!!

against happiness: in praise of melancholy

2008-02-13T20:06:00.002-06:00

well, let's see if i can get these thoughts out in words. i feel like i've got a lot on my mine these days. but i've been perhaps being very careful about what i say outloud or moreso what thoughts i dwell on and what i dont. i always feel like women as a whole are incredibly emotional and dramatic. and i'm pretty sure i always assume that guys undoubtedly think women are a handful. but the thing that's really got me lately is the thought that as much as guys may think girls are a handful to deal with, being the girl that's a handful and having to deal with yourself all the time! as i've been laying around tonight, i've felt a little frustrated with myself because i feel like i'm trying really hard in life.. almost like i'm trying to be someone i'm not, or to be more than i am. i think it just comes out of self-doubt, feeling like who i am is not enough or not good enough in different situations in life. you know, it's just strange, to know who you are, but to not always be that person. to know who you are and know that it's enough and beautiful and unique and precious, and still try to be someone else. maybe it's just the struggle of life.

at work today i came across the review of a book called "Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy". my first impression was not a good one. at first i thought it was almost going to praise the bad attitidues that are all around me, the poor pitiful me, feel sorry for me, i'm the victim here type of thing. i really did. and perhaps that says something about me just as much as it does of those around me, if not more. but after reading a little bit of the review, i realize my first impression might not have been accurate. i'm now curious to read the book because i think it talks about why its good to NOT just put on the happy face in life. not necessarily praising melancholy as the title says, but moreso discussing its place in life - what role it has played in the past, different things that have come out of melancholy. obviously i havent read the book. i mean heck, i didnt even read the full review, so i could be off. but i like to ponder life. i like pondering life with other people, hearing their thoughts. i just wish i was better at facilitating such conversations.

the mad butcher

2008-02-12T20:56:00.003-06:00

Because Burns said he expected to see this in a blog, here you go :)

This week my job takes me to two places actually. I am working at the Bank of McCrory, in the small town of McCrory Arkansas - population 1800. Seeing as how there are no hotels - not even motels - in this little town, we are staying in Searcy, Arkansas (pronounced SUR see, says wikipedia - this made me laugh) which has a population of 20,000, 33 miles away.
In the small town of McCrory, there are not many lunch options. The only chain restaurant is Subway - which one would think to be good. Problem is that after sitting in Subway for lunch, we come out smelling like subway, and you may have never realized it before but smelling like Subway is seriously not cool! not to mention, going back to our sauna of a conference room, let's just say it gets even worse! There is also a buffet in town which, if you can handle the holes in the walls (which might make you wonder other things about the place in general), is supposedly okay. there's also a pizza place, but one can only eat pizza and not gain a million pounds so many times. oh, and then there's Rhonda's dairy place. well. there USED to be Rhonda's dairy place - it is no longer open, as someone committed suicide there last week. yikes. seriously. So today I decided to visit the local supermarket and pick up a lean cuisine (assuming they sold these). The beauty of it is that the local supermarket is called the Mad Butcher, as seen in the picture. my main thought is this: imagine growing up in McCrory, the Mad Butcher is all you've ever known. One day, you move to a bigger city and upon arriving, needing to go to the supermarket, you ask your neighbor "where's the nearest mad butcher?". Priceless moment? i think so. so here's to McCrory and the great memories of the mad butcher.

wax explosion!

2008-02-10T15:37:00.000-06:00

something fun happened today. i woke up at 7am after only 5 hours of sleep (nope, that's not the fun part!), figured i was awake so i might as well get up and moving.. take a shower, clean, vacuum, clean out my car, iron, all sorts of wonderful things get accomplished before its even like 11am! incredible! so i put in a movie and eat my typical peanut butter on saltines lunch (that's what happens when you're never home and cant get through food before it goes bad) and i've got this candle type thing burning in front of me. it's not a normal candle. it's like wax beads that are melted in a glass dish via a tealight below the dish. mom got me 5 new bead scents so i thought i definitely needed to try one out. getting the wax out from the last batch was difficult so i decided to put just a few drops of water in the dish before putting in the wax beads to be melted. (and actually, the beads are not really beads, they look more like lentil!) so there i am, eating my very weird lunch, watching a movie and i'm noticing that the 'candle' is making weird sounds. so i lean in to see what is going on and suddenly IT EXPLODED!!! literally, all over the coffee table, into the jar of peanut butter, i thought on my face but i must have good reflexes because i definitely jumped! aside from it scaring me, it was thoroughly entertaining!! and now i know definitely not to use the water under the wax trick with this candle (even though it works with other similar type candles!!) i thought about leaving the wax on the coffee table for sort of an artistic touch, but the realized that would just be silly. plus, i'm not that artistic! so it would surely come off as spilled wax before artistic!!

poor reminders..

2008-02-06T16:19:00.000-06:00

ok so as if i needed reminding again... today was yet another reminder of many things: my expectations are ridiculously high, i am too hard on myself, i dont just lose confidence when i dont know what i'm doing - my confidence completely disappears, i am an emotional girl, it pains me to live in this world, music is my drug of choice through which i escape from everything. i get frustrated when i feel like i just want it to be friday night. i feel like i'm wasting so many days. that's all..

You are a lover of words, someday you should write a book.

2008-02-04T18:34:00.000-06:00

it's interesting, sometimes words come so naturally, and sometimes they dont. i feel like writing, and yet i strongly feel like i'm supposed to just be quiet for now.

i think i cry because this isnt heaven..

2008-01-07T23:11:00.000-06:00

so i guess you could say i'm having a bad night. i feel continually on the verge of tears, just wanting a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a glimpse of heaven. not that life's been bad lately, it's been great, despite the severe lack of sleep, the headaches. really they're not a big deal. there are just some times when i feel overly aware that this isnt heaven, and that there's hurt and suffering and a lack of everything we were meant for. not even on purpose. hurtful words can be said completely unintentionally. actions can be taken without the intended consequences.

somehow, the little things that happen in my world that remind me that we live in this insane world desperately searching for something we rarely will admit, these little things continually remind me of kids who are orphans due to war, aids, famine, curable diseases, unclean water, kids that share a tiny hut with 8 others just like them. we're also so desperate in our own ways. it just hurts me to think about it, to think about this world in which we live.

and i know, a ton of people would say there are so many great things in this world. and i'm not trying to say i'm right or they're wrong, or they're right and i'm wrong. it's just the view from my eyes.

i cannot wait for a heaven without suffering and pain and tears, where finally everything is made right and there is true peace. and i hope that in the meantime, somehow more of that peace can come into this world.

the church

2007-12-09T00:54:00.000-06:00

well, it's interesting how these late nights work. everyone knows that we all get more thoughtful the later it gets, basically anything after midnight is either going to be brilliant or rediculous! the past few nights i've been feeling particularly thoughtful, about life, and many things in it. tonight my mind pauses at church, and faith i suppose. this morning i listened to a sermon by francis chan [holy spirit part 3 - podcast from cornerstone church simi valley CA] i didnt remember that i'd listened to it before, and it was just great. i liked it because it was so basic and straightforward. francis is always honest about stopping to think about the things that we sometimes say and do that are such second-nature to us, but in reality, are rather rediculous. anyway, point being that listening this morning, i feel like i've almost forgotten what it's like to have in common spiritual things with other people. meaning i've gotten to this place in life where i perhaps think i'm the only one thinking what i do about christianity. that yes, there are other christians out there, i'm friends with them and that's great, but that as far as where i'm at, my viewpoint, i feel like no one else has the same view. and i realized this morning and throughout the day that i miss sharing the same spiritual viewpoint with people. i miss togetherness of believers. i miss the church. not as i'd come to know it. and by no means do i fully understand what the church is/means/looks like/etc. but i've been remembering my freshman year of college, a group of my friends and i would get together monday/wednesday/friday nights at like 11pm and pray. i miss what that created among us. i miss the informality of it. i miss the ease - it wasnt a big ordeal, a big get dressed up, makeup on process of spending forever getting somewhere. it just was what it was, come as you were (normally that meant pjs), get to the point, live life together, be real. and.. i miss this. even now, after writing all that out, i miss it more that i realized i did when i started writing. and as i've typed, remembering the people that were there, i miss those people. for a long time now i've felt lost about the church. i think that's why i finally stopped going. i think what i had in ohio during college, that to me is the church. i'd like to have that in my life again, i just dont know if it's possible..

and as for these thoughts for the night, whether anyone else thinks so or not, to me, tonight's post-midnight thoughts go in the brilliance column.

Morning Thoughts

2007-12-06T06:55:00.000-06:00

It is so interesting where life takes us. I sit here this morning in my hotel room eating breakfast. a bowl of raisin bran, a biscuit with butter, an apple and bottled water. I look at my nicely furnished room, the 2 king beds i have the choice to sleep on. I can use as much or little heating or AC as i wish. All the while my fridge at home is virtually empty, my thermostat is off, and my money remains in my pocket.

And this morning, something Paul says in Philippians 4 came to mind "Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need." It's amazing to me that I can look back over the past 2 years and know that I have been prepared for this moment. My life is filled with abundance. I don't know what reality is, but I wonder if people read right over the part that says 'I have learned to abound'. to me, I don't read that as 'I've learned how to live luxuriously'. But for me it means that I know I have been given far more than I need. And as these past 2 years have taught me, I know that this abundance is not for me, I'm just a pass through. I can remember 2 years ago september when I first really saw abundance, and I remember feeling the tension, I actually remember praying "Lord, no more!" After that, my understanding grew, and the abundance continued. I pray for generosity, that I would always see my true place and my small hands. That I would give to my limits and maybe beyond. That I would give for God, not for me.

an inconvenient truth

2007-11-29T22:01:00.000-06:00

this is actually almost funny to be writing after seeing my last post pop up (referring to note on facebook) - that picture of a big, beautiful earth destroying SUV! okay okay, maybe, MAYBE earth destroying is a bit much... in thinking about my car, and wanting a new car, i started with the idea 'definitely not a jeep, they get 15/20 mpg! i should get a hybrid.. because they're cool.' which immediately turned into 'but hey, hybrid SUVs get about the same fuel efficiency as my current car, oooh, SUV, that would be fun.' that turned into 'well heck, there aren't many hybrid SUVs. and thier fuel efficiency actually doesnt really reach that of my current car...' that turned into 'oooooh, pretty SUV! 17/24 mpg... well, i do a lot of highway travel, and 24 is kinda close to 30. maybe that's not THAT bad'...

thank goodness i realized point A - that i couldnt possibly afford a hybrid SUV, not even a regular SUV. the cool factor literally took over within 24 hours. insane. not to mention "i should get a hybrid.. because they're cool"??? definitely missed the point there.

the fact is that i just finished watching a movie called "An Inconvenient Truth". and yeah, i'm now very concerned about this little planet we live on! the movie is kind of like a presentation put on by Al Gore about Global Warming - the evidence that shows that it's true. and if you honestly dont believe global warming is happening, i'd be more than curious to hear where you're coming from. because, to me, numbers and pictures like those shown in this documentary are shocking.

trash has been on my mind lately. not like my mind is in the gutter, literally thinking about the amount of trash we create. i go into stores to buy a pack of gum, and they stick it in a big plastic bag. what a waste! i subscribe to this thing called CoolPeopleCare - they send you an email everyday that tells you a way that you can literally change the world in under 5 minutes. one day was about excess i believe, and they linked to this guy, Chris Jordan, who artistically portrays it in ways that really get your attention. awesomely, the website is current and has a recent collection of his art. you should check it out here:http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php?id=%3fview=XXX_09NNN

in the meantime, here i am. wondering about this world that we're creating, that we think is so great, and in so many ways, it is. but in so many ways, it's not. but i dont know that i could honestly say that i believe in the human race enough to believe people would be willing to adjust their happy lives so that their grandchildren can enjoy what they enjoy now. we want instant gratification, instant everything, complete convenience. sorry grandkiddos.

i dont know if i believe i will change. but at least for me, i havent given up on the hope that i can change.

p.s. learn about global warming at www.climatecrisis.netand join coolpeoplecare at www.coolpeoplecare.com

how'd you spend your thanksgiving?!

2007-11-22T21:49:00.001-06:00

well, it has been a fun day in my household. after battling off (i hope) a cold of sorts, we got up this morning and after discussing how ridiculous it was that walmart was open on thanksgiving day, we decided to take advantage of it and pay them a visit! apparently since i was getting a new ipod, my brother got an xbox360. so, after my brother and i were recently exposed to guitar hero, that is what we went to purchase at walmart. $100 later we were home, hooked up, and rocking out. taking a break, we watched some football, and somehow talked ourselves into thinking i should get a new car. you see, when i was driving home last night, all the suv lights were blinding me b/c i sat so low to the ground. so i decided i needed to put an end to that. i was thinking a SUV hybrid. so, partway through the football game, we decided to go look at cars :) we found some really nifty ones, but upon arriving back at home, i realized that i still cannot afford a 30K car (seriously, who was i kidding!!!!) i am trying to set aside my desire for something new (i mean, seriously, pay more and get worse gas mileage.. a cool looking car just isnt worth it. if anything, i should buy a snazzy new regular sized hybrid so that i can get stinkin awesome gas mileage and be able to save up a load of money so that one day when SUV's become good for the environment i can buy one then.

so at this point in the day we're back to normal thanksgiving day activities, finishing touches on the meal. it was delicious and we all ate WAY too much. this was followed by a little more guitar hero, and then some chicken foot (with dessert - yumminess), and then just a little more guitar hero. yeah. part of me definitely wants the xbox so that i can have the guitar hero game.... but at the same time.. i know i'd end up just more distracted, having fun yes, but not spending my time doing things that actually have a purpose in this world. (after living in nashville, i can attest that this world actually does NOT need one more guitar hero. even tho i am the best in my family! ... of course.. maybe that is only because i'm the only one that hasnt been drinking tonight). tomorrow we will join the shopping world, probably buying the karaoke game for the xbox (mom thinks she'd like that better than guitar hero). also, we'll be scoping out digital cameras - while my brother and i love the ones we got several years ago, they are now a bit outdated at a mere 3.2 megapixels. i do wonder if i should really ask for a new one.. thinking about that, and my fixation on a new car... i appear to be getting seriously caught up in the junk of this world. a cushy life as a friend recently put it. we'll see. but for now, i should be getting to bed. whatever illness is trying to slow me down isnt quite gone yet, and a good night's rest would probably do it good.

10 Spontaneous Hours

2007-11-11T14:01:00.000-06:00

Well, last night ended up being random. Around 12:30 yesterday, I decided to take a random trip to Fayetteville to see the How Great is Our God Tour w/ Chris Tomlin & Louie Giglio. So I finished watching the Mizzou vs. Texas A&M game, hopped in my car, and drove nearly 3 hours to northwest arkansas. Didn't take anyone with me, didn't take anything with me, just took off. Haven't done something like that in years probably, since college in ohio i'd guess.
so there I was. the concert was at the university of arkansas, in their indoor track facility. definitely an absolutely horrible place to have a concert, but that's okay. since i waited until the day of the concert, i got just a general admission [way in the back] seat. it's worth saying that while i could hear chris and louie's voices, from where I was sitting, I could not make out their faces. so there i was, in the back, by myself, and of course, since we were in arkansas and this was a very 'family friendly' event, the crowd was very reserved. in fact, maybe it's just me, but every concert i go to - everyone seems reserved! tomlin's BGVs were very... animated you might say. it definitely felt like they were trying to perform for the crowd. the first song was Enough, and as I listened, I decided that indeed - God's grace was even enough for the cheesy christianity that i felt all around me. Hallelujah's and raised hands from people that i just wondered - is it real for them? do they really, REALLY mean it? or is it just tradition and culture built into people?
i think the real reason i wondered that is because of what the night meant for me. it's now been well over a month since i stopped going to church, and seeing as how many of tomlin's songs make up what the church sings, it's been a very long time since i've sang any of his songs. [i'm not even sure where his cd is at..] but at the start of the night i realized that something was different. i could sense how reading my bible actually has made a difference. singing the songs, things that i'd read in the gospels came to mind. things that jesus actually said and did were for once the basis of why i could confidently sing these songs. as the night went on, it started to wear off - which made me want and know that i needed more time reading, i want and need for the words of the bible to be a bigger part of who i am.
the last song of the night [no shocker here] was How Great is Our God. and honestly, I couldnt really sing along. i started to, but i started thinking 'why is our God great?' i dont know, maybe it's just me, but i'm not satisfied with some things that have happened in my life being the basis for why i can sing how great is our god. my life's just too small. i started wondering what leads other people, here and across the globe, to say truly how great is our god. and i wondered about scripture. for whatever reason, i started thinking about what i had read during the intermission - john 8. in there, jesus says "He who follows Me shall ... have the light of life." and i just started thinking this through. i wondered what 'light' meant - did it mean something like having the gift of life? and i started to come to the conclusion that the light of life/the gift of life - perhaps it means that he who follows jesus, what is then shining out of you is life. like, some people you meet and the energy they're giving off is just negative, or bitter, or complacent... but i think to me this verse means that what naturally shows out of you when you're following jesus is life - full life.
and so.. after thinking this through, to me, this gave me reason to sing how great is our god.
chris and louie didnt hang out afterward to say hello to anyone, and so i just left. came by myself, left by myself, but met with jesus while i was there. and that's a fantastic thing.

oh the future, oh today!

2007-11-07T20:45:00.000-06:00

what a time in life this is. i've spent a fair portion of today thinking about so many things - too many to even remember! thinking about old friends that i have so much in common with, where our lives have us today, and where they might have us in the future. in particular, today my mind has been on my dear friend Christina. she's in germany right now. actually, she's been living there most of the past year and is back for another year. she is such a cherished friend, even if it's been months and months since i've gotten to talk to her, and many months beyond that since i've seen her. i've thought about if it would be possible to go visit her, sometime in the future.
oh the future!
i was writing her a letter today (because real mail is still a great treasure!) and was just telling her how i've been reading the gospel according to john in these most recent days, and it is great! i have no idea what the future has in store, and we all know that i'm not one to set long range goals (or any goals really!), but i said to her 'when i stop and remember where i'm at and how God has been at work in me, i just overflow with joy and hope and ambition and excitement. it's odd, i dont know what the future holds and yet i feel so strongly about it.' it's truly something that i cannot explain.
oh today!
my day to day life is a continual battle - to go to bed early, get up on time, to stop eating the bad foods, to exercise, to turn off the tv and READ my bible! to write old friends, to stay positive at work and to work hard. to give people the benefit of the doubt and put myself out there. to make friends. to keep looking in the mirror and seeing a beautiful woman made by God rather than seeing my self doubts. today is hard, but it is so good!

these 12 hours at home are not enough!

2007-10-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

well, i must admit, nashville surprised me this weekend. i think i went in with pretty low expectations - not really having any idea who i would get to see or what i would spend my time doing. turns out i got to see so many more people than i expected, i didnt cry all weekend, and i knew the whole time that it was right for me to move and start life somewhere else. friday i spent quite a fair amount of time at emi, and i wish i could've stayed longer and talked to people more, but that'll be for another trip next spring. then i got to meet baby justus and see emily and that was great, then went and met allison and saw her new house and then went and was silly at the corn maze. and found out that it is true, i am still nowhere near 6 feet tall. saturday morning was relaxed, slept in, ate panera, and went to the franklin fall festival. then helped allison create her prom queen sash for the halloween parties, then had dinner with lauri [which was a true highlight of the weekend] then met allison at missy's halloween party where i saw so many unexpected faces - it was a delight. this morning, got up, got ready, ate more panera, did some reading, went and hung out w/ john and emily and justus some more and then headed out of town promptly at 1:45. drove for 5.15 hours, filled the gas tank and hit the grocery store, came home, made tacos, watched random things on tv, and now am trying to motivate myself to unpack/repack as fast as possible and go to bed b/c work comes at 7am followed by another drive tomorrow afternoon in order to spend another week in monticello. maybe i'll get lucky and we wont be there all week and i'd get to come back to little rock early. that would be AWESOME. i really like it here and i want to be here more often to really start getting to know the people i've met. in the meantime, i'm exhausted... need to figure out some clothes for the week and then go to bed..

and in fact, it is not poison ivy!

2007-10-21T21:22:00.001-05:00

well, a few things. for one, this morning my mom and i found pictures of poison ivy. grossness. which is to say that i do not have poison ivy - thank goodness, because if i did i dont think i could stand the sight of myself. i suppose it must purely be a random allergic reaction, go figure. the upside is that i have been getting to take benadryl every night which means great sleep, and the medicine is actually starting to work.

okay, with that said. as i was driving home from columbia today, for my 24 hours of niceness in little rock (the hours are so rare indeed) i got thinking about my trip to nashville this upcoming weekend, and i must admit, i got a bit concerned (mildly speaking) as my pleasant memories from nashville are few and far between, i got thinking that this weekend could be a painful trip back in time. after a few more times listening through my hillsong cd, i decided i was just being silly and opted to hope for the best for the weekend. come to find out, i probably wont get to see 75% of my friends from nashville, which is a bit disappointing, and yet, seemed to fall in line with my overall opinion of nashville and memories of said city. however, going back to what i agreed with earlier, i do believe everything turns out a certain way for a very certain reason, and i will stick with that. i am expecting a very terrific time at the switchfoot/relient k concert in jonesboro w/ little rock friend sara, plus staying in a cabin in the park that night is also greatness. so maybe i'll head home earlier sunday than expected, but that would only mean more time in little rock, which wouldnt be a bad thing.

so on that note, i want to go read and take benadryl and sleep my thoughts away!

could it really be poison ivy?

2007-10-20T21:34:00.000-05:00

okay. i know. this is not blog worthy at all. but i cant stand it. it appears that i have somehow gotten poison ivy. it is rapidly taking over and i cant take it! i dont remember the last time i had poison ivy, but i can tell you right now that whoever said that you shouldnt itch it is out of their minds! it itches so terribly badly how can you not give in to the pain of it all??? not that itching it ultimately helps in the end. i'm afraid it makes it worse, which means i have made my case HORRIBLY! worse! i dont know how to say no. i mean, unless i'm asleep, i'm 100% aware of this insanity. it wont go away, the benadryl is not helping like the pharmacist said it would! and whoever made aveeno itch cream and said it would actually help should be fired, as it does no such thing. i dont know how to make it go away. it's so sad. plus, the benadryl isnt even making me tired anymore, which would lead me to think i should take it during the day, but with my luck, if i took it tomorrow, i'd fall asleep driving back to little rock and that would be bad. it's a lose-lose situation as far as i can tell. unfortunate to say the least. not to mention, where did i get this poison ivy from? unless it was last week when i was adventuring through a random old quarry with my adventure buddy and we regularly remarked that we should watch out for poison ivy. i guess i need to learn my leaves, and wear gloves so that i cannot itch anymore. it's bad. and it's driving me crazy. thank you for letting me get that out :)

a picture of life

2007-09-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

this blog is dedicated to my posts of long ago where i would include a picture that tied to whatever i was thinking about. however, this will just be more pictures, less words [i think], just little notes about what the picture means to me. let's see how this goes.

this here. this is my favorite little mug. it came from finland. it has this precious little scene of peas in a pod. it's so cute. tonight i've been wishing i had the opportunity to purchase the whole set.

this is me on the big dam bridge with pinnacle mtn in the background. [doesnt quite look like colorado mtns huh?]

this is my moose picture that was printed in the newspaper in nederland, co.

this is andrew, me, liz, and katie on the porch at horseshoe canyon ranch, the place where i, at times, want to run away to. andrew, who will surely never see this, has no clue that i wish i could be his friend.

this is my very first time standing on a slackline. there are a multitude of emotions tied to this picture, few of which could actually be explained in words.

this is at the nashville rescue mission in nashville. this is what i wish more of my time in nashville would have looked like.

this pictures reminds me of the sweet, sweet children i got to just love ridiculously, who i'll always remember even though they'll never know who i am. tomorrow i start helping in the nursery at fellowship here in little rock and words cannot express how excited i am.

this picture is here to remind me of all the people from college that i miss so incredibly and am so thankful to have lived part of life with. in particular, this is my good friend matthew who recently got engaged.

oh, how i miss life like this moment. keelie and i built a tent in our living room. she is possibly the greatest person i've ever known.

what's interesting about this is that creating this post makes my heart ache like you would never believe. it's where my old email name [forever_bittersweet] came from. i dont know if other people are like this, but i cant help but look back over some of my past and just long for such great moments to happen all over again.

how i wish i could go back to the mainland...

2007-08-26T20:37:00.000-05:00

seems crazy to me that just earlier today, i came on here and thought wow.. it's been a long time since i've posted a blog, and as much as i wanted to post something, i thought 'yeah... i've got nothing to say'. but since earlier this afternoon, i came over to the clubhouse (as i dont get internet in my apartment) and the wifi is actually working! anyway...

I came over to try and find an old friend's blog. i had a dream the other night that i was moving into a new place, something like a hostel, and out of nowhere, this old friend is there, living there, and it was the most excited i'd been in quite a while. therefore i had to try and find this friend again in the online world because i've lost touch with so many people from my past... and incredibly, i found this friend, and in fact, found so much more.

right now i feel as my life has been flipped upside down. literally, in a 'if i stand up, i might be on my head trying to walk through the wall because i feel so backwards. here i am, i feel like i'm floating on an island through life by myself. and i cant figure out how to get off my alone island and onto the mainland where everyone else lives and interacts. recently, i paddled myself to a different side of the mainland, and sadly, it looks the same as it did before, and i still cant figure out how to get there. and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. more than that really. i dont know what i've done in somehow choosing to always leave the things that are great in life. i feel (like an idiot even saying that) like its because i've been off searching for my life instead of god. satan's gotta be happy with me over these past few years. i've felt lost and confused and chaotic and yet over and over again i never choose to search out god, cry out in desperateness, throw it all out there and wait on him. i dont know why. there's a fear engulfing every crater of my mind.

how i wish i could go back to the mainland and get off this island...

most girls in life want a happy ending.

2007-03-03T23:25:00.000-06:00

well, what a day. overall, i'd say i really didnt get much done. i woke up early. 8am without the alarm [as well as several times in the night before that] wasnt sure what to do today, so did the daily msnbc.com sudoku and jigsaw puzzles, then made some breakfast and found season 3 of beauty and the geek online so watched an episode of that, maybe 2 episodes. then made some cookies for my 1st graders for tomorrow... hmm, then oh yes, had lunch and watched special features from harry potter and the scorcerers stone (yes. i know i cant be spelling that right). finally took a shower and decided i'd go read for a while. that didnt last long as i got hungry for dinner. so i came home and made manicotti. it was delicious. i cant wait to eat leftovers. and make more manicotti again soon b/c i like it a lot. and while i was making it up until about an hour ago, watched the entire rest of the beauty and geek season. so this day flew by incredibly fast. not productive, but somewhat enjoyable. i enjoyed watching beauty and the geek. i enjoyed watching nate and jennylee get to know each other. i remembered that most girls in life want a happy ending. what's interesting is that i think there's something about our world today that makes this hard. i cant put my finger on it of course, but it sure does just make me realize how much times have changed, and how they will continue to change.

God Is Able

2007-02-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham. (Mt 3:9b)

God was able to do what he had promised. (Romans 4:21)

God is able to strengthen you according to my gospel and the preaching of Jesus Christ (Romans 16:25)

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. (2 Corinthians 9:8)

For because he himself has suffered when tempted, God is able to help those who are being tempted. (Hebrews 2:18)

God is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them. (Hebrews 7:25)

God is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy (Jude 1:24)

...sometimes we just need reminded that God is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think...

How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!

2007-02-03T13:01:00.000-06:00

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!" (Mark 10:23)

This morning takes me to the verse above. I feel very rich in this life. In so many ways. I have a family that loves me SO much. And I love them tremendously. I have a job that provides very good benefits. I dont live in need. It is truly rare for me to need something and not be able to get it. According to globalrichlist.com, I'm "in the TOP 8.33% richest people in the world!"

I am rich. And I feel the truth of the verse above. It is hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of God. I've been keeping an eye on another blog - 268blog.blogspot.com - and I can tell my heart is cold. Stories of GREAT things God is doing in peoples lives doesn't affect me. Luckily, there is a small amount of hope. I know God is still with me - I wouldn't care about not being affected by great stories of what God is doing if the Holy Spirit didn't live inside me. And while there is some reassurance in that, I know that I need to press on.

One month ago, I signed up to raise $3,000 to build a well in Africa. and so far, I've raised a whopping $120. As I look around, I know that I have so much stuff. I think I am going to have a garage sale, and all the proceeds will go toward the Well fund. I think I'll ask people I know if they have anything they're looking to get rid of, if maybe they'd like to put it in the garage sale. I believe I'll plan for the garage sale to be toward the beginning of March, when the weather warms up. So, if anyone wants to be a part, just let me know.

colossians.

2007-01-16T12:42:00.000-06:00

well, it's January 16th, 2007. i still cant decide what to blog about the Passion conference, but today I finally decided to stop delaying on something. last year at passion, louie randomly (i say randomly.. i know it really wasnt random) threw out the idea of memorizing the book of Colossians [a little book in the Bible]. he did it again this year at passion as well. so i've finally started. so far i've done 2 verses. it's not much but it's a start. here's what it is so far:

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, to all the saints and faithful brothers in Christ at Colossae, Grace to you and peace from God our Father."

i wish i read my bible more, but i havent been. i dont know if i'll have more desire to memorize than i've had to read [or i guess i dont know if i'll act on this desire more]. we'll see

who i want to be

2006-12-10T22:58:00.000-06:00

well, i dont want to make this long - as my roommate is trying to sleep, but i just read this and it really struck me as something i want to be true about me. it's in an article about discipline [if you'd like to read the full article by Reid Monaghan, click here]

"The believer therefore will desire to be intimately involved with the Bible. She will want to hear it taught and preached regularly. She will want to memorize it, hiding it in her heart. She will want to meditate, think deeply upon, and ponder the wisdom of the Word of God. She will want to read it daily for encouragement and study it deeply so to grasp its truth. She will want to know the Word in order to know God and thereby be able to lead others to the same fountains to drink."

i know for now this is still just a desire within me, as Paul says in Philippians 3, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." perhaps this is a good description of who i want to press on to be...

unexpected tears.

2006-12-10T12:29:00.000-06:00

so. in case you didnt know, girls cry. in fact - this girl cries often. 3 times at least in the past 72 hours. i like it that girls cry [i mean, its quite alright that guys cry too, but i feel like crying is a beautiful part of being a girl]. true.. it probably just weirds a guy out when a girl is crying. someone told me once that it's because guys like to fix things. and when a girl is crying, she isn't looking for something to be fixed, she's not in the middle of a situation in which a solution is the best thing. girls are experience-oriented. its good to cry simply to be crying. i think it's just the way we're wired. well, i cried at work friday for numerous reasons and saw how great God is in the people he's surrounded me with [even thinking about them now nearly makes me cry again]. i cried friday night at Gaither - no, not because of the gaithers or their friends :) but because of terrible pain that i couldnt control and this happening in the midst of like thousands of people. poor clint was a real trooper for staying with me - i dont think i communicated how much i appreciated him staying with me til nicole got there, but i did. a lot. and then i cried this morning..

after the trip to the ER on friday, i decided that the whole weekend would be shut down and reserved for lots of rest. which included not going to church this morning. it's actually been incredibly wonderful to get up without at alarm, take a shower, get laundry done, and listen to a sermon from my church in ohio. the sermon was about being salt and light in the world. Rob [the pastor] - his heart just cries out for a world that doesnt know Jesus. my heart hurt with his because my heart doesnt cry out for the world. i've been very self-focused recently... some could blame it on being sick. but i know really that's no excuse. i havent been acting like i really believe that Jesus is who he claims to be. one of my favorite things that jon foreman regularly says [forgive me for paraphrasing here] is that claiming to do anything 'christian' [whether that's claiming to be a christian, play christian music, etc] is a very bold statement and one that he would never make off the cuff. its my favorite thing that he says because anytime i read an interview where he's talking about this, it makes me terribly uncomfortable, uneasy, and challenged - because i'll make the 'christian' claim pretty easily, without taking living it seriously.

i thought about a friend who is returning from europe on tuesday - she loves jesus, and while it may make me uneasy to be around her because of it, i know it's a good thing. oh, i so often credit myself for being more mature in my faith than i am. sure, i may be mature in some aspects, but really... the lack of maturity comes in admitting that i'm still such a child, with so much growing to do, so much to learn. in the sermon this morning, rob was talking about the light and how people will either react like cochroaches or like moths. cochroaches run from the light, but moths flutter to it. i feel like a moth with my friend - the light may be startling, but i just keep wanting to fly toward it. after the sermon, a song came on my itunes by MercyMe. now, i fully know that i shouldnt be posting song lyrics on here, especially a whole song's worth. but i feel like a musician who wants their music to reach people for jesus would want lyrics to be shared like this, because they've touched a live, much moreso than they want their copyright protected. so here are the lyrics to the song that ended my morning [with tears] - it is off MercyMe's new album and i would highly recommend you buying at least the song because it's worth it. It's called "Where I Belong"

Everybody hopes that maybe somewhere down this road we'd finally find the place where we belong
The place where we're complete, the one that occupies our dreams, that place we're lucky to call our home.
Well I have arrived and I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands and shout Your name to praise You with my song
My dream's at hand, I've found my place, the place where I belong.
Everybody tries to find the purpose for their lives in hopes that one more day is justified.
But once you truly see the very reason why you breathe it becomes so much more than getting by.

some stories just need to be shared.

2006-12-06T21:45:00.000-06:00

well, it's been an intersting past 24 hours.. i havent been feeling all that well since driving back from missouri last sunday, but i thought i was getting better. well, come monday, someone i went to belmont with tells me he wants to set me up on a blind date with one of his friends. now, if you know me, you know i'd never expect to go on a blind date, but for some reason this was different. so i told him that if his friend was up for it, i'd be happy to go. turns out the blind date would actually happen [which surprised me]. so tuesday at work we were having a department lunch, at which time i went from feeling relatively better [health-wise] to 10 times worse. i was frustrated. if the blind date werent scheduled that night, i surely would have just gone home immediate to rest but i didnt want to back out on the guy, plus after talking to our mutual friend, i'll admit i was pretty curious to meet the guy. so i call my doctor to schedule an appointment for today, take a bit of medicine and begin to feel relatively better.

i leave work and somehow find my way to his place right on time. so we get in his car and head toward our destination. at this point, it's right in the middle of rush hour traffic and we're in the middle of a 4 lane highway, stopped behind a line of cars. well.. there was a semi coming to a stop behind us, but when a car moved into our lane in front of the truck, he didnt have as much time to stop as expected and slammed into the car behind us, which of course then slammed into us. so here we are, pretty much strangers and have just gotten in a car accident on 65N at vietnam vet's blvd. [i say that because i laughed, thinking of how many times i'd heard the radio traffic report mention that a wreck has been picked up at this exact location.] so we call 911 and the cops are on the way, get out to check on the other car and semi - no one is injured thank goodness, and miraculously, the car i was in had no damage.. maybe a scratch on the bumper but that was it. so we eventually pull over, and have probably a good 30-45 minutes to just sit, wait for the cops, and chat. what an entertaining start to the evening that's for sure. finally we're released to go and we proceed with the night. turned out to be a pretty fun time in my opinion, not awkward at all as some would expect on a blind date. i make it home a little after midnight - at this point all medicine taken earlier in the day has worn off, and a bit of soreness from the wreck has set in.

SO, i go to sleep, wake up today feeling essentially terrible. after trying unsuccessfully to convince myself that i felt bad enough to stay home, i head to the office. on my way in, decide i'm just being silly and should have stayed home! however, i'll go in for a short while and take care of a few things that needed to get done, then return home. my boss agrees this is a good idea. i get home around 10 and sleep until my doctor's appointment at 2:15. at the doctor's office, i find out that i most likely have strep throat and thus am contageous. [aka was also contageous last night... on my blind date]. so i'm now on medications, emailed the guy from last night apologizing that i potentially could have passed on this sickness, and am trying to get better as fast as possible. i really need to be better and not contageous soon, because our christmas giveaway is supposed to be tomorrow and friday and if i miss it, i will be incredibly sad :(

i dont know about you, but i find that whole string of events quite humorous - by far one of the better stories in my life as of late. for this reason, i couldnt help but share it [not to mention because i've slept all day and cannot breathe through my nose, i cant fall asleep again right now and figured this would be a good way to pass the time.] i hope you enjoyed the story.

humbled and loving it

2006-11-20T17:55:00.000-06:00

well... if you know me, you know that i'm certainly not great at keeping in touch with people. i've begun to recognize that it's rooted in selfishness. oh, how selfishness is written all over my life, and it seems the older i get, the more i see the selfishness wrapped around me. i have glimpses of my past, and remember the child i once was - i dont know if this is normal or not, but there are things about my childhood - parts of my character - that i miss. it keeps coming back to this scripture that i've read so many times

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith... ~Philippians 1:18-25

It amazes me how there are so many layers of meaning in scripture, the more you seek, the more layers continue to be revealed. My mind has been swirling around the concept of living for another person's progress and joy in the faith. What does that mean? and what does that look like? what does it mean for that to drive every action of my day? feel free to ponder this with me.

come with me full circle

2006-11-19T23:05:00.000-06:00

well... i really should be asleep right now. i should have been asleep 2 and a half hours ago. if i fall asleep right now, it'd mean 5 and a half hours of sleep. but i feel like my mind is spinning. i needed to put away laundry that i did today. instead, it's sitting on my bed. i wanted to read the yoga magazine and national geographic magazine i got earlier today, but i havent. i want to have read my bible today, but i didnt. i have a ton to do at work the next 2 and a half days. i'm not sure how to be super diligent while at work so that everything gets done. maybe i'll turn IM off. that thought actually calms me down a bit. i like it a lot actually. maybe enough to actually go to sleep. maybe i'll turn some phil wickham on to fall asleep to. now that is a grand idea...

but while i'm here.. i guess i can update life real quick. i'm excited to be going home for thanksgiving - i expect it to be super busy and not 'relaxing' per se.. [maybe i dont really know what a relaxing vacation looks like... i think i'm always looking for a mysterious something else, but, in not knowing what exactly it is that i'm looking for, i live in a terrible inbetween world. but that's a long thought for another blog]. anyway. home will be much fun with the family. last week i got to go to the phil wickham/audio adrenaline/mercyme show. actually paid for our tickets. it was nice to just be a regular fan again [altho our seats did end up being right in front of the soundbooth area. we stood with our arms crossed and smug looks a lot, laughing that we felt like snobby music people. luckily when audioa played, it was back to the high school days and the music industry disappeared momentarily]. i'll miss audio adrenaline - they had a place in this world that is so unique. there may be music out there like theirs, but there is something very different about an audio adrenaline concert.. i should know. it was good to be reminded of this...

this weekend was not too shabby, hung out with a lot of people that are very different from me - by that of course i mean different from the crowd of people i'm used to [like i had before i moved south]. it challenged me in ways, i bit my lip a lot to not run my mouth and be opinionated. and i was nearing melancholy most evenings, but wasnt going to pretend to be cheerful just for the sake of appearing cheerful. and here we are, sunday evening, a chance of flurries in the air tonight, and an early alarm tomorrow morning. my eyes are starting to burn. they need sleep. i need rest. i need time with jesus in the morning. and i need a productive day tomorrow. but mostly, i just need jesus.

more Jesus

2006-07-15T01:15:00.000-05:00

wow. it has been a while since i've written around here. it's already like 1am and i definitely am taking my car to get the emissions tested at 7am. that's not very soon. i'm predicting a very unproductive weekend. it will most likely entail getting the car tested tomorrow, and then coming back and taking a nap (or going to the gym, and then taking a nap). either way, i forsee a nap tomorrow! and grocery shopping.

anyway. now i'm just talking silly because it's 1am.
on a more serious note. i am looking forward to a call from my friend emily tomorrow [hopefully]. she and her husband, they are meditating on the Word all the time, like ALL the time all the time. and i, well, i read... but it's like someone saying they're going to lay out but then they sit in the shade under and umbrella and they never get any sun. so anyway. i called her earlier to ask her if she could teach me. i've noticed a lot of stuff in my life lately that is just false [meaning a lot of different things] and i honestly think it's from a lack of Jesus. that sounds strange, i know. but anyway, i think it's true. so hopefully emily will be willing to help if she can. okay. i'm staring to feel very very VERY sleepy. and. yeah. i'll leave it at that. there's something to learning to keep your mouth shut. it's hard - and against our nature. but again. more Jesus... okay. g'nite.

Fabulous

2006-04-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

that is the word to describe today - FABULOUS! i am so happy that SPRING is here, not summer yet!! the week with high 80 degrees temperature was going to be hard to take, but we're sitting in the 70s (at least when i see daylight that's the temp) and it is awesome! i decided i'd like to go to refuge tonight b/c it may be the last one of the semester (or close) and so i got up early this morning to exercise. my plan was to just walk/run what i could while i listened to a mars hill sermon and it was great. the sermon was SOOOO what i needed to hear.

Mark Driscoll spoke on Ecclesiastes 6 - talking about contentment and enjoyment.. the thing he said was that if we dont enjoy what we've already been given, the likelihood of being given something else and actually enjoying that was very small - ie if we dont enjoy where we live now, getting a bigger house would not automatically mean we'd enjoy where we lived - if we don't enjoy our job, getting a new job wouldnt automatically be more enjoyable, etc. and interestingly, he said we dont innately have the ability to enjoy the things we've been given, but rather that it is not only God that gives us everything in life to enjoy, but it is also God that gives us the ability to enjoy them. and if we're not enjoying what we have been given - reality is probably that there's something wrong with us - not the things we're given.
and so my prayer has become what he suggested "God, please change me before you change my life circumstances."

i'm not sure how to continually be reminded of all that as the day goes on - i'm apparently really good at forgetting key stuff like God is good and He is with me, even here in my little cubicle", but as much as i can remember i'll just keep asking to be reminded and to be given the ability to enjoy what I've been given.

on a side note - scripture to ponder: 1 Samuel 25 - it's got me stumped today so you feel free to share your thoughts!!

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa (or Rau or Raudy...whatever you know me as!)

crowder in dayton ohio!!!

2006-04-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

yeah... basically. i'm excited. i've just learned that the david crowder band is going to be playing in none other than DAYTON OHIO on june 17th which is like 2 months away. it is free. it is a saturday which means i indeed will be driving up saturday morning, going beyond crazy saturday nite, and going to APEX sunday morning (what could be better) and then driving back to nashville. frankly, it is a fantastic weekend to look forward to!

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

the mission

2006-04-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

so, today was a good day. work was incredibly slow and unproductive, but i didnt have as horrible an attitude while it was slow and unproductive so that was good. but really what was good about today was that during the day, i got to go down to the nashville rescue mission. i had a meeting set up with cliff tredway (sp?) and he gave me the whole tour and explanation of everything that goes on at the mission. it was really neat just hearing about what's going on there.. and i think cliff said it best when he said 'if jesus were to drop back by the earth, i think he'd be more likely to come to the mission than any church around here'. God is at work at the mission and it draws me there. i can't wait to get involved, doing whatever i can do to help, bring a smile, and maybe some homemade cookies to some men and women who could use a smile! as i was driving home i was just thinking about a few things and well, since i dont really have anyone to share the thoughts with, i'm just going to put them out here and well, if anyone actually reads them then cool, and if not, that's nothing out of the ordinary.

thought 1:
some people have a deep ache inside because they desperately need God's love. other people have a deep ache inside because they desperately need to share God's love. i realized that there are times where i feel down and frustrated and lonely in a sense, but it's not because i'm not loved - it's because i'm filled to the brim and have a lot of love to offer others!

thought 2:
there are not many times in life that i feel beautiful. i dont look in the mirror and see a pretty girl, or think that i look nice when i dress up (i do severely lack any fashion sense). but recently, there have been a few times where i've been interacting with people and i just get this sense that they like me and in some way are drawn to me... but what's been cool is that it hasnt been a sense of them likely me because of me, but it's only because of Jesus in me! and that thought... oh man... it makes my heart flutter. to think that anyone just might be drawn to me because it's Jesus - i feel beautiful. there's no other way to put it, but it just makes me feel BEAUTIFUL!!! and i thought, dang, there is nothing better - no guy telling me he thinks i'm pretty could ever be better than someone being loved and encouraged by Jesus in me. wow...

thought 3:
as i was driving back to work from the mission, i was just thinking about the men that i had seen, and i just kept thinking hope and what i could do to be a part there, what could i bring. and i thought, i know it's silly, but i LOVE to make cookies. i love to make cookies for other people. and so i just started wondering if there was a way that i could make cookies for the guys that are in the program at the mission. people just seem to feel special when someone brings them homemade cookies - with them in mind! so i'd like to look into that! and the other thing i just kept thinking was organizing some sort of talent show with the guys in the program.. but i just got a vision of it in my mind... there was a song on the radio by audio adrenaline (called "starting over") and it has this line that says "look at your face, it doesn't shine the way it used to".. and when i first hear that, i immediately think of the joy being missing from someone's face - that they dont have the joyous glow that they used to. but as i was driving today - i pictured just the opposite. for these guys that are going through the program at the mission, who are really pushing and trying to get back on their feet - i see their faces shining in a new way - now WITH joy, not like they used to - without hope. it's just a picture that i love. it makes me so excited to get involved.

so... i guess those were all my thoughts. it's been nice thinking about them again. thanks for letting me share them.

"In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory." ~Ephesians 1:13-14

for the praise of His glory,
rau

more drugs, then sleep. good combination.

2006-03-24T23:41:00.000-06:00

so it's been a while. not as long a while as i had thought, but anyway... i dont know why i'm procrastinating sleep. i have a cold and really should be sleeping the weekend away. my head feels very stuffy right now. i just recently got home from watching a movie. elizabethtown. not bad. orlando bloom did a good job when he wasnt talking. just something about his speaking parts weirded me out.. (listen to me. being a movie critic. how ridiculous.) but no, the movie seemed a little odd to me to start with but by the end, it was good. gave me that idealistic view of the world that i love to live in. that type of moment where you wish your life was like a movie. to me, that means i wish my life was set to music. i dunno, i'm weird. right now i'm listening to This World Fair. they're pretty cool. i want to say they're pretty rad - in an attempt to sound cool, but let's face it - i'm not cool. rad is not a regular part of my vocabulary. but that's okay. if the world wasnt made up of different people, who wants that? i dont. i decided recently that i was tired of being around people that were just like me. unfortunately i have not made strong attempts to be around people that are different than me. well.. i could try to make an excuse and say that really a lot of people in nashville are different from me. musicians. TOTALLY different world i tell you. so i go to this thing called Inversion - i dont fit in there really. but do i just try to get to know people and enjoy our differences? no. i just try to find people like me and be around them. and if we rewind, we remember that they really arent that many people like me. thus i just kind of stick to being a wallflower. and such is life.

in other news.. well, i still live in nashville and work at EMI. my boss has been out of town all week. i've missed him. i'll be happy for him to return on monday altho i dont know how thrilled he will be to be back. see, my boss is cool - every once in a while we have these great discussions normally started by some very random question that i come up with. questions that i never have an answer to, but my boss likes to try to come up with answers to. so our conversations run in circles but they're fun anyway.

ah. it makes these life changes that might be happening soon kind of hard. but those are for another day. speaking of another day. i think i need to sleep into another day, b/c i'm feeling rather sickly. i'm gonna try to get up and get to the powersculpting class at 9:30, but unfortunately it is not looking very likely with how i'm feeling. i guess working out can be put on hold. alright. more drugs, then sleep. good combination.

for the praise of His glory,
rau.

good day!

2006-01-28T23:36:00.000-06:00

so today was a great day! the weather was perfect for hiking so i went for a trail run (well, half run half walk) but it was AWESOME!! i even made good time, seeing as how i hadnt run the trail in a while. and then i came home and cooked for real! that was exciting! and watched Raise Your Voice (yes, the hilary duff movie) and yes, i actually liked it! and my liking it is not solely based on the fact that oliver james is in it... although he certainly added to the movie. and yes, now i'm watching what a girl wants (yes.. oliver james is in this too... are you noticing a trend) i love his style in these movies.. i'd love to meet a guy in the real world that had his same look. I've told God this... but i know He knows what's best, so i'm just leaving it up to him :) okay.. gotta get back to the movie.. oliver enters the scene soon! lol...

sometimes life hurts

2006-01-21T23:23:00.000-06:00

so.. i've discovered that my computer hooked up in one certain place picks up a neighbors wireless internet, which means maybe i can start blogging again more often.

for now, just a simple blog... ridicule. that's the word i've been searching for. i thought it was mockery, but i think ridicule is more accurate. dictionary.com says the definition is 'making fun of'. i feel like this is the only suffering i encounter... its hard tho.. being made fun of. i think people forget how much it hurts a person to make fun of them.

tonite marks the second time that it's happened in my own apartment... and basically.. it just hurts. but it makes me lean on Christ, to know that i find refuge in the shadow of his wing, and it reminds me of psalm 16:6 "the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely i have a delightful inheritance".

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

heart throbbing moments

2005-12-06T11:09:00.000-06:00

so yes, i know i'm at work. i should be working, but i just have to do this real quick b/c i am listening to the Narnia album while i'm working and it just makes my heart LEAP within me! this music, it just pulls at my heart, something in it grips me, draws me out and gets me sooooo excited. i just want to get up and dance! but that is very inappropriate at work (doesn't stop me from tapping my foot though!) anyway, i just love music, i love when music reminds of why i came here, why i went down this path - b/c i feel the passion building within me. i think it also has something to do with the fact that we're seeing the narnia movie on thursday and the movie and music combo really gets me pumped. i think down the road i need to be working with music in movies... i dont know how i can get prepared for that, but it does consistently seem to burn a fire within me!! okay. that is enough. back to work!

just another day.

2005-12-03T18:37:00.000-06:00

so... can i just say that i'm overly happy because i think my computer is fixed and thus it is running smoothly. this is great. especially because an hour ago i wanted to throw the computer across the room. luckily aimee talked me out of that. and coldplay just came on the radio. and this also makes me happy. if only i had my coldplay cd to play on the way home. i'm at belmont right now. in fact, i've been here since 10:00 this morning. yeah, that was almost 9 hours ago. it's weird just hanging out here (particularly because no one is with me). good thing i still look like i'm 18 and thus no one thinks i'm crazy. (execpt for me of course). well... that's all i wanted to say really. to document that i am overly happy because my computer is working again. i'm in a relatively better mood than i was in 15 minutes ago. i wish i had friends. no one really believes me when i say that i dont have many friends, but it's true. it's hard to think about the next 60 years of life if nothing changes relative to the friend arena. part of me is kind of down-hearted (if that's a word) about it. because i think - even if i found some people and had a good group of friends again, most likely they'd all get married relatively soon anyway and being single is just different than being married. period. i dont know really what to think about that. anyway, i'm getting pretty hungry, i think i need to go home and fix some dinner. and hopefully read my bible. which i actually want to do. here's the verse i just couldn't get past the other day when i was reading. i think it's great.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." ~2 Peter 1:3-4

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

it's cold. saturday. and i'm bored out of my mind...

2005-11-19T13:28:00.000-06:00

well... i didnt plan my time very well today... i went to something at my church this morning and that was grand. and then i drove and had lunch at panera and that was pretty tasty. and then i decided that i would just come and hang out at jjs until keelie got off work.... and i thought, hey.. i dont have internet at home.. surely i will have plenty i'll want to do while she's working to keep busy, but no... it seems like there should be many better things for me to be doing with my time right now, and it's cold, so i'm not thrilled just be sitting here. however, i guess i can try to make the most out of the situation (or just leave and come back in an hour and a half..)

so i just hit my 6th month mark at work this past week. how cool is that? i must admit that i myself was hesitant as to whether i would make it this far. it's still about the same. i'm not in love with my job, but i work with some pretty great people. it's weird to go from college to work in that now my co-workers are my family in a sense, being that they're the people i am with 5 of 7 days a week. it's a weird concept to spend so much time with people and not know them very well.. anyway.. i think i'm going to look at houses online. OOOOH. that's what i was going to do! look at my finances!! duh! how great! now all is better!!

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. ~Micah 6:8

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

cozy moments or (gloves and sleeping bags!)

2005-11-08T12:29:00.000-06:00

Well, just thought I'd take a little visit to my blog while I'm on my lunch break. i do miss having the internet at home and being able to get on and blog any time. blog... seriously, who came up with that term? it is just pure silliness.

anyway, so yeah, i'm at work, a week from tomorrow is my 6th month mark! that is exciting, i've almost made it 6 months! yesterday and today have both flown by so fast at work - that really is quite a feat, i dont know how it happened, but i'm loving it!!! i wish everyday went by this fast. and even tho it's 80 degrees outside (yeah, nov. 8th and 80 degrees... that also makes no sense!) however, my work is sooo thoughtful - they realize that the temperature outside should really be closer to 65 and so since it's not that cool outside, they let the office be 65 degrees instead!!!! so i dress in layers, in fact, my fingers are so chilly now that i'm going to put on gloves ... okay check .. gloves on... typing feels pretty funny bc i dont think i'm hitting the right keys, but for the most part i am!

anyway, what else. i'm looking to make a big investment at rei today - buying a new sleeping bag! the one i want is $169 which is basically rediculous to spend on a sleeping bag it seems, but it's a reallyreally really nice one and hey, if it means i can actually go camping for real, then i'm all about it! i'm going to try to postpone buying new boots and bag, but we'll see.

this weekend is going to be great - finally getting to go back to Apex and to dayton...i still laugh everytime i say that b/c to be excited to be going back to dayton is really funny b/c dayton is a basically ghetto town, i never thought i'd want to go back there or miss it so often. but i do. i'll be missing a big event at my own church here in nashville this weekend and that is unfortunate, but i think it will be worth it.

other exciting news, my brother just got a new job!!!! he is moving to st. louis which means that's what we may spend our thanksgiving break doing - moving him into a new apartment! my mom seemed to feel bad if that's what we did all break, but i think it's great! anytime i get to spend with my family i just love. i swear, i just love them more and more and more every day. and to get to help jake transition, i'd feel pretty lucky to get to be a part of that.

well... lunch break is over. time to go back to work! (the gloves are making a huge difference by the way!) here's a picture of the sleeping bag i'm going to try to buy! too bad i dont even know how to say the name of it! doesn't it look cozy! i'll be sure to let you know!!

But King David replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the LORD what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing." ~1 chronicles 21:24

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

the moments inbetween the driving

2005-10-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

okay... this is going to be very fast b/c i am super tired. today was quite a long day. got to columbia last nite at 11:30. got up this morning at 7:15, came back and got ready, then left and went tailgating w/ my parents to the MU vs. Nebraska game, then went and got fitted for a dress (which really wasn't getting fitted... it was just giving them my measurements which i could have done over the phone). then came home, watched the game on tv and napped, then went back out w/ parents and their friends - went to addisons and then quintons. luckily everyone pretty much had drank their fill for the day so we didnt go to the fieldhouse. instead came home, watched a movie, then rudy (my dog -- as seen in the picture) decided to sneak out the front door while it was open. freaked us all out. we all take off running looking for him. i was running barefoot (and the ground was wet b/c it was raining and it is only like 50 degrees outside). luckily when he saw my mom he went right to her. but we were all scared. then watched a little more football and now are finally going to bed. tomorrow we're having a big breakfast, then just relaxing w/ the parents (hopefully) and then probably leaving around 2 to head back to nashville, to try and get there by 9, in which i will get in, unload my stuff, pack all my bags for monday and then go to bed again... basically, i need to go to sleep! bye!

home and apex and crowder and robbie seay and ??

2005-10-20T13:07:00.000-05:00

so it's only been 3 days since my last post - which is virtually shocking seeing as how i normally go at least a month. anyway, i was not in the mood to write emails for the rest of my lunch break, so i decided to write here for a bit.

i'm going to a corn maze tonight with the young adult/college group from church. i'm pretty hesitant - going by myself, dont really know anyone, and have some tough stereotypes already built in my head as to what i should expect...that can't be healthy. but i'm sucking it up, skipping my bible study (even tho this is the first time in a month that i've actually finished the week's study on time), and going to a stinkin corn maze with a bunch of (probably married) strangers. i'd really love for it to break all the thoughts i have about it not being any good - its very selfish though.

more exciting news is upcoming travels. tomorrow i am going home, back to missouri - i have to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. the rest of the time will just be relaxation, play with the greatest dog in the whole world (maybe i'll post a pic of him while i'm home), read, and spend time with my awesome family. then, in 3 weeks (i think), if all goes well, i will be heading back to my old stomping grounds of Dayton, OH - going to APEX (yeah. that would rock my world), and seeing David Crowder, Robbie Seay, and Shane & Shane all in one show. basically it would just be stinkin fantabulous. i hope it will work out. i'll know monday. well.. that is my exciting news.. i believe i'm going to try and call an old dayton buddy real quick and say hello, then its back to work.

"Ascribe to the Lord, O families of nations, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength, ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness." - 1 Chronicles 16:28-29

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

life without purpose

2005-10-17T18:09:00.000-05:00

Today has been a really rough day...nothing bad has happened, i wasn't busy, overwhelmed, making tough decisions, none of that. so why in the world would it be a rough day. there are a lot of thoughts in my head, i dont even know how to sort them out.

hinds feet & much afraid & the journey through the forest of danger and tribulation
life without purpose
damien rice song
student2student email

that is my list to try and make this make sense. i'll start with Much-Afraid. she's a character in a book called Hinds Feet On High Places. its up there as one of my favorite books of all time and i'm reading it again. the book is about Much Afraid's life story - she comes from the Fearing family, and lives in the Valley of Humiliation, but she works for the Chief Shepherd. The story begins by Much-Afraid asking the Chief Shepherd if she can ever go with Him to the High Places (where He lives). The story that follows is her journey to the High Places. One part of the journey is through the forest of danger and tribulation. it stands out in my head for a few reasons - up til that point on the journey, she always feared and dreaded anything that she encountered that was not just simple crossing a flat path- things like scaling a mountain wall, trekking through a vast desert (which may not sound bad, but the path took her in the direct opposite direction of the High Places that she was trying to get to). then she gets to the forest of danger and tribulation and though it is continuously storming or completely cloaked with a dense mist, all she has to do is walk through it. as she's making her way, she begins to realize how this, what she thought she wanted the whole journey to be like, was actually the worst part - there was no challenge, nothing to conquer and overcome - just walk. somehow, i can relate to this right now. ( i could say a lot more about this book, but you might as well just go read it.)

what now.. we'll move on to damien rice. so i'm at work today. it was just a forest of danger and tribulation type day. just trudging along, nothing more. silly me (so much like Much-Afraid), i fed the emotion and put in mood music - damien rice and one song sang thing "and so it is just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me most of the time; and so it is the shorter story, no love no glory, no hero in her sky". again, another snapshot that could be added to a collage and represent my life - no love, no glory, everything just goes easy, no ups or downs, just trudging along.

and the more i sat here at my computer, as the time passed, as my mind wandered, it was like a marquee running through my head. it wouldnt stop. it just kept playing the same thing over and over 'my life has no purpse my life has no purpose my life has no purpose'. and the more i sat here at my computer, as the time passed, as my mind wandered i began to think how perfectly my job fit into my life. as if a second marquee scrolled beneath the first, and the second repeated over and over 'my job has no purpose my job has no purpose my job has no purpose'. i got a phone call and left my desk, as i was walking i felt like satan was just pounding on me, throwing punches and i was just taking it. i got back to my desk, looked at my clock and saw that it was 5:30. a sigh of relief. work over.

so i checked my email, as i do before i go home each night, i had one email - from a series of emails that i normally delete without even opening. but i opened this one, and i only read one line of it. this is what it said, "Never forget that people are hurting under the surface, and they NEED and WANT to know Christ". i've heard that said before many times, but i think i heard it differently today because i can relate to it. not just relate, you can replace the word people with my name 'never forget that melissa is hurting under the surface, and she NEEDs and WANTs to know Christ'. its true, so incredibly true. catch any other person at a time of vulnerability and they'd probably say the same thing. i never remember that. i never see someone and think what's hurting beneath the surface. last nite as i was trying to go to sleep, my mind was just whirling, it wouldnt stop. but for a minute, one of those thoughts was 'you know, my mind is always like this, its always got something to deal with - i wonder if other people are like that too?' i see people, i forget that they're like me, that i'm like them, that each person everywhere has a whole world that they're in, millions of things going on, chaos.

i still feel like my life has no purpose, and i'm certainly not convinced that my job is any better. last nite, as i was thinking about Much-Afraid. before she began her journey to the High Places, she lived in the Valley of Humiliation. she was one of the Chief Shepherd's flock though - she was in, and she could have stayed there, lived her whole life there, in the service of the Chief Shepherd, never taking the journey to the High Places. i wonder if most of us never leave the valley...

for the praise of His glory,
melissa.

sometimes everything is just a big blur.

2005-10-03T20:43:00.001-05:00

So not having the internet at my apartment is really starting to catch up with me... i miss being able to write here on a whim. it means that when i finally do get back here, i never know what to say... its approaching 2 months since i've last been here. all in all, i'm not sure a lot has happened. work is still work. probably the biggest thing was going on a cruise with my family. right when hurricane rita was coming through. despite the hurricane and sleeping on dramamine every night, it was quite a good time. i played a lot of bingo and won $600. the bingo boys were nice - one of them was british so i enjoyed whenever he spoke. but at least i realized that i should basically forget he exists. in case you dont know me very well, i have a hard time meetings guys, when they pay any attention to me (even if it's their job - like the good folks on the cruise) .. i think it has something to do with my imagination runs away with me b/c deep down its like i dont believe i could ever really meet a great guy that God wants me to meet and get to know... but since i've been back, i just keep coming back to this thought:

...someday my prince will come...

stopping and believing helps me, reminds me that i dont just want any guy, at any time in my life - i want the right guy, at the exact right time, which is only something God knows and can work out .. so i'll just leave it to him!

other news around the world... i've decided that most adults don't know what to do with people like me - people like me being single people fresh out of college. it is quite frustrating. it is a problem which i am still looking for a solution for.

so that's about it. life still gets lonely. i still am not as disciplined as i'd like to be (like now). nashville keeps running out of gas (yeah, i went to a gas station again tonite and it all said 'no gas').

but in all of this, God is still good, always faithful, full of lovingkindness. church has the potential to get much better b/c they've added something called 'worship in the barn'. maybe i'll write about that later. but for now...i'm just not in the mood to write anything. i think i need to eat. so here's a nice nugget from my bible study...

"worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness" ~1 chron. 16:29b

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

Catching up on the moments

2005-08-14T15:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been quite some time i believe since I've last even looked at this thing. i've moved into a new apartment and well.. i guess that has been the major event, but i dont have internet in the new apartment, so i feel like its been forever since i've been on here. its hard to say if living by myself is everything everyone said it would be ~ the all said it would be fabulous. to me, it's just a roof over my head, and a place to cook, etc. its not the greatest location, and with gas at $2.45 a gallon, I dont exactly like to drive all over the place, even though i end up doing that anyway.

so.. even tho i titled this 'catching up on the moments', i'm not going to. there's really not much to catch up on. i moved. i went to/was in emily & john's wedding, i joined the YMCA, i got asked to be in another wedding and that about covers it all.

but today has given me something to write about. i tried out a new church today, for what reason, i'm not sure, still missing apex i guess, but so i went and worked with kids at my church and then drove off (not knowing where i was going) and went to another church. the pastor reminded me a lot of rob (the pastor at apex), with his preaching style, but as i left, i couldn't help but feel disappointed. i drove away just wondering what in the world i was doing, what was i looking for, what was a church supposed to be and how was i ever supposed to know when i'd found it. well, somehow it finally occurred to me, this revolutionary thought:

i've been searching for something that doesn't exist.

revolutionary, huh? but i started thinking, what exactly was it about apex that made me love it so much? well, it was the fact that it was actually a combination of crusade and apex ~ how a large group of students would meet up and drive to church together, sit together, discuss the sermon on the way home, eat breakfast/lunch together -- it was that whole experience, not just apex on its own. and i wonder, if i went to apex now, would i feel the same way about it? would i be able to plug in and get connected? it just has me asking a lot of questions, about how to spend my time, how often to be around other christians, its just like i dont know the right answers right now. and so as far as this church is concerned, maybe i'll go back. i did like the pastor ~ he's young, pretty entergetic - the church is kind of far away... i just dont know! i'd really like to figure out what role church is supposed to play in my life. otherwise, how will i ever know when to stop looking?

so yeah, that's what's been on my mind today. last nite my old roommate and i had a great conversation. we were talking about how we are told, subconsciously so many things in life that just ruin life -- things that tell us that life should or shouldn't be a certain way, that we should or shouldn't act a certain way, etc. i think its too hard to explain here, but it just made me start thinking about a lot of stuff. the other thought we were throwing around is "humility is not thinking of yourself as nothing, its just not thinking about yourself." chew on that for a while. okay... i think that's enough rambling for now.

"My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely." ~ Song of Solomon 2:14

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

Drawn-out Moments

2005-07-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

well, i'm torn here because i am brutally tired! and i definitely want to go to sleep, but i also want to write on here for just a bit! it was a really good night, really strange, but good. i went to the women's bible study again at my church tonite and heard more miss helen stories (i cant remember if i've written about them before.. if not, i'll have to explain them later). anyway, the study went fine, nothing overly striking really. then, we sang one final song at the end. take my life and let it be. i think we sing it acappela every week to end our time, which is kinda cool. anyway, all of a sudden i felt like someone was placing this huge load on top of me. it was so weird. not like it was forcing me to the ground, just like it was holding me down. i think something like this happened to my roommate the other night when she was sleeping, and someone told her that this often happens to people when they are dreaming about spiritual battles. well, i knew i wasn't asleep, so dreaming about spiritual battles wasnt the case.. it was just weird. (and oh the irony that i was wearing my angel wars t-shirt).

anyway, i left and decided to go to starbucks, and just figured i'd go to the one by my apartment, but i kept feeling like i should go to the one by my work. so i did. and i had my journal and bible with me as i was ordering my drink and the guy asked what i was reading, and well... i didnt really know what to read, so i told him that (because, frankly, i was still wondering about the heavy weight thing and why i was at that particular starbucks...) so he says that i should read hebrews 12-14 and so i think.. well, that is interesting.. i had no plans on what to read or meditate on, so why not go there. so i get my drink (which they made in the real tea cups with the little saucers which was just oh so cool i thought) and sat down and opened my bible to hebrews 12. funny how when he said hebrews 12, nothing came to mind, but once i opened to it, i realized, duh! hebrews 12:2 has always been a favorite verse of mine.. couldnt give a reason why, not before tonite at least, but i think i'm closer..

so here's where it got cool because things kind of came together in just a small way. for whatever reason lately, its almost like i've been intimidated by my bible, and my past. i was believing that because i'd been a christian for a certain number of years, i really needed to be reading parts of the bible that i dont normally read, and the parts that i've read over and over - i was believing that i should just stay away from those areas. so i kept trying to read jeremiah, but i was going in circles of frustration that just kept leading me to not read my bible at all, which of course just frustrated me even more. so tonite, when the starbucks guy told me to read hebrews 12 and i realized that hebrews 12:2 was a verse i memorized within the first few years of being a christian, it was just awesome - i knew it was something i'd read a lot, but when i started reading, i just had so many questions. i just kept reading the opening verses of hebrews 12 over and over and writing down every question that came to mind, or every thought that came to mind. and a few great things came out of it.

It starts off saying Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses and immediately i was thinking so many things. who makes up this great cloud of witnesses? was it friends? well.. ironically in nashville i dont feel very surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses right now, so i kept thinking.. was it old friends that live all around the U.S.? maybe.. was it all the characters in the bible? this is the one that really got me, because i started wondering what it would be like to surround myself with characters like ruth, and esther, and david, and samuel, and paul, and timothy? so the bible says because we're surrounded by this great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off what hinders and the sin that so easily entangles... it just made me think, friends come and go, and while i've had so many great friends, they're not always around to encourage me, to be present and running this race side-by-side with me, but the characters in the bible, to learn about them and really gain an immense understanding of who they are and what they went through, i can be surrounded by that all the time. i dont know if that's exactly what the scripture was meaning, but it sure opened up a whole new world to me.. and that was only verse one..

verse 2 was equally gripping! first off, the verse starts by saying let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith and yeah.. it kind of seems straight forward, but i just sat and thought about it. i wondered what exactly does it look like to fix our eyes on Jesus? and what does it really mean for him to be the author and perfector of our faith? romans 4:21 came to mind (i think its an awesome definition of faith): be fully pursuaded that God has power to do that which he has promised. so.. fixing our eyes is tied to being fully pursuaded because you become fully pursuaded about something by really focusing on it and studying it right? sooo.. all the connections havent fully been made, but i came to realizing that this is saying let us focus with everything in us on Jesus, the author and perfector of our belief that God does have power to do what He has promised. ah.. that just rocked my world.. alright, so moving on to the rest of verse 2 - the speaker tonight at the church bible study talked about a circular process in life of Realization, Inspiration, Respiration, and Perspiration - realizing a particular truth, being inspired in that it is actually true about you, respiration meaning to take a deep breath and say okay, where do i start, let's do this!, and perspiration meaning that we start trying to carry the load of the truth ourself and need God to bring us again to realization of the truth. okay, so with that in mind, i read the rest of verse 2: who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. so, realization - Jesus saw the joy before him, inspiration - He knew that it was his joy to have, respiration - he endured whatever he faced, perspiration - he sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. and where am I? what is my joy? its eternity, which God has put into my heart (inspiration), and focusing on Jesus, its following his lead - enduring what comes my way (respiration), and realizing that though i endure what comes my way, i dont do it on my own (perspiration), i go to the throne of God and seek renewed realization.

man.. it just gets me.. there was so much more.. there are a multitude of questions that came up tonite that i dont know answers to, but i loved asking them. i love knowing that there is hope. there is more to life. we were meant to live for so much more. i am meant to live for so much more. and that has nothing to do with where i live, what i do for a living, who i'm friends with, if i'm single forever, how much money i make (or dont make)... God is beginning to show me how many places besides Him i've been trying to find life. the speaker tonite made a great point. she said, it's one thing to say that God is our shepherd. but we live our lives trying not to need a shepherd. ah.. such sheep are we.

oi.. even though i could keep writing, i probably should be sleeping so that i'm not so tired at work tomorrow. today was a long day. when i first started this job, they told me that i would end up being "the queen of LCS" (lcs being the computer system i work in all day...). i dont think i really understood what that really meant. today i understand. i feel like i've become a computer nerd. (not that being a computer wiz makes you a nerd - mick is one of our computer geniuses and he's super cool - he even used to be on staff w/ crusade which makes him even cooler.) anyway, i never expected to describe myself as a computer person.. interesting where life takes you. okay.. that's enough, really.. i gotta go sleep!

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Do you believe that? really? do you really believe that? and if you do, so what? what effect does it have in your life?

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

Capture The Moment

2005-07-05T21:46:00.000-05:00

I was reading the blog of an old friend tonite ~ it made me miss him and wonder how he was doing. I decided to send him a letter over IM. which of course was relatively short as IM tends to work. it also turned out being a good moment of reflection for me. so i thought i'd keep it here, to in a sense capture the moment.

ebenezerpunk: i hope you're doing well!! life in tennessee is good. God is faithful and teaching me wonderous new things (which are really old things graciously being shown to me again and again).

ebenezerpunk: i'm learning that i dont always get what i want in life. like a new car. or a job where i get to play all day. or a puppy as cute as my parents.

ebenezerpunk: but i'm also learning that the little inkling of hope within me [that keeps saying there really is more to this God stuff than everyone says] is not in vain. that God wants to love me more than i want to love him.

ebenezerpunk: i'm moving into my own apartment in 2 and a half weeks. and then my best friend is getting married the following weekend in wisconsin. i get to wear a pretty dress. i'll send you a picture

ebenezerpunk: well. i think i'm going to go color. you need to give me your new phone number. you can call my phone - that's an easy way to get your number. or you can IM it to me.

ebenezerpunk: or email.

ebenezerpunk: or a real letter.

ebenezerpunk: i miss you. hope you're doing beyond fantastic

I really am going to go color. i told my roommate yesterday that i wanted to paint a picture - she asked if i knew how to paint? i told her it didnt matter. :)
tonite was a good nite. i listened to a woman speak of her mentor, a wonderful woman named Helen. one thing she said that really struck me... let's see if i can remember. the speaker was telling helen that she was having trouble staying awake in the mornings when she got up to try and read her bible. she asked miss helen for advice and helen said "two people dont set their alarm to make love" - the speaker didn't know exactly what to think of that. and helen told her than if, in her approach to God, she started with discipline, she would fall off every time. she said it's when you're in love that you dont fall asleep. [okay.. yes, the speaker of course said it more fluently than that, but that's okay]. anyway, that's all.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~Isaiah 30:21

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

p.s. this is one of my little girls. i love her to death :)

Moments from The Watering Hole

2005-06-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

Well.. where do I start. haha something makes me think i started the last post with that statement. the past 48 hours have been oddly spectacular. partly for some really silly reasons (like getting to talk to someone in london, which was great simply because of their accent). and partly for some great reasons. i'm not sure if i know how to put it into words, but things with God .. they're pretty good. for the past month i've been going to this bible study at my church on tuesday nights and there's been truth spoken and God's giving me ears to hear, even though i dont think i asked for them .. either way, its a very good thing. the speaker did a short series on a christian's inheritance, broken up into 4 parts: God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Word.

the first week - God - she talked about God being both all-loving and completely 100% at the same time all-powerful. she said most people dont have a problem believing one of them, but struggle with the other. i feel like i struggle with both of them. i always say if i really believed God was all loving and all powerful, i would act different, and talk different, and live different.

the second week - Jesus - the main point was that Christ's death and resurrection are absolutely, totally sufficient to cover my life. she gave a really neat illustration that i'd never heard before. she said that in her life, she's had 2 different pictures of salvation. one is of a woman out in the ocean, flailing, sinking, and Jesus throws her a life saver from the shore and she catches it and hangs on and says yay Jesus thank you for saving me!!! the other picture is of a woman out in the ocean, flailing, sinking, and she drowns. she dies. she's lying at the bottom of the ocean dead, and Jesus dives out into the water, swims down and pulls her back to shore, gives her mouth to mouth and breathes life back into her. - i dont think i ever realized what a difference there was in those two pictures. my picture of salvation has always been the first one. the speaker put it in such a way that struck me. my picture is Jesus at a distance. throwing me the lifeline but I have to catch it, and then, although i'm safe, i'm hanging on for dear life, wondering if this is what being safe is all about - floating like a bobber...

the third week - the Holy Spirit - man.. the words she spoke, it made me think that i'm crazy to not be 100% dependant on the Holy Spirit, just like i'd be crazy to try and live without breathing air. the speaker gave us a list of 6 examples of what the Holy Spirit wants to do for me, in my life, every day: carry me, counsel and teach me, remind me of my identity, produce fruit through me, provide power over sin, make my yoke light. she equated the Holy Spirit to those people movers at the airport. the thing she said that stuck out the most was that God wants us to hand to him everything we're dealing with. in a picture, she said its like you're on that people mover and you're carrying this 100 pound backpack on your back. and when you're on the people mover, giving it to God is putting the backpack down on the people mover - it doesnt disappear, but you're not carrying the weight. i think i've always believed that to trust God with something in my life means to not ever deal with it or see it again .. not exactly a right view. Nichole Nordeman just put out a new album and one of the songs has a chorus that says "lay it down a little, lay it down a lot - I dont want to hold it anymore. lay it down in pieces, lay it down in whole - everything I've carried on my own. Lay it down"

the last week - the Word - i didnt expect the night to be as powerful as it was. the speaker read hebrews 4:12 that says "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." i've read this before, and frankly, it just sounded painful and awful.. like punishment. but the speaker described it.. she didnt use this illustration, but i think it work.. its like you're a person who has a gunshot wound, and the bullet is lodged inside your body. the verse is like a surgeon gently going in, getting to the root of your pain, and removing the bullet. eh.. its not a good description. the point was that God is the good guy. he wants to go in and show me the root cause for frustrations and struggles in my life and remove them at the root. the other great thing of this night was at the end, before having some time to do some reflection questions, they gave us little candles and then turned the lights way down so that we could only see because of the candle light - making the connection that God's Word is supposed to serve that same purpose.

i know it could take a long time for my life to change for me to be molded into the woman God sees me as, but this study has made it more attractive to me, and this nichole nordeman cd (Brave .. that's what it's called) is so perfectly accompanying it. ha. in fact, the song playing right now says "you make me want to live.." seriously. if anyone out there is reading this, and this is stirring ANYTHING in your heart, contact me (if it's not somewhere else... forever_bittersweet@yahoo.com). go buy the nichole nordeman cd, and i'll buy you the series of talks from this bible study.. its exactly what i need to be hearing right now.. maybe it is for you too.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." ~Jeremiah 17:7-8

could that ever be me?

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

Basic moments

2005-06-12T12:03:00.000-05:00

Boy.. it has been a while since I've been back here. I'll take the easy route out and blame it on work. and me. and me and the TV because we've become all too good of friends. I'm looking forward to the new apartment in which the only TV will live in the closet unless I take it out to watch one of my two dvds. 6 weeks feels like a long time before I move, but it probably will fly by. sooo anyway, on to things of not as much nonsense.

It has been an interesting few weeks; tomorrow marks the completion of my first full month at work. I'm not sure how I feel about the job. I'm not exactly excited that tomorrow is Monday and that I have to go back to work so quickly. But hopefully today will be a day of relaxation and reading - no TV. In the challenges of this season of life, I've begun to notice a lack of dependence on God for everything. I've always heavily depended on church, and bibles studies and other christian activities to keep me connected. I'm wondering if the next few months will change that. I've become hesitant to seek out too many activities. I think church on sunday mornings and the womens bible study tuesday nights should be plenty. and hopefully these two things will challenge me in my personal time with the Lord. Today's focus I believe will be the faithfulness and sovereignty of God, initially through Arthur Pink's Attributes of God book and who knows from there. We'll see... :)

A snipit from chapter 10 of Pink's book... "God has given us many "exceeding great and precious promises," but are we really counting on His fulfillment of them? Are we actually expecting Him to do for us all that He has said? Are we resting with implicit assurance on these words, "He is faithful that promised"?"

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." ~Hebrews 10:23

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

Take a moment and pause.

2005-05-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

more from "now what?"...

"Put a symbol on your desk or wall where you can see it to remind you that today you and Jesus are partnering together in your work. Maybe it's just one word: peace, or wisdom, or joy, or diligence. Every few hours as you're working, pause for two or three minutes. Close the door (if you have one), look out the window (if you have one), and just remember that God is at work in the whole world. Thank him for his help. Rest with him for a moment, hand him your worries, and ask for his energy. Every moment of every day is an opportunity to be with Jesus. When you forget -- and you will, when you mess up --and you will, remember this really important rule: There's to be no beating yourself up! Every moment is another chance. God just keeps sending them. That's grace. Every moment is a new chance for you to be with him."

I needed these moments today. Of course I didnt re-read this part of the book until like 4.30 in the afternoon... but I paused at my desk, and remembered that in this book, there was something that would help. And I read this, and it actually did help. As I drove home, I wondered if I would come home, find something to eat, sit in front of the tv to have some company, and wondered if I would just watch tv all nite again, for the 4th nite in a row. I come home tired, maybe even with a big headache... but what does sitting in front of the tv do to help that? sometimes i use it as an excuse - i say it makes me think, but really.. today i came home and said i'm gonna see what i can do instead of watch tv. i put in a cd and just layed on my bed for probably 20 minutes just stopping everything. wouldnt you know, i started thinking, really thinking..

somehow I got thinking about beauty, wanting to look beautiful. thinking about the clothes we wear, makeup, all the time put into it. when i look in the mirror, i dont see beautiful. on some level it bothers me. i wondered how many other girls feel this way. i wondered how many girls completely honestly look in the mirror and felt beautiful. i wondered where exactly my idea of beautiful came from. and i wondered since when did being beautiful become such a big deal? why is it so important? i wonder how young we are when we begin to compare ourselves to others around us. i'm not sure what i believe about beautiful. i'm not swinging on the pendulum. i'm not saying the idea of beautiful is evil. yet. i'm just wondering...

i read a quote in a magazine once, cut it out and glued it to a binder in fact. it says, "Truth is, there are a million girls prettier than us... Everybody is looking at somebody else, and the answer is really to stop looking in the mirror. You are never going to be satisfied with what you see until you see Jesus inside of you."

i dont think i'm to that point yet. that's okay.. life is a journey.

"Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." ~Acts 2:21

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

Renewed Moment

2005-05-18T08:30:00.000-05:00

So... this was great. First of all, it's day 3 of my first real world job and its a little bit of a challenge to adjust. So I wake up at 6 this morning, an hour early, and of course just keep trying to sleep. I finally get up at 7, when the alarm goes off, and I was just in a bad mood all morning.. I dont know why, it just wouldnt go away. I was getting frustrated about turning down Tokyo, especially after my boss on the first day says "i'm surprised you didnt want to take a month off before you started work..." anyway, it just wouldnt go away. So I'm driving to work, knowing that this attitude is just trouble, and I'm still in training - which means with my boss all day - and having a bad attitude is basically really not good. I started praying, asking God to renew my spirit b/c it definitely wasnt giving glory to Him.. and as I'm driving, I'm listening to Jeremy Camp and his song "I Surrender to You" comes on. Instantly, I knew God had answered my prayer, and that the day was going to be different. The words of the song say "All that I am is for you my savior, I live by your word and surrender to you. Here where I stand in the moment father, my spirit has been renewed, I surrender to you." No joke -- I couldnt actually believe what I was hearing, but yet again, God reminded me that He is with me always, and even if I am in a bad mood, which will happen, knowing that God is still there :)

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..." ~James 1:19

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

ah-ha! moment

2005-05-11T19:11:00.000-05:00

So I just had an 'ah-ha!' moment and wanted to write it down! I was reading more from John Ortberg's "now what?" book and it yet again is fabulous. Seriously. spend the $15 and go buy it. Today I read 2 chapters - "Time Alone" and "Pray About Everything". 2 Chronicles 15:2 really struck home with me. It says The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you. And then the whole chapter about praying about everything... again so good, check this out:

"Praying what is really in my heart is an 'in everything' kind of prayer. I dont wait to clean up my motives first. I dont try to sound more spiritual than I am. I dont pray what I think out to be in me, or what I think God wants to hear. I pray what's really in me."

It just again hits home with the message of stop trying to be the hero! It's humbling to pray 'in everything' (reference philippians 4:6) because pride is thrown out the window... but anyway, back to the 'ah-ha!' moment! So of course the book says try it now, dont wait - pray in everything now! just lay it all out there. and after feeling disconnected with God and not really knowing how to start a prayer, this is a great method.. and so i did, and its like the floodgates opened! Within the past few minutes, and reflecting on past experience, I realized that conversation flows most easily when you just speak from your heart, lay it out there and be genuine, not agonizing over every word, just being real. and who knew.. the same is true with God! no wonder the bible says pray in everything, because somehow, its when the greatest conversations with God seem to take place! ah! i love it! how simple are God's truths that we in our self-complicated lives miss for so long! i think this one is one i need to remember. Pray in Everything.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~Philippians 4:6

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa

Just an Average Moment

2005-05-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

Well, nothing overly new in Nashville. It's like 90 degrees and its only May 11. Too bad a month from today I wont be in Tahoe like I was at this time last year... I start my real world job in 5 days - it is really going to be weird. So that means my summer is gone in 4 days which really is okay.. My parents are coming tomorrow (without the puppy - sad.) Friday is graduation rehearsal and baccalaureate, and graduation is Saturday, and saturday nite we're surprising my dad and going to see Patti Griffin at the Ryman Auditorium!

Keelie left for Texas today so I've got the apartment to myself. I'm learning self control - trying not to just sit in front of the TV whenever I think I've got nothing to do. I cant wait til I have my own place that DOESNT have a TV.

I've been kind of distant from Jesus lately, just havent made the time it seems like. I think my relationship w/ God is starting to seem like the rest of my life has always seemed - like there's gotta be more to it, I've gotta be missing out on something and because I feel this way and because of my strange problem with mental responsibility (what a catch phrase...), it always seems like a cloud hanging overhead. Weird.. anyway, that's where I'm at.

"The time is coming," declares the Lrd, "when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah. It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt, because they broke my covenant, though I was a husband to them," declares the Lord. "This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time," declares the Lord. "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest," declares the Lord. "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." ~Jeremiah 31:31-34

Dry moments

2005-05-09T07:49:00.000-05:00

So I woke up twenty billion times this morning, staring at like 6am and then every 15ish minutes after that, trying not to actually get up that early! but i did. and it was not long after that i realized the apartment has no running water! I felt like I should be frustrated with that happening, but I'm not, which is surprising to me, but a really good sign. Yesterday, emily and i went to barnes and noble and i bought this book called "now what? God's guide to life for graduates" by John Ortberg and it is actually AWESOME! I was reading some of it before I went to sleep last nite, and this is what it said

"The way you get up in the morning sets the tone for the rest of the day, so here's the task: Tomorrow, as soon as you can, get alone for a few minutes with God. This is very important. Dont try to be heroic with this or you'll set yourself up for failure. Dont try to make it last an hour. Five minutes is fine. Get alone, and renew your invitation from Jesus to be with you all day ... So many people start their day, day after day, anxious, hurried, frenzied, fearful, afraid, or rushed. You dont have to! You're going to start your day anyway, why not start it with Jesus? Do you have any better offers? You're going to have a first thought anyhow; you're going to have a first word of the day, why not let it belong to God, before whom all anxieties and impurities and restlessness flee? You can do this. You can start each day with God."

I've really been struggling lately, i've gotten caught up in the craziness of the end of the semester, and getting a job, and thinking about where i'm going to live. i havent thought a lot about God, not outside of asking him for things at least. God broke through yesterday, which I am extremely grateful for, and this book is also really awesome. I still wish I had more desire to read my bible, and for a purpose that is God-centered and not me-centered. but...God probably wants that too, which means he is probably moving me closer to that, it's just a process.

On a different note, I take my one final today - in three hours. I havent studied much for it. everyone is telling me i shouldnt even go. they're funny. of course i'll go! but i am going to stop writing here, so i can go study, and if necessary, go shower and whatnot at school - they have running water! So there you go. that's where i'm at right now. i'm sure i'll share more of the wisdom from this "now what?" book in days to come, as I should be starting my job next week!

"Be strong and do the work." ~1 Chronicles 28:10

for the praise of His glory,
melissa

Moments of Denial..

2005-04-29T00:42:00.000-05:00

So every thursday nite i have trouble convincing myself to go to bed, even though i have to get up and go to my internship early in the morning. Tonite though i think i'm having trouble going to bed because i'm thinking a lot about the next few months, kind of in denial about the whole college being over thing. i officially have four classes left to go to - hiking on saturday (which may not happen because of the rain) and then 3 classes on Tuesday. blah.. you know, journaling tonite can lead to nothing good. really, does anything good come about after midnite? i dont think so.. in fact, the only good that will come about in this journal is finding some solid scripture to stand on, so lemme do that...

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free." ~Psalm 118:5

man, I'd like to get back into a lifestyle of constantly searching and studying the scriptures..

for the praise of His glory,
Melissa